Is your daughter a mean girl?

To anonymous with the child whose best friend bullies her.... my kids have a name for that: "fremeny" - a friend/enemy - your friend when it is good for them (ie you give them candy or make them look good) and your enemy when that is good for them (makes fun of you to score points with the popular kids, etc). Something is very wrong if a child's friend bullies them regularly - and they are learning a very unhealthy view of friendship that involves always seeking to please to make friends. My kids would say she is "being used". We resolved this problem with one-on-one counselling by a social worker - once my daughter's sense of self and self confidence grew, she ditched the fremeny, other bullying stopped and she made real friends. I really believe the solution is to give children the tools to deal with bullying - if they don't encounter bullies at school, they will at work.

Is it possible that you are encouraging her to be friends with this friend who is "like a sister" and your daughter doesn't have the courage or ability to step away from her because she wants to please you? I think a child who desperately want to please or be included is more likely to be bullied.

Anyway, just my 2 cents worth. Obviously not in your shoes. But counselling really works.

As for this article, I am dubious. Clear expectations about behaviour AND lots of love is what kids need. The bullies I have encountered either have parents with low/no expectations or don't love/spend time with their kids. The principal can't fix these problems.

I have a few thoughts. I taught a boy this year who seemed to take pleasure in pointing out kids who were late for class or having his voice heard the loudest. I didn't need to punish him. I made himface the victim and state what he was thinking when he didthe act and he thought it impact others in the class, not just the victim. Imade the bullying bigger than just that one girl. I asked the victim how it affects her, what she had been thinking of and what she's told her friends or family. I asked her what she needed to have happen and I asked the bully if he agreed that the requests were fair. He did but he needed alot of coaching to make the pledge to shaken it and that the handshake sealed the deal. He stopped that day. It's easy for kids to be a bully when you can walk away and not think about the consequences. Sometimes the disappointed parents add enough shame to stop a bully. I do think that some bullies are hurting about something and have really low emotional resiliency, while others look for entertainment or are simply thoughtless. I don't think punishment is the answer...itopensthe Window to blame someone instead of reflecting on their own actions. Check out www.iirp.org

Sorry, I'm agreeing with quite a few of the Mom's. I couldn't think of a worse tactic than the advice offered here for a child bully. Unconditional love is just that. Unconditional. It doesn't mean it's blind and stupid. I lead by example. I treat people with the utmost respect. I expect my child to be well mannered, respectful and observant of the world around her. And yes I do EXPECT it. It is a strict "within her boundaries" expectation. Lots of room to maneuver on other things. Not on this. It would break my heart if I found out she was the bully, but I certainly would not deal with it in a soft gloves way. It's a non-negotiable. We do not have the right to treat others with disrespect or to harm them in any way. Bottom line. It is not our right to believe ourselves on a higher plane than anyone else.

My daughter is 9 and has been on both sides of this. She has been bullied for 3 years by one girl at school and no matter who she tells, nothing ever gets done. We have gone to the principal, who preaches zero tolerance all the time and again nothing has been done. She has an 11 yr old friend, they have been friends since my daughter was a baby and she bullies her constantly. I have tried everything to get her to stop and nothing seems to work. My daughter can be very kind, helpful and considerate, she makes things for the older people at our church, helps neighbours all the time, helps her grand parents, teachers love her and I hear nothing but praise for her...then some times she changes (and no, I don't think there is anything psychologically wrong with her) and she can be mean, sneaky and very bossy. She is never physical but words can often hurt more than violence. She has been denied privileges, been grounded, lost possessions and nothings seems to work. I was disappointed by this article, I was hoping for some help! Our daughter is loved, no matter what, she has a very strong family and we all spend lots of time together. She also has her freedom (as much as you can give a 9 yr old) and is rewarded for good behaviour. I honestly don't know what to do with her some times. She knows that it feels horrible to be bullied but sometimes she just doesn't care! She talks openly about things but has no idea why she says or does stuff...I have now banned the phrase "I don't know" from our house!! I would love some real suggestions about how to deal with this because nothing seems to work! (I should also mention that the friend that she bullies most often is with her about 4 days a week, they have grown up like sisters. She is a huge bully to her but if anyone else says or does anything mean to this girl she is the first one to stick up for her and rush to help her! It is so frustrating some days!!!)

Totally agree Laura999!!! If as the article states, "parents feel they have to walk on eggshells" why is the recommendation to support them more? Sigh! When are we going to get with the program - protecting the victims?? How about this - make them work in a soup kitchen to see that they are others that are less fortunate (if they have that "better than" attitude), or talk with people who work at a help line to hear how bullying can hurt? What about reading "stories" of tragic outcomes of bullying situations? Overly dramatic, hmmm - you got it - I'm the parent of a bullied child!

This advice is ridiculous, and it's no wonder the younger generations behave the way they do these days. Unconditional love for our children, yes I totally agree with that but respecting a child who is a bully? I don't think so. If either of my daughters behaved in that way, they would be punished. It is not right for children to behave that way just like it is not okay for adults to behave that way. I will always love my daughters no matter what they do or what decisions they make however it is my job as their mother to correct them and teach them how to behave and how to treat people, not to kiss them, respect them and shower them with attention when they are hurting other people.

While I agree that we've all had our mean moments, I disagree that there should be no punishment for those who take it a step farther. I was bullied and I would be destroyed if I found out my daughter was making others feel as horrible as I felt. What I would like to read in TP is how to teach my daughter to fight any "natural urge" to be mean and how to be a confident leader in a positive way.

A big DISLIKE !!
Why isn't there a facebook "dislike" icon available??

I don't agree that bullies are those with low self-esteem, this theory is for making the vitims feel better. In my past experiences from juinor kindergarten to university years, bullies are people with high self-esteem, being confident, feeling superior, good lair, being able to fool adults with their innocent faces, and having the power to influence peers. They bully for fun, to feel good, for keeping themselves up high like a predator, to gain friendships, to further destroying others who are inferior, or those who make them jealous.

The entire article above misses the point, that the bullies have learned to manipulate social situations, and by offering a kiss on the head and no punishment or consequences, then they will not have any motivation to change their behavior. Bullies can put on whatever sweet smile is necessary, and nod to pretend compliance, and then will attack again the moment the adult turns their back. They are masters of "the game". BCR's response below
"I agree with both Maureen and Colleen's concerns ... " indicates that she has been surprised by the parent backlash displayed here and is backpedalling a bit to save her rep. I too agree with Maureen and Colleen, but because I look at the other mothers in my kids' groups and see the pendulum swinging back to some old-school values, of respect for adults and authority, of manners, of a swat on the bum (when necessary) to nip this behavior in the bud when they're 2, not twelve. An active role from the beginning is important, but so is firm, decisive, consistent action when unwanted behaviors rear their ugly head.

I agree with both Maureen and Colleen's concerns. It is vital that parents take their child's 'bullying' seriously and deal with it quickly.
There are 2 separate goals however: one is for the child to be accountable for their actions and make amends with the child they bullied. The second goal, which was explored more in this article, is the parents role in helping 'rehabilitate' a child that bullies. This usually takes longer because bully's often do not feel good about themselves and have poor self-esteem.
Every child deserves to be treated with love and respect and bullies are no different.

Thanks for the insight. All children have issues with socialization at some point, I like the idea of giving the child the benefit of the doubt and talk, talk and more talk along with LOVE! If we treat our children this way from the start then maybe some of these children who are having issues will not turn into the "mean" kids.

In no way do I agree that bullying of any form is okay but one thing to keep in mind, is that the bully is often being bullied themselves, either by a parent, older sibling, etc. Bullies often don't know how to socialize properly and are bullying to make themselves feel better.

My girls, ages 7 and 9, have already been bullied at school and have witnessed other children being bullied numerous times. I have had many discussions with the school, other parents, my children. I am so proud of my 9 year old daugter, who did an awesome job presenting a speech on bullying to the school last month. We all learned so much!

While juggling our busy lives, parents must be observant of their children's behavior. Talk with your children about bullying, their feelings, how to handle difficult situations, who to talk to, etc. Whether your child is a bully, or a victim, communication is key! It is our obligation to be informed and be open to discuss. If we do our job as parents, there will be alot less tragedy in the future!

This attitude of kiss the mean child/bully to make them feel better is why our children are out of control. Everything is done to make the bully or the mean child feel all better....what about the emotionally injured child? The child that has to indure the insults, the hurt they have to hide of not bring accepted into the group at school? The child that is always told to get lost, no you can't play with us? The ones that are laughed at to their face? These are the injured children that need to be kissed to make it all better.
Perhaps all these "professionals" can come up with some solutions to keep our nice and caring children from committing suicide.....it is because of these "mean children" that we lose the caring children of this world.

I'm a bit disappointed with the advice given in this particular article. If we treat these "mean girls" or bullies with kid gloves, they will continue to be mean spirited because they know they can get away with it. Bullying is a SERIOUS issue in schools and the behaviour should be nipped in the bud RIGHT AWAY. I completely disagree with Beverley's recommendation.