Have you seen this weird internet trend: Halloween pumpkins giving birth? Apparently it’s a thing. So, obviously we decided to illustrate the joys of parenthood through, well, pumpkins. Welcome to the strangest article ever written.
1. Remember the good old days, when you were just two sexy kids (with no kids)?
2. Then you pee on a stick and…oh, yeah, it’s on.
3. Once the barfing subsides, you’re ready to share the news with the world.
4. Bonus: Your besties are pregnant, too! #squadgoals
5. When you try to get some rest, inside your baby be like:
6. Are those Braxton Hicks or the real thing? Better call the midwife, girl!
7. Remember how you worried about having your hair and make up done for the hospital? Hahaha, that was funny. But you still looked great, promise.
8. Thankfully you remembered your chic silk scarf and earrings.
9. And a pedicure.
10. Oh, that’s for sure broken forever.
11. Is the F*!@ING baby coming out sideways?!?!
12. Emergency C-section? But what about my birth plan?
13. I can’t believe it—we did it! He’s perfect!
14. Oh sh*t. Now what?
15. How much poop can one baby even have?
16. Aaaaaaand, I have no nipples. Just raw gaping wounds. Cool.
17. Let’s try the pump, maybe?
18. I’m so over pumping all the time, and to be honest, I’m not sure it’s any better.
19. I’m so glad we bought the expensive crib to hold all the new adorable outfits that only fit for three days.
20. Look at us rocking parenting and meal planning like total pros. Wait, why is her eye twitching?
21. Some days you answer the door looking just like this.
22. Hey, check me out. This breastfeeding thing is getting a little easier—and I had time to do my hair!
23. But my house looks like this. Mat leave was supposed to be all about organizing and batch cooking, right? RIGHT?
24. HAS ANYONE FED THE F*!$#ING DOG TODAY?!?!?!?
25. What other families look like on Instagram:
26. Meanwhile, you’re trying to get someone (anyone!) to look at the camera.
27. The division of labour is going exactly as planned. We are a great team!
28. Oh look, he’s crawling now. He literally never stops moving. Where the heck is that baby gate?! #fml
29. He starts daycare and you have some time to chill before mat leave ends. NOPE. Now he’s got a new virus every third day. It’s cool to call in sick your first day back to work, right?
30. Those last 12 months weren’t that bad, maybe we should try again? Honey?
31.We’ve totally got this. What could possibly surprise us the second time around?