Parenting

50 things that were actually said in our house last week

During a week off from work, Ian makes notes on the random conversations in his household.

The Mendes family at a hockey game last year.

I just enjoyed a complete week off from work.

No last-minute phone calls telling me to go to Pittsburgh. No interviews with hockey players. And I wasn’t glued to my Blackberry.

Instead, I spent the past seven days at home with my family. And while I would love to give you a detailed description of what I did each day, I thought it would be more amusing to pass along some of the funniest things that were said in our house over the past week.

Unbeknownst to the other members of my family, I was writing down virtually everything that was said in the past seven days. And here are the 50 best things that were said in our household this week:

1. “New rule in our house: Nobody gets a Band-Aid unless they’re bleeding.”

2. “Oh my gosh Lily, it’s not called SeaLand. You mixed up SeaWorld and MarineLand.”

3. “Why isn’t mommy putting us to bed?”

4. “Last year, I buried a penny to see if a money tree would grow in our backyard.”

5. “How did we live without Netflix?”

6. “You can’t eat that Skittle until you finish your hot dog.”

7. “I got shampoo in my eyes!”

8. “You put the A&W coupons in recycling???”

9. “Surely the two of us can put our journalism degrees together and fix this screen door.”

10. “We’re playing ‘feed the pony’ in the basement and we need real food.”

11. “Our garage stinks.”

12. “Let’s see if we can put these kids to bed by 7:30.”

13. “Dad, you’ve got some grey hairs.”

14. “Do you know how many starving kids would love to eat this meal?”

15. “Because of my shunt, I can’t be a deep sea diver. So if I’m a marine biologist, I’ll need to stay close to the surface.”

16. “I wonder how many pairs of my underwear you’ve folded over the years. Even a rough estimate would be amazing.”

17. “I heard that you can drink Coke at your desk in high school because they have vending machines in the hallways.”

18. “I think we should take the winter tires off the car this week.”

19. “I’m bored.”

20. “Name one of the teams left in the playoffs?/ What about the Boston Brewers. Is that right?”

21. “Now I have 15 Webkinz in my collection!”

22. “Don’t charge your sister real money for that pet spa. Use fake coins, please.”

23. “I want three different types of cereal in my bowl.”

24. “This chicken is too spicy.”

25. “But Dad, I said please!!”

26. “Did anybody feed Buster yet?”

27. “Share one thing out of your loot bag with your sister, please.”

28. “Mommy, where are my Littlest Pet Shops?”

29. “I’ve never had a Pixie Stick in my whole life.”

30. “We’re out of bread and milk.”

31. “Sorry sweetie, that outfit doesn’t match.”

32. “Don’t flip something upside down just to see if the lid is on correctly.”

33. “Were these kids raised in a barn?”

34. “It’s going to be an early bed time for you if you keep fussing like this.”

35. “Do you remember the password for this website?”

36. “On your marks. Get set. Dizzy!!”

37. “When I grow up, I want to live in a house that has ivy growing on the side.”

38. “Dad, can a boy cat marry another boy cat?”

39. “What part of ‘put on your shoes’ don’t you understand?”

40. “We have nothing to pack for Elissa’s lunch.”

41. “Girls, why are there a bunch of my containers with rotting food in the basement?”

42. “Our kitchen is a total bomb.”

43. “Man, there are a lot of babies that we have to buy gifts for.”

44. “How old will Buster be when he dies?”

45. “Two more big bites and then you can leave the table.”

46. “We’re running late so I’m going to have to drive you to school.”

47. “Do not stomp up the stairs.”

48. “You forgot to put the cover on the barbecue last night and it rained.”

49. “When the oven timer goes off, your computer time is done.”

50. “It’s Thursday again… and I need to write my Today’s Parent blog.”