Earlier this week, I was walking around downtown Boston when I saw a car with an annoying bumper sticker.
It read “Proud Parents of a Harvard Grad” in bold lettering.
If I had my car keys, I would have seriously considered doing damage to this vehicle with a little scrape along the side. I have never liked any bumper stickers, but I have a deep-rooted hatred for anything related to kids and family.
This week, I want to vent about how much I despise family decals — and the three ones that annoy me the most.
1. Any sticker referring to your child’s education
If you put on a bumper sticker saying that your child is an honour roll student or a Harvard grad, what you’re really saying is that the intelligence skipped a generation in your family. I would actually love to know the rear-end collision rate of cars that have these bumper stickers, because I’m thinking it would be higher than normal.
2. The stick figure family
I have never been a person who gets caught up in trends. I have steadfastly refused to wear Crocs since 2002 — partly because too many people were wearing them. I won’t touch a bowl of Greek yogurt, because that is getting too trendy for my taste as well. And so when people started putting up those stick figure decals representing their families on the back of vehicles, I was not impressed. Maybe it’s because I have never viewed myself as a thin white man, but I just don’t see the allure of broadcasting your family status on the back of your car in this fashion. And when you drive a minivan, it’s pretty much implied that you have a family — so there’s actually no need for the stickers.
3. Baby on board
I don’t know about you, but I like to drive around town like I’m playing a game of Grand Theft Auto — knocking over garbage cans and running red lights. But when I see a car with a “Baby on board” sign, I immediately turn into a responsible and safe driver, because I never want to endanger the life of a family traveling with an infant. The annoying yellow signs were created in the 1980s, and they still haven’t figured out a better way to make them stick other than a suction cup. Has anyone ever successfully used a suction cup to hang something long-term? The only positive to come out of the Baby-on-board fad is that it spawned a bunch of parody signs that were mildly amusing. For some reason, the most popular one always seemed to be “Mother in-law in trunk.”
What is your position on family-related bumper stickers? Tweet me at @ian_mendes.