Booty call: 14 sex terms that change when you become a parent

Lots of things change after you have kids. Ian Mendes explains some of the key differences when it comes to sexy time.

Illustration: Rachel Idzerda

After you have kids, it feels like everything in your life becomes more complex and difficult. Simple tasks like eating dinner or taking a shower can suddenly spiral out of control. And if you want to have a date night with your partner, you better plan it a month in advance. Maybe two.

But of all the things that have gotten complicated since having kids, sex is probably at the top of the list. In the past, maybe you found it thrilling to get intimate in a semi-public place with the risk of being discovered. Now, the pendulum has swung the other way, and you live in constant fear that you’ll be caught in the act inside your very own home. Heck, your kids probably cringe each time you simply kiss your partner in front of them. Any type of affection is greeted with a collective “Ewww! Gross!” in our house.

As a result, you may find yourself with repressed urges that manifest themselves in some very peculiar ways. I’m sure a lot of moms think to themselves, “Damn, that blue Wiggle is kind of hot.” As for dads, I suspect many of us have secretly Googled the female cast of Hi-5 to see if we can find any additional info about them. I think these types of fantasies are completely acceptable—provided nobody ends up dressing up like Captain Feathersword in the bedroom. Because, let’s be honest, that might be a tough one to explain to the kids if they walk in on you.

Once you become parents, a lot of things that used to have sexual connotations are now viewed completely differently. I’ll give you some examples. Just think of this as a Parent’s Guide to Sex Terminology:

1. Adult film: Any movie that was not created by Disney or Pixar studios.

2. Booty call: When you phone your mother-in-law to ask if she can knit your infant a new pair of socks.

3. Dirty and/or filthy: Words describing a diaper or the state of your kitchen.

4. Nipple: The plastic end of a baby’s bottle—not to be confused with anything else.

5. STD: So Tired of Dora

6. Threesome: What you call it when your toddler invades your bed in the dead of the night and takes up 70 percent of the available space.

7. Getting a woody: The act of going to the store to purchase a Toy Story character as a gift for someone’s birthday party.

8. Naked fantasy: The joy of never having to do laundry again, because nobody will wear clothes for the rest of eternity.

9. Putting out: A phrase often followed by “the garbage and recycling.”

10. Sexting: Any texts to your partner that do not include a grocery list or directions to soccer practice.

11. Swingers lifestyle: When you spend two hours a day pushing a kid on a swing because she refuses to pump her own legs.

12. Turned on: Refers to electronic gadgets inside the house, e.g., “Is the baby monitor turned on?”

13. Walk of shame: Meandering down the street with a toddler who is throwing a fit.

14. Well-hung: How you describe your excellent job of putting clothes on a drying rack.

Children have also put a damper on what is supposed to be the most romantic day on the calendar: Valentine’s Day. It used to be about a candlelit dinner at an intimate Italian restaurant, followed by passionate lovemaking. But now, it’s evolved into a rush to the store to find 25 Phineas and Ferb Valentine’s Day cards and staying up late to bake peanut- egg- dairy-free heart-shaped cupcakes for your daughter’s class. And if you do miraculously end up at an Italian restaurant on Valentine’s Day, you can bet that somebody in your party is ordering cheese pizza off the kids’ menu.

But after the little ones have gone to bed on February 14, there is finally an opportunity for you and your partner to dim the lights in the bedroom and engage in hours and hours of deep and passionate… sleep. If your kids walk in and disrupt that, it’s even more upsetting than if they catch you having sex.

Follow along as Ottawa-based sports radio host Ian Mendes gets candid about raising daughters, Elissa and Lily, with his wife, Sonia. Read all of Ian’s The Good Sport posts and follow him on Twitter @ian_mendes.

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