5 Ways To End The Chore Wars

Step away from the toilet brush. It might not be easy or comfortable, but these tips from Tara Caffelle, a relationship coach in Toronto, can help reduce the resentment, diffuse fights and maybe even get you holding hands.

Start talking

Sure, communication is key, but harping on whose turn it is to clean the bathroom or change the next diaper doesn’t count. Take a moment to recognize how stressful the whole working-parent thing is—for both of you. “Share what you’re feeling,” Caffelle says. Tell your partner you’re exhausted, and recognize that they're also doing what they can, she says. “Sometimes hearing, ‘Hey, you’re doing a lot, and this is a big deal,’ is often enough to validate our experience.”

Take a different view

If you’ve decided that your partner is a domestic deadbeat, then the resentment you feel will obscure any contributions they make. You don’t have to congratulate them for changing the toilet paper roll, but making an effort to look on the bright side can help defuse fights. “Contempt is sort of like sulphuric acid to a marriage,” Caffelle says. “When we choose to focus on what is positive in our partners, we nurture our fondness and admiration for them.”

Ask for what you need

It’s a mistake to expect your mate to read your mind. “You would never walk into a Starbucks and expect them to know what you want to drink,” Caffelle says. “We are explicit in our order—so why can’t we do this for our partners? I don’t understand why we expect this ability from someone just because they love us.” Being explicit is good for everyone; you have to make your expectations clear.

Pick your battles

Big picture: Your partner needs to help out more—don’t give up on that. Little picture: The way they hang the dishcloth bugs you—you may have to let that one go. “Some of our idiosyncrasies will always stay around,” she says. Remember, you love this person. When you share a life, a house and kids with a person, there may be some things you just have to tolerate.

Get closer

The root of many conflicts, Caffelle says, is a lack of connection. “You don’t feel seen, your partner doesn’t appreciate all you do, you’re exhausted, you don’t feel valued or heard,” she says. “Usually, my answer is this: Create more intimacy. And I don’t mean sex. Hug each other, notice each other and spend time together. When you’re snippy, you need to connect.”

But holding hands with the man you were just shooting eye daggers at is tricky, if not impossible. Spend time consciously remembering what you do like about your partner—make a list if it helps, or opt not to complain to your girlfriends. And spend time together out away from the kids.

“I’d also recommend just saying it out loud and owning that you’re pissed,” she adds. “Say ‘I need to be honest with you: It really made me mad when you forgot XYZ, and it’s making me not want to be around you right now. Can we talk about it?’ When we start a conversation in a gentle way, communicate openly and without being defensive, then I can almost guarantee it’s going to end with both parties feeling a little more intimate.”