No, You Don’t Have to Sleep Train—Here’s What to Know First

Having a new baby is challenging in what feels like an infinite number of ways, and one of the biggest hurdles is getting your child to sleep through the night. After all, if they aren’t sleeping, you don’t get to sleep. And sleep deprivation sucks. After one too many restless nights, you might start to consider sleep training. But do you really need to?

Of course not. Besides providing your child with safety and love, there aren't too many absolute musts in parenting. That doesn’t mean you don’t need a plan or a bit of direction. Feeling frustrated? There’s a solution. We spoke to the experts (and real parents) about sleep training and what you need to do if it’s something you’re considering skipping.

Why sleep training feels like the default

If you’re a new parent—or even pregnant and doing research—you might be under the impression that all babies will wake up multiple times throughout the night, and you will simply be exhausted until they reach kindergarten. So, sleep training might feel like an inevitable choice. But the good news is that it isn’t.

What exactly is sleep training? Dr. Natalie Barnett, Vice President of Clinical Research at Nanit and Founder of Nanit Lab, says, “Sleep training in general refers to behavioural approaches that parents can use that help infants learn to fall asleep independently at the beginning of the night and then get back to sleep by themselves during the night.”

There are two main methods of sleep training. The most well-known is crying it out. With this method, parents put their child down for sleep and do not return until morning or the next scheduled feed, regardless of crying, says Emily Silver, Family Nurse Practitioner, International Board-Certified Lactation Consultant and co-founder of NAPS.

The other way is called the Ferber method (or graduated extinction). “Parents leave the room after bedtime but return at timed intervals to briefly check in and reassure their child. The intervals gradually get longer over several nights. At NAPS, we refer to these as timed check-ins, and we help parents decide how often they will go into the room to check on the baby and soothe them,” notes Silver.

The main difference, according to Silver, is that Ferber allows for periodic comfort and check-ins, while CIO does not.

But Dr. Barnett tells me that not all babies need sleep training. “Sleep is a learned skill, and some babies learn it really quickly and easily, while others need dedicated time and effort to learn how to sleep. Gradually giving your baby the opportunity to fall asleep independently can help avoid the need for formal sleep training.”

The case for skipping sleep training

While moms often feel pressure to sleep train, sometimes it isn’t the right choice for them or their child. For Erica Rose, mother of two and attorney, she opted out of sleep training her eldest daughter. She was also a single mother at the time. “I found it really tough to sleep train my eldest daughter on my own. It pained me too much to hear her cry at night, so I allowed her to sleep in my bed. It just made sense because we both got to sleep, and it felt comfortable.”

Keep in mind that experts, including Dr. Barnett, are generally against this. “I do not recommend bed-sharing. Bedsharing increases the risk of accidental suffocation and SIDS.” And while Silver adds that risk is much higher if parents are drinking heavily or smoking, sleeping with pillows, blankets, or other soft bedding around the baby (which is seemingly innocuous) can also increase the risk of SIDS.

So, if you choose to co-sleep, Silver advises educating yourself on safe sleep practices: “Placing the baby on their back, using a firm mattress, never sleeping on couches or armchairs, and keeping them next to you rather than between adults. With an older baby and then toddler, the risk of SIDS is significantly reduced.”

You may also get lucky and have a baby who naturally sleeps well. It isn't as rare as you think. Or, if you're simply against sleep training, there's nothing wrong with learning to live with your baby's evolving circadian rhythm—it's normal for babies to wake during the night up to 1-year-old and beyond. And many experts believe that when a baby cries, they're learning to signal for help, and when a parent doesn't show up to help, they're not learning to self-soothe; they're learning that crying doesn't work.

Alternative approaches to baby sleep

Silver says that there are many ways to improve your infant’s sleep without formal sleep training. For example, having a consistent routine can be very helpful. “A predictable bedtime routine signals that sleep is coming and helps your child wind down. This could include a bath, putting on pyjamas, reading a book, and a snuggle or lullaby. Following the same sequence each night reinforces a sense of security and helps your child anticipate what comes next.”

If your child isn’t sleeping well, it could also be an issue with their sleeping environment, which is an easy fix. Silver suggests keeping your child’s room dark, cool and quiet. “White noise can help mask household sounds that might otherwise wake them. Small adjustments, like blackout shades or a fan, can make a big difference in promoting uninterrupted sleep.”

Making sure your child naps and has things to do during the day to tire them out is also essential. “Age-appropriate naps are crucial. Overtired children often have more difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep,” she reveals. “Pairing sufficient daytime rest with plenty of active play helps regulate your child’s sleep-wake cycles and makes bedtime smoother.”

In addition to this, Silver states that soothing your child to sleep can be helpful. “Gentle pre-sleep activities like rocking, feeding or a light back rub can help your child relax without leaving them to cry alone.”

However, it isn’t an all-or-nothing approach. Dr. Barnett notes, “Paying attention to signs of tiredness, hunger or overstimulation and responding consistently helps guide sleep without formal training.”

You may also need to experiment to see what works for you and your child. There isn’t exactly a magic pill when it comes to baby sleep. “There is truly no one-size-fits-all approach. It’s important that healthcare providers are supporting parents to choose safe, effective approaches to sleep training that fit their family,” explains  Dr. Barnett.

Signs your approach is working (even if it’s not “by the book”)

The good news is that it’s pretty easy to tell if your approach is working. If your child is falling asleep faster, staying asleep longer and not waking during the night, more likely than not, you’re doing something right.

Real talk: trust yourself

No matter your child’s sleep situation, it’s important to trust your own parental instincts. Every child is different, and it’s crucial to listen to your baby’s cues. Remember, if you are exhausted and at your wits’ end, you might not have the best judgment. Start by discussing the issue with your partner or doctor. Plus, if your child isn’t sleeping throughout the night, no matter what you do, there might be another reason why, such as an allergy or stomach issue.

Lastly, if it is in your budget, you may want to hire a night nurse or night nanny to help get your child back on track with sleep, even if it is just for a few nights. After all, it’s hard to be the best parent if you are sleep-deprived yourself.

Experts

• Dr. Natalie Barnett, Vice President of Clinical Research at Nanit and Founder of Nanit Lab 
• Emily Silver, Family Nurse Practitioner, IBCLC and co-founder of NAPS
• Erica Rose, mother of two girls and the founding partner and CFO of the Rose Sanders Law Firm P.L.L.C.