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Careless Preteens

Getting angry will not help kids learn responsibility

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Originally published in Today's Parent December 2009

Thinking abstractly

Ten-year-old Lisa walks in after a busy day of school and socializing. But something is missing. “Lisa? Where’s your jacket? I ask. She looks around hopefully, as though she expects it to suddenly materialize.

“Umm — maybe I left it at Sandy’s house. No, maybe I left it on the bus. Are you sure I wore a jacket this morning?” Five minutes later, her big brother comes in the door. “Hey, Lisa, how did you do on your report card?”

Report card? It’s report card day? Lisa gives me a sheepish look. “Um, I think I left that at Sandy’s too.” Today, Lisa is very organized and efficient, but during those preteen years — not so much.

Certified family communications coach Wendy McDonnell of Guelph, Ont., says this isn’t unusual. “When children are seven or eight, they are often very fastidious and want everything in order. But during their preteen years, they are moving from a stage when their thinking is concrete to being able to think more abstractly. They’re starting to see the world differently, and their brain is working on all these different possibilities — leaving fewer brain cells to focus on sticking to a routine and keeping track of mittens.”

This, McDonnell says, can often come across to others as carelessness or forgetfulness. She urges parents not to label their preteens as careless because it’s a description the child may take to heart. Most preteens, she points out, aren’t careless all the time or even most of the time. Her own 10-year-old daughter, Sarah, is “at one minute extraordinarily helpful and organized, and the next minute she’s freaking out because she can’t find the sweater she wants to wear or the book she was supposed to take back to the library.”

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