Is It Okay To Cry In Front Of Your Kids?

One way or another, we’ve all done it: gotten teary during a particularly poignant Pixar movie (those seem designed to break parents), been taken off guard by bad news with a child nearby or snuck off to the bathroom for a quiet cry on a particularly bad day, only to have your kid catch you with tears streaming down your face. These scenarios have all happened to me, more than once, and I have wondered if they are moments my daughters will talk about in therapy someday.

Is it really OK for our kids to see us cry?

“Crying is very normal and it’s healthy for children to see that adults have feelings, too,” says Joanna Seidel, a child and family therapist and founder and clinical director of Toronto Family Therapy. “Kids should see that we get scared, frustrated, angry and experience grief—parents are completely allowed to shed tears in front of their children,” she says. But there is a right way and a wrong way to do it.

What are the downsides to letting your kids see you weepy?

How parents handle their emotions teaches children a lot about coping and regulation. They learn how to manage their own feelings by watching us. So, if a parent is finding their emotions overwhelming, or they are highly dysregulated, that can be scary for kids to see, says Seidel. It can send the message that emotions can be too big or become out of control, which can make them worry about handling their own feelings and crying spells. “That can be the risk of hearing a parent crying, if the parent doesn’t have control of their emotions,” says Seidel.

Another way crying is problematic is if you deny it. Say you have closed your bedroom door for a private moment, but your kid catches you weeping, and you brush it off. “Most kids are very insightful—they pick up on even small emotions,” says Seidel. In other words, there’s no way your kid believes you when you say, ‘It’s nothing, I’m fine.’ Denying your tears can inadvertently send the message that emotions are sometimes shameful or that they should be hidden. Being honest about your crying is key. “What’s important is if a child does see a parent crying, that they acknowledge it and let the child know they don’t have to worry,” says Seidel. You can say, ‘I am feeling sad right now, but I’m going to be okay.’

And crying should never be used as a way to discipline or control kids, says Seidel. “Parents will sometimes use crying as a way to show children how helpless or frustrated they are in their parenting role,” she says. But that only undermines the child-parent bond and does a disservice to your parenting.

What’s the best way to explain to my kids why I’m crying?

If you’re crying during a movie, this is a great time to label the sad feelings (or happy tears!) and demonstrate that this is a totally normal emotional reaction. If it’s something more serious, it’s still very important in the moment that parents give context to the crying, but don’t feel you have to go into lengthy explanations on the spot. A simple, ‘I got some bad news, and I feel sad right now. I can tell you more about it later,’ will suffice.

Because while honesty is important, parents do need to be mindful about overburdening their kids with too much information, or details that are too mature for them to understand. If it’s bad health news about a grandparent, loss of a job, or even the death of a loved one that has you upset, you might need to take some time and plan what you will say before you dig into the details with your child.

When a child sees you crying, it can also be helpful to describe how you’re going to take care of yourself. You might let your child know that you’re going to take some extra quiet time today to think about the problem that’s bothering you, reflect on a person you are missing, or to talk through things with your partner or a friend.

Are there benefits to letting kids see you cry?

There are numerous upsides to letting children see a parent cry. It's role modelling life’s ups and downs and demonstrating that feelings aren’t shameful or overwhelming. It’s normalizing sadness and promoting healthy coping. It can be an unlikely bonding opportunity, too. “It’s okay for you to build connection through sadness,” says Seidel. “They need to learn compassion and empathy, and that they can be caring towards their parent,” she says.

If we want our kids to be okay sitting with difficult emotions, we have to let them see us doing it, too. Because as much as we want to role model positivity and a happy approach to life, our children will experience the harsh realities of life, too. Loved ones will be diagnosed with illnesses, family members will pass away, friends will unfriend them, school will be tricky to navigate sometimes, and so on. If we are okay with our tears—feeling them, paying attention to why they are here, and acting on what they are teaching us—before we wipe them away, we are actually doing our kids a service.

So, pass the tissues: the occasional meltdown is not going to cause your kids any trauma. Just remember that if you are crying a lot and are feeling overwhelmed, that’s not good for you or your children, and in that case, it is important to reach out for support.