What I see when I breastfeed my toddler
When you see a mother breastfeeding her child, what do you see? Jennifer shares what it looks like to her
By //
Originally published on TodaysParent.com January 23, 2012
Photo by The Mamarazzi Photography
I was going through our vacation photos from our recent trip to Grand Cayman when I came across one of Gillian breastfeeding (what a surprise!). We were sitting on the beach and Mr. P was trying to get a good shot of myself and the kids. It was one of our last days, she was tired, homesick and needed the comfort that nursing provides her.
(Of course, I could have offered her a sippy cup of water, but for my then 20-month old baby, it wasn't what she needed. When offered a handshake from your spouse at the end of a rough day, do you feel loved and reassured?)
What struck me about the picture is that she looked huge — less like our baby and more like our little girl. It would be easy for a passerby who has never been through the emotional battlefield that is breastfeeding to look at the two of us and wonder why I’m still offering a breast to a small person that can chew sandwiches, think independently, open doors and partially dress herself.
It’s easy to think that way and people do. Even easier is to label mothers who breastfeed their children beyond infancy as lazy, disgusting and selfish women with attachment issues. All of those labels have been assigned to extended breastfeeders this week, sadly on this blog and in a certain national newspaper. And as I said to todaysparent.com editor Alex Mlynek this weekend “I never thought that I would be a crusader. But between the National Post, Facebook and the negative comments on www.todaysparent.com this week, I'm feeling like I need to find a superhero cape.”
So let me take my nursing coverup, flip it backwards and wear it as my reluctant superhero cape, to share with you what I see and don’t see when I’m feeding my daughter.
What I don’t see
The editorial panel of a national newspaper that I generally enjoy reading telling me I have self worth issues
How disgusting I am and how I’m setting ourselves up for attachment issues (the first comment on my post last week post about weaning our daughter)
What I do see
My ravaged breasts. Stretch marked, scarred, deflated and more than a little sad looking. To anyone who thinks I am selfish for sharing my body the way I have with both my children — breastfeeding is one of the least selfish things you can do for your babies. No one warns you that the Girls will be obliterated. Some things that improve the more you use them — well — breasts aren’t one of them.
The infant I delivered by VBAC and then emotionally rejected. During those first weeks mired in a pit of postpartum depression, I was convinced she wasn’t my child and the hospital gave me the wrong baby. My breasts and my milk kept her alive, even though my brain was unglued and I was disconnected from her. It was in the middle of a late-night feed when she turned her head and looked at me in the eye did I fall in love with her.
I see only love, promise and the future of a brave woman who is — gasp — attached to her mother and family.
Jennifer Garner is practically super mom
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What do you think?
SindyAS says ....
Do what feels right for you and your family. Its not my cup of tea, but that's me. I wanted to breastfeed my kids til they were a year old, but it drove me nuts so I whined my daughter off at 10 months and my son is in the process now.
eating4two says ....
You are an amazing mom who does what she feels is best based on the needs and wants of her children as well as taking care of you and your needs and wants to the best of your ability!
I support your cape and I hope it flies in the faces of your nay-sayers!
Guest_177380 says ....
I also am an extended breastfeeder of a 22 month old boy. He mainly breastfeeds first thing in the morning or before bed. I also breastfed my 9 year old daughter until she was a month shy of 2. They are both very healthy kids and I wouldn't do anything differently, especially since the benefits far outweigh any negative comments anyone may say. Thank you Jennifer for this article!
Asha (not verified) says ....
Thank you for those words of reassurance! I am still breastfeeding my 14 month old daughter. I am trying to get her to drink cows milk (mostly because it is becoming an 'inconvenience' and she is constantly rejecting it. So what am I supposed to do? I am glad to hear other moms are in the same boat as I am.
One thing I am always telling myself is that I don't see any grown-ups who still rely on their mothers for milk!
NancyLG (not verified) says ....
I breastfed all 3 of my boys and let them wean themselves. My oldest (now 20 yrs old) gave it up at 4 1/2, my second (now 18) gave it up around 3 and my last (now 14) gave it up just before he turned 3. I tandem nursed the 2 older ones and had lots of comments and funny looks, but I didn't really care what anyone else thought. They're MY kids and I'll raise them in a way I think is appropriate for me, them and our family. No one else had a stake in how they turned out, so why should anyone else have a say in how they're raised. In the end, they turned out great! We have a great relationship with no attachment problems and they learned love and empathy from it. In fact, my oldest has been in the Philippines for the last year doing humanitarian work and will be there for another year...he doesn't seem to have any problem with attachment issues! Do whatever is right for you and your child and let everyone else do the same :)
Guest_359764 says ....
My wife nurses our 3 year + 9month old and takes a lot of grief for it. He is the healthiest little guy I know - he is never sick and when he has been under the weather it has been greatly improved by nursing and being close to her (getting the real time attention that he needs and deserves). People should keep their negative comments to themselves or back them up with some real knowledge. I know she has talked to that Canadian Breastfeeding Doctor (sorry can't remember the name) a couple of times just for reasurance. I know she is doing the right thing, she knows but constantly doubts herself ---- and our little guy KNOWS she's doing the right thing! He loves his booby..........as a dad though I gotta say that it IS a BIT creepy that he can ask for it by name but usually he'll just say he wants to 'go upstairs for a nap' or use his baby sign language for milk which works just fine. All the best to all of you hard working moms - you are doing amazing things for your babies!!!
Elana (not verified) says ....
Congratulations on doing what you feel is right for you and your family!
Olga&D&A (not verified) says ....
Poor you that you have to deal with so much guilt and nastiness. She's only 20 months for heaven's sake! I'd understand you writing this blog if she were almost 4... but she isn't even two yet! What's wrong with the people around you? When I took my babies home from the hospital (in 2001 & 2007, Montreal), the nurses made sure to remind me that they very strongly advise to breastfeed until at least one and PREFERABLY until the child is TWO years of age. That's 24 months! Why in the world are you dealing with guilt????
And of course it's a love/hate situation, as much as I loved nursing, I hated how much it drained me. Much of what you do for your child is love/hate: because I love them, I need to punish them sometimes (I hate that), because I love them I have to tell them to stop playing and do homework, because I love them I'll probably have to ground them when they're teens (something I'll really hate). The love/hate is a part of being a parent.
Please stop feeling guilty and enjoy nursing for as long as you feel comfortable - not for as long as the people around you feel comfortable.
Good luck!
Pam (not verified) says ....
Susanne,
I'm completely with you!
I would have never thought I would tandem nurse. My doctor said when I got pregnant, "you know you don't need to wean."
I didn't and it was the best choice ever! When my daughter was born, I had milk for her very quickly, so she was a very happy girl. My nipples didn't hurt because they were still used to nursing. When my milk came in or I was engorged my older child took care of it so I had no pain. We did have to lay ground rules though so baby got enough. It was only before bed then in the morning. However, before bed they would nurse at the same time. They would look into each others' eyes and touch each other on the cheeks. I'm sure that is what helped my two year old fall in love with his sister and welcome her into the family.
Happy nursing, Ladies!
Marion (not verified) says ....
I breastfed my daughter until she self-weaned at the age of three. I was fortunate to always be supported in my decision by my family and friends/community. I am so grateful that my daughter was able to breastfeed and that I was able to breastfeed her. (I have seen how heartbroken some moms are when it just doesn't work out for them.) I am glad to have given her such a healthy start in life. There is so much harmful stuff in the environment these days - breastfeeding was one thing that I could do to help my daughter grow up strong despite the chemical onslaught her young body has to deal with.
HK says ....
I breastfed my son until he was 3.5. He only nursed after he was 2 before bed and if he was asleep. He weened himself. He told me one day when we were getting ready for bed that he didn't need "mommy milk" anymore. It was a sad day for me, but I was so glad that he was allowed to stop on his own terms and he realised that he was okay without it. We are extremely close. I don't think it is just because he breastfed for so long, but it was a special time between us that we both enjoyed and cherished. He has some special activities that he only shares with his dad as well. I was criticized by a few, but it never bothered me because I knew it was what he needed at the time and when it had served it purpose it ended. I know it would have been very traumatic for him if we had stopped before he was ready. I only have one child, but breastfeeding is something that I will always cherish. I never criticize women who choose not to breastfeed. I feel it is a personal choice and people should not judge others either way. I'm never sure why it always bothers others so much when women breastfeed older children. It really is none of their business.
Danielle (not verified) says ....
I understand how you feel....but I must say that I have been made on many occcasions to feel awful about breastfeeding my own 2 children. My oldest I managed to fight through the pain of it, he was an evil nurser, no LeLeche league consultant, health nurse, doctor, nipple shield could help me, I tried it all! I was given MANY dirty looks for feeding my 3 month old a bottle in public! My second son I had more success with, he nursed until 8 months, then I began weaning to go back to work. I believe that everyone has a choice and that breastfeeding until your child is 2+ or not breastfeeding at all is ok! We all need to be more undestanding of eachother and not judge so quickly...If your daughter and you are both enjoying breastfeeding, then I say go for it, but don't judge others for not doing the same!
Juliette (not verified) says ....
I've breastfed two toddlers now - my daughter weaned at 3.5 and my son is still going at 23 months, with no end in close sight, I hope. Neither child has attachment issues in the least (as evidenced by my daughter hopping happily on the school bus her first day without a backwards glance!), and neither do I :) I credit breastfeeding with not having to use (and then wean from) a soother, encouraging a love of sleep through night-nursing, and healthy attachments to humans rather than inanimate objects. We've also found it helps tremendously with recovering quickly from tantrums and minor accidents. Not to mention increased health!
One note - the American Society of Plastic Surgeons has published research showing that it is pregnancies. not breastfeeding, that deflate breasts. You're doomed from the moment sperm meets egg :)
mom2+1 (not verified) says ....
I nursed my twins until they were over 2 1/2. The nutritionist at our local Childrens Hospital encouraged it because my son was small for his age, and at 2, breast milk is still great nutrition. But it was his twin sister who really kept it going (I think he only nursed later because she did). Thankfully, I live in a community where this is largely well accepted. My daughter was over-stimulated really easily as a baby and toddler. She didnt really like strangers talking to her (and as a twin attracted a lot of attention, particualry with a really outgoing twin brother), play groups and visiting her older sisters preschool was also a lot for her- so I know she nursed as a way to block out the world for a few minutes. After she nursed, she was always more relaxed and able to join in the fun again.
Now my babies are 7! My once shy daughter is a social butterfly, we had 17 girls at her birthday party, because she just couldnt leave any of her "friends" out.
I dont regret one minute of the time I spent nursing my children, even if my boobs will never be the same. Don't let anyone's ignorant opinion stop you from doing it if it's right for your family!
Susan (not verified) says ....
I am an extended breastfeeder. I have three sons, the youngest now 16 years old. When I went for a mammogram, there was a line on the questionnaire that asked if I had breastfed, and for how long in total. There were boxes to check off: up to 3 months, up to 6 months, up to 12 months. I had to write in 13-and-a-half YEARS!! Smiled to myself when I handed in the form and saw the nurse do a double-take. My two oldest kids nursed 4 years each (with one year of overlap), and the youngest kept going until he was a few months over 6. Yes, 6. By then it was pretty much just at bedtime, and just for a couple of minutes. But it was important to him--and to me.
I don't think any one of my boys has attachment issues. They all still hug me and say "I love you" which is just the best. And hey, we all screw up as parents sometimes. If this is screwing up, it's a pretty benign way to do it!
Dor (not verified) says ....
I nursed my son up to the week before he turned 3, and he's fine, attachment issues no more or less than other kids his age. I wasn't aware till now that there was a stigma about nursing toddlers, what a ridiculous idea some people come up with. Of course I started weaning about a month or so before 'the cut-off date' so it wasn't too bad of a process.
Ashleigh (not verified) says ....
Very well said. I've been nursing my almost 8-month old twins. I really struggled at the beginning. It took almost 7 weeks for one of my twins to start breastfeeding exclusively (I pumped for her before then). I take great pride in the fact that I persevered and they both finally got it after a ton of hard work. I have no intention of stopping at the 1 year mark. I'm planning on nursing them for as long as they'd like. I do worry somewhat about the stigma attached to nursing toddlers, but I don't care enough to not do it. The health benefits alone are so great. Thank you for the article!
http://www.2moms2dogs2babies.com
Jackie (not verified) says ....
Wow. well said! and good for you!
Kelli Coulson (not verified) says ....
March on caped crusaider!! You are certainly not alone. I loved this heartfelt and honest article, I too have felt the disapproving glances of friend, families and strangers with my choice to breastfeed my children until they were ready to wean. By the way, they both did around the two year old mark. That must mean something......hmmmmm. I commend you and you need not defend yourself but your words I'm sure will help other women along and stand strong for what they believe.
Cheers to you and your poor pitiful boobies, by the way they do get a little better, not much, but hey they worked damn hard! They are veterans.
RaspberryRags says ....
How discouraging! I thought women were thought lazy and selfish if they didn't breast feed? Damned if you do...
Although it was not originally my intention, I appear to be vying for the lifetime achievement award in breast feeding! I weaned my first daughter just short of her fourth birthday--bascially so I wouldn't have to admit nursing her at that age, ha ha. Although my second daughter passed that milestone in October and is still going strong.
I did set some ground rules to preserve my sanity. After about 14 months I stop nursing in public, they are just too wiggly and easily distracted and, okay, I became uncomfortable nursing an older child openly. I framed it in a positive manner: this is special mommy and child time that we save for ourselves.
By about 16 months we said good bye to nursing on demand (that's our special time ritual). By 20 to 22 months they were down to bedtime feedings only, unless sick or teething, etc. For help night weaning in a kind and nondistruptive manner, I highly recommend Elizabeth Pantley and a method I think she calls Pantley Pull Off. It takes time and patience but it works (even if in fatigue you find it hard to be consistent here and there and even if you co-sleep).
In fact, I tandem nursed my girls who are 2.5 years apart (again, not something I ever planned to do). I think it helped my older daughter accept, relate to, and bond with our new arrival.
I was concerned about weaning my eldest when she could see her little sister was still nursing, but she was fine. I did it very slowly and systematically and we talked about it in advance (we worked together to meet this goal). Across the weeks, I reduced the time until we were down to five minutes and then in the final week counted down until we were at zero.
Yes, I imagine there are many who would question (maybe even pathologize) my actions and, frankly, even I can't believe I am about to reach the seven year mark of non-stop lactating! I simply make the decisions I feel are best for myself and my family.
You will too, I'm sure.
Best wishes,
Susanne
Anonymous says ....
I totally understand and agree, I too am still breastfeeding my 20 month old
Deanne says ....
That's a really beautiful photo, Jennifer!
Haley Overland says ....
Amazing post, Jennifer.... I love this.