How To Keep Your Daughter From Becoming A People Pleaser

Girls enter this world with the intuitive wisdom to survive and thrive. One of their most adaptive qualities is reading the room and matching energy with what’s expected of them. That can help them get along—but, ultimately, it hurts them, because what’s expected of girls is often a narrow, gender-biased script: be nice, accommodating, and put others first.

“We ask girls all the time, ‘How are girls expected to feel?’ and we get the same answer every time,” says Simone Marean, co-CEO of Girls Leadership. “Happy, content, and calm. Girls learn very early to take care of other people’s emotions first.” Which leaves them at great risk of not knowing their own.

Here are four simple strategies to help an elementary-age girl know—and stay true to—herself.

Invite her to share her world with you

​​“Create a culture of curiosity in your house,” recommends Sonya Renee Taylor, author of The Body is Not an Apology. Ask open-ended questions about her or her life, and show you’re really listening by asking follow-ups that deepen the conversation.

Open-ended questions:

• “Did anything surprise you at school today?”
• “What’s one thing you’re proud of?”
• “Was anything really hard today?”
• “What’s something you don’t think I know about you?”

Follow-ups to keep her talking:

• “What did you think about that?”
• “Tell me more about it.”
• “How did you handle it?”
• “I love to learn new things about you! What else you got?”

These small interactions show her that what happens in her life and inside her mind is valuable and worth exploring. And being listened to not only deepens her connection with you, it also strengthens her connection to herself.

Help her see her own truth

“One of the most tried-and-true ways to support another human being is to notice what feels true to them,” says Emily Green, LPC, a family therapist in Atlanta. Instead of rushing to reassure or offer answers and solutions, reflect her experience back.

Example: She comes home from soccer upset that a boy told her girls can’t be good at soccer. Instead of the instinctive, “You’re great at soccer!” try:

• “Seems like that really upset you.”
• “Seems like you love soccer and believe you’re really good at it.”

“Seems like” works, because it:

• Validates her feelings.
• Opens the door for her to reflect, clarify, and give voice to her feelings.
• Makes her feel seen.

You can use it anywhere—even when she shows you art: Rather than, “Wow, that’s beautiful!” dig deeper with: “Seems like you worked hard on that picture. What does it mean to you?”

Reflect her values and needs

Girls are constantly shaping their values, whether they realize it or not. Pointing them out helps her recognize, develop, and own them.

For example:

• If she says, “I told a bully to stop”: “Seems like speaking up for others is important to you. What does that mean for you?”
• If her teacher notes she asks questions when she doesn’t understand something: “Seems like advocating for yourself matters. How does it feel when you do it?”
• If she bristles at being interrupted: “Seems like you like to focus on one thing at a time. Does that feel true to you?”

Even if you’re off the mark, she’ll correct you—and in doing so, sharpen her sense of self.

Let her quit sometimes

When my younger daughter was ten, she faced her serious separation anxiety and went to sleepaway camp with her friends. The next year, she decided to stay home, but worried she wasn’t making the “brave” choice. I reminded her that strength lies in knowing—and sticking to—your limits. And saying no is a brave act in a culture hell-bent on always “doing the thing.”

Why it matters:

• As Annie Duke, author of Quit, notes, our culture glorifies pushing past reason—even to the point of harm—over wisely walking away. That’s a dangerous message to send young girls.
• Phyllis Fagell, therapist and author of Middle School Superpowers, says letting kids quit, “treats them as the expert in their own lives, reinforcing that we think they know—and can make decisions for—themselves.”

Know that you can respect a girl’s intuition while also upholding family values by setting simple guardrails—like finishing the six lessons you paid for or completing the season to honour her team—unless continuing causes her significant distress.

Other ways to honour and encourage a young girl’s voice:

• Read together and ask her what she thinks about what’s happening in the book.
• Caregiver-girl journaling: Get a journal to share with her and take turns writing in it and leaving it under each other’s pillows.
• When she shares her opinion with you, let her know you’re glad she did and you really like hearing her take on things.
• Let her ideas and opinions influence your own. “Wow, I never thought about it that way, but it makes a lot of sense. Your ideas are helping me understand the world better, too.”