How To Raise LGBTQ Allies

In a world that often sends LGBTQ youth the message that they don’t belong, parental attunement and active allyship can serve as powerful forces of protection and affirmation.

Attunement, the ability to be fully present with your child—to see them, hear them, and validate their experiences—is crucial for all children, but even more so for those navigating the complexities of LGBTQ identity. It lays the foundation for a child to feel accepted and valued.

“When parents are attuned to their children, they communicate: ‘I see you, I understand you, and you are valued.’ This deep connection fosters emotional security and resilience.” —  Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, psychiatrist and author

Understanding the challenges faced by LGBTQ youth

All children develop physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually based on their unique backgrounds and experiences.

But for LGBTQ youth, this process is often complicated by significant barriers. These barriers include:

• Minority stress (stigma, prejudice and microaggressions)
• Homonegativity (the belief that non-heteronormative identities are wrong)
• Anomie (a sense of alienation and lack of purpose)
• Internalized homophobia (the belief, often unconsciously absorbed by age twelve, that being LGBTQ is shameful)

Recently, a client told me that growing up, there was “no room” for him to be gay at home. He said, “It felt like I could never fully breathe.” While he’s a 35-year-old adult man, he's only just beginning to process the shame that he internalized from the adults around him in his childhood about being gay. The experience, I told him, is like having a thousand paper cuts and not realizing how painful they feel until you finally jump in the ocean.

To counteract these barriers, parents and caregivers can attune to their children while actively cultivating an environment of allyship. This involves consciously teaching self-acceptance and acceptance of others, challenging stereotypes and building love.

Here are five proactive steps to foster allyship and attunement, creating a world where closets don’t exist:

• Initiate open and honest conversations: Begin discussions about diversity, inclusion, and acceptance early, addressing gender identity and sexual orientation age-appropriately. This creates a safe space for curiosity and understanding, enhancing attunement.
• Challenge heteronormative assumptions: Recognize and question the assumption that everyone is heterosexual or adheres to traditional gender roles. This acknowledges the diversity of relationships and identities, normalizing LGBTQ experiences and fostering a more attuned environment.
• Model inclusive language and behaviour: Use inclusive language and demonstrate acceptance through actions, such as supporting LGBTQ rights and including diverse individuals in your social circles. This teaches empathy and respect, reinforcing attunement.
• Educate yourself and your kids: Learn about LGBTQ history, rights, and current issues, sharing this knowledge to build understanding. This empowers you and your child to be informed allies, deepening your attunement.
• Encourage empathy and stand against bullying: Teach empathy and the impact of discrimination, encouraging your child to stand up against injustice. This fosters a strong sense of allyship and reinforces the attuned connection.

When parents and caregivers combine attunement with allyship, they create an environment where children are more likely to engage with LGBTQ peers, disrupting heteronormative thinking and preventing anti-LGBTQ biases.

The most powerful way to foster a more inclusive society is to embody the very change we wish to see in the world. When we commit to challenging heteronormativity, advocating for LGBTQ rights, and addressing our own internalized biases, we create a future where every child—regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity—feels safe, seen, and valued.