Opinion

Books for new moms that don’t exist (but probably should!)

"Sex after baby? Obviously, the first six chapters would be blank pages."

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Photo: iStockphoto

I can laugh about it now, but the topic of baby poop was extremely important to me back in the day. I could talk colour, frequency and consistency for hours. I would examine a diaper’s contents like a fortune teller reads tea leaves at the bottom of a mug. My entire mommy group would exchange poop tips like we were discussing our favourite nail polish colours.

Any book on baby poop would have been an instant classic in my house. This made me wonder what other books I would’ve loved as a new parent. Are there holes in the libraries of sleep- and sex-deprived new moms? Here are some suggestions, if publishers are looking for any new ideas:

Sex After Baby
Obviously, the first six chapters would be blank pages. Topics would include how to avoid eye contact with your partner, how to feign sleep and, of course, a chapter dedicated to my obstetrician’s advice, “lubricate and inebriate.”

One-handed Meals
Even scrambled eggs are tough to manage when you’re balancing an infant in one arm. Which dishes go well with baby and mommy tears?

Alternative Nursery Rhymes
My husband has some wonderful alternative—not to mention NSFW—lyrics to “The Ants Go Marching.” Since babies don’t understand the words anyway, there could be a whole book series of nursery rhymes that would be more entertaining to parents, but still have the sing-song sounds for infants. And yes, I wish I’d written Go the F*ck to Sleep.

First-aid for Parents
A handy guide that covers how to dislodge a Lego piece from your foot, how to bring down the swelling from a black eye received via a sippy cup thrown at your head and what to do when you pinch your finger when installing a car seat.

Social Etiquette for New Parents—and the People Who Love Them
Let’s be honest: no one really knows how to handle the little niceties around having a baby. So a book that provides clear boundaries for parents, friends and in-laws about what not to say, how to enter a house without ringing a doorbell and appropriate gifts for every stage, could be a best seller. Instead of getting mad at your mom for telling you how to raise your child, you could just quietly hand her the book with a well-placed bookmark on the applicable chapter.

A Book to Rip Apart
Babies love to destroy books. If only someone could come up with a book where the pages can be ripped right out—but then put back in so babies could do it all over. Endless hours of entertainment!

What book would you add to your shelf?

Emma Waverman is a writer, blogger and mom to three kids. She has many opinions, some of them fit to print. Read more of her articles here and follow her on Twitter @emmawaverman.

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