#13: The wonderful gift of an only child
While some might see an only child as a lonely existence, one mom documents the beauty of giving her love to one incredible little boy.
Photo: Deanna McFadden
From the first whoopsy-daisy moment of finding out we were pregnant, I knew The Fig — as we called our son when he was, well, the size of a small piece of fruit — would be our only child.
Sure, I’m a little worried, and maybe a bit concerned, about the typical problems when it comes to having just one: Will he be lonely without a sibling? Will he end up being spoiled and perhaps a bit selfish? It seems to me, though, that there are just as many issues around having two or more kids, so it’ll all come out in the wash, right?
I know siblings provide comfort and context when you’re growing up. I have a younger brother; my husband, an older brother and a younger sister. We both enjoy big family gatherings and spending weekends at the cottage with an entire gang. But then, I can also make all kinds of politically correct, environmentally sound arguments about having a one-child household. In truth, being a parent takes up all of your time, and that responsibility for the life now in the world, well, it fills you up completely whether you have one or whether you have many.
Still, we aren’t the royal family, so there’s no real reason for an heir and a spare, and I don’t have a huge farm to run where many hands are needed to make light the work. I wanted to experience pregnancy. To have a baby. To be a good parent. All of this can be accomplished with just one rambunctious, energy-laced, ridiculously cute little boy.
Family is what you make it. So many of us have friends and cousins that are so close that we’d consider them siblings, and more often than not, real brothers and sisters end up being so different that the only bonds that bring them together are forced holidays, guilt, and a never-ending whirl of uncomfortable dinners. For now, my son has daycare for socialization twice a week, his cousins at the cottage on the weekends as playmates, and friends that will become like brothers — without the constant fighting and the jealousy that sometimes rears its ugly head.
We can influence and encourage him to become an independent, self-reliant person who enjoys his own company. Our goal is to work hard to build a family that will expose him to all of the inherent fun and excitement that comes along with living in a big, glorious city, and then we’ll pack him up and cart the boy off to interesting places.
As my husband puts it, we’re going to having a wonderful life with him. All of which makes it clear to me that my job as a parent isn’t to be his sibling, but to enrich his life and then leave him happily well off and well taken care of. Some days, we almost get there. So far, and he’s only almost-two, all of my worries seem a little silly. After all, my son’s a delightful, giving, and outgoing little guy who oozes with love, and our family honestly feels perfect, just being we happy three.
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Gay (not verified) says ....
- Wow, we WERE in sync last night! What a beautiful shot of Micah. I haven't seen any of the Hasablad phoots yet. Thanks for the lovely words and good wishes.
Claire (not verified) says ....
I agree...quality over quantity. I know large families where siblings no longer even speak to each other and other families where siblings are as tight as can be. Relationships are what you make of them. You don't have to be a sibling or even a blood relative to have a close special bond.
My father is an only child but treats his first cousin like a brother. His cousin actually has a sibling that he no longer speaks to our entire family so it works out perfectly for my father and his cousin.
Every parent should do what would work for them and their child/children. There are so many pluses and minuses from every situation...make the best out of your own situation and celebrate the pluses.
Also thinking about one (not verified) says ....
Thank you for your response Marlene. As with many parenting issues, it's always helpful to chat with someone who has been through it before you. Your positive experience gives me confidence and the fact that you mentioned your son confirms that he didn't regret the experience of being the one child in his family warms my heart!
Marlene (not verified) says ....
I don't think we did things too differently. We were, however, very aware that we had a responsibility to have many playtimes with other kids for socializing. I can't remember at what age but, we always made sure that when travelling, day trips, zoo, etc, that we would invite a friend to join us and our home was always the major play centre. Sharing was one of the more difficult areas. Being an only child, on a day to day basis, this is not a problem. My husband and I would tell our son that he didn't have to share everything. That if it was a very special item, to put it away when visitors were around. Let's face it, as adults, there are some things that are more precious than others and we wouldn't share them. I think all children are different and youhave to play it by ear. And, let's face it, we all are trying to do the b est for our child. #1 ENJOY! Believe me the time really does fly by.
Also thinking about one (not verified) says ....
Marlene, it's lovely to read your comment. How did you parent your only child? Were there things that you watched out for, or did as a result of having one child? Or, did you parent as any other parent would? Having had a sibling, I feel like I don't have a parenting road map for parenting my single child. Maybe I'm just overthinking it?
Marlene (not verified) says ....
Being part of a family of 3, I can only say that my husband and I have no regrets and our son comfirms he feels the same. We are as proud of our son, as you are of yours and we can only wish for you the joy we have with our family now that he and his partner have an only. Now we are a family of 5.
Just ENJOY!
EZ (not verified) says ....
Thank you for putting into words what we have been feeling for the first six months of our happy little daughter's life. Very well written!
Also thinking about one (not verified) says ....
Thank you for posting this today. I needed it! Due to age, I'll likely have our one daughter who is 4. She's social, happy and a delight. Many of my friends also have only children, I taught many wonderful only children and I've read the research, including Susan Newman who writes extensively on only children and debunks many of the myths, but still struggle sometimes with a sense of guilt. Oddly, while my sibling and I were great pals as young children, we didn't remain close as teens, and to my sadness, we are not close as adults. I've come to realize that to have another child just to provide a sibling for my current child isn't a good enough reason to create another life. I hope to read more about your family of 3 in future blogs!