A Therapist's Guide To Co-Parenting After Divorce

Parents often declare their love for their children. They say, “I would do anything for my child!” or “There’s absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do for them!” In my experience, though, it seems like they were thinking along the lines of running into a burning building or taking a bullet for their kid—not talking with their ex-spouse.

Making the transition from partners to co-parents is challenging. This is likely one of the hardest times in people’s lives, and emotions run high. Remembering that it is also the most difficult time in your child’s life is often much more complicated than running through fire.

Co-parenting forces people to discover things about themselves, their ex-partners, and their children that they never imagined. Challenging times highlight our strengths and highlight areas that need development. Learning to communicate with an ex begins with an honest assessment of your skills, a realistic goal and a plan.

I write this piece as a therapist who works with families moving through separation and divorce daily. I also write as a parent who has been in this situation myself. My compassion runs deep. I empathize with the work it takes to put kids' needs ahead of ours and work collaboratively with an ex-spouse.

I know that some days, it feels like taking a bullet would be easier and preferred. The bottom line is that children look to their parents to keep them safe, set the tone and help them believe everything will be alright. And it will be, but it takes a lot of work to get to alright. You can do some things to help yourself and your kids with this work.

Gather your village

The old saying that it takes a village to raise a child is never more true than during a separation or divorce.

The adults and the kids need support. You are not a superhero- this stuff is hard, and you need help. So, clarify who your support people are and how they can help. Ask for help when you need it.

You might need a grandparent to mind the kids while you visit a friend for a chat. You might need financial help as you figure out your new situation. You might need a trusted adult to spend quality time with your kids to ensure they’re ok. Separation usually means losing the person who used to be your go-to for everything from working through a problem to simply being in the house while you went to the grocery store.

Everything has changed. Ask for help. Accept the help when it comes. The lower your stress levels, the better you will be able to do the hard work of communicating with your ex-partner.

Acknowledge that moving to co-parenting will be challenging and require work

It will not happen overnight. It takes time and practice to develop new communication habits.

Approach co-parenting more like a business and less like a friendship

Arrange meetings at neutral locations and have a written agenda of topics for discussion. Stay on topic. Avoid meeting in front of the kids if possible.

Try to assume positive intent

Avoid reading too much into emails and texts. Sometimes, the perception of anger or sarcasm is exaggerated because of our hurt feelings and disappointment.

Assuming your partner wants the best for the kids is the least stressful way to operate. It doesn’t matter if it’s true. Find a form of communication that works for you both. If meetings are too emotionally charged, switch to email. Agree on a reasonable response time for written communication.

Most importantly, never speak poorly about your ex in front of your children

Do not ask kids to deliver messages or provide information about the other parent. In short, keep the kids out of things as much as possible.

Research shows that low conflict between parents is critical to children's well-being after separation or divorce. This seems obvious, but it will test every ounce of patience you have some days.

The bottom line

This process will teach you a lot about what you are prepared to do for your children. It will give you ample opportunities to practice compassion and love for your kids, and you will eventually come out of this challenging time. As your children grow, they will begin to understand the work that you put in during this tough time. They will appreciate the safety that you provided and feel loved even more than if you took a bullet for them.