I feel like I owe an apology to the folks at Nickelodeon in this blog entry. Last week, I suggested that Dora the Explorer was the most annoying television show for children.
But upon further review, we are actually living in the golden age of irritating kids’ shows. In the past, parents would only have to worry about one mind-numbing program at a time. In the early ’90s, there was a huge backlash against Barney, as parents often fantasized about killing the purple dinosaur. A few years later, Barney was replaced by the equally-annoying Teletubbies — as network executives thought it would be brilliant to create speechless creatures that had a television in their stomachs.
While Barney and the Teletubbies were one-off deals, we’re now flooded with bizarre children’s television shows that make you cringe. So to follow up on last week’s entry — where I unfairly singled out Dora — here are 10 more infuriating kids’ shows that we have to deal with:
#1. Yo Gabba Gabba?
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to watch a children’s show while on an acid trip? Yo Gabba Gabba is like you’re invited to a rave on Sesame Street. (Interesting side note: DJ Lance appears in 20 percent of people’s drug hallucinations.)??
#2. Max & Ruby
?I would actually like to see the pilot episode for this show, where Max and Ruby’s parents are killed off by a pack of hungry wolves. The parents are never seen in this show, making Ruby the primary caregiver in the house. Max — possibly scarred from the loss of his parents and the abusive relationship with his sister — chooses not to speak.
??#3. Imagination Movers?
This show incorrectly gives children the idea that it’s acceptable to hang out in an abandoned warehouse with four men and a rat. ??
#4. The Wiggles?
Another show involving four unemployed men.
So many questions that need answering: Why does this kid not have any hair — isn’t he like four years old? Why don’t his parents put him in an extended timeout for whining? Why don’t the kids in his neighbourhood just beat him to a pulp???
#6. Ni Hao, Kai-Lan?
We all know this is a blatant, Asian rip-off from Dora. But the major benefit is that children at least get a basic grasp of the Mandarin language — which we will all be speaking in 20 years. ??
#7. Timothy Goes to School?
The theme song says that “anything can happen when Timothy goes to school.” In reality, nothing really happens.
??#8. Wonder Pets?
This show promotes an annoying speech impediment, thanks to the star character Ming-Ming. Now, a whole generation of toddlers think it’s okay to ask “Are you sewious?” On the plus side, your child is likely to start eating celery. (Although they’ll probably ask for “cele-wy”).
??#9. Blue’s Clues?
The only mystery that was never solved on this show: Was original host Steve really killed off because he died in real life?
??#10. Thomas & Friends?
Thankfully for Alec Baldwin, he landed a full-time gig on 30 Rock, otherwise he would have been stuck narrating this dull show.
Photo by univrsltransl8r via Flickr.