An open letter to the woman in the Safeway parking lot ...
Kristin sends her thanks to a stranger who reached out with kindness during one of the scariest moments of her life.
Photo by Roland via Flickr.
You don't expect a life altering moment to happen at the grocery store.
You expect to buy some honey roasted almonds, maybe, and some lettuce and goat cheese for a salad you'll be bringing later for dinner with friends. You expect to sigh a little as the prices pile higher and higher at the self-checkout stand — when did grapes become more expensive than a bottle of wine? You expect the fluorescent lights and the elevator music and the Fancy Feast on sale for 66 cents.
What you don't expect, when you visit the grocery store on a rainy Saturday afternoon in June, is that something might happen in the parking lot, something that will seize your heart and shatter your spirit and leave you sobbing and clinging and waiting for the ambulance to arrive. You never expect life altering moments to arrive when they do, and when they happen you are woefully unprepared, shocked to discover this is happening to you.
***
I don't know you, and I don't know that I will ever see you again, but I wanted to try to let you know somehow that your unscripted humanity impacted me in a way I don't know that I'll be able to articulate.
I'm not sure if you saw exactly what happened. Did you see me leaning in to touch my nose to my baby's nose? He was cooing and smiling, you see, and it was our first shopping trip that hadn't ended it tears. I was proud and surging with love for this tiny baby that I never thought I'd have.
We weren't minding the rain: This is Vancouver and we pay for the majesty of our mountains and the blue of our ocean with inconvenient droplets at times. It's a small price.
My Jeep was only a few steps away when the cart hit the yellow speed bump, and you may be able to relay the next moments better than I.
I remember this, and it's all in slow motion: The car seat sliding from the cart, sickeningly. I remember a woman's bloodcurdling scream, the green dots of the car seat fabric spinning, about to hit the pavement. I remember my legs, not fast enough, my lunge to retrieve him, weak and trapped in slow motion and I remember a tormented howl that let loose from my throat and hurt my ears.
That is my baby in that car seat, upside down on the pavement. That is my baby, my baby, my baby.
I couldn't do anything after that. My legs were yogurt and I could think of nothing but black and my baby's head, suddenly underneath my chin, warm and tear soaked and I was shaking so hard my teeth knocked into each other.
I remember your face and your eyes as people clustered around me.
Oh my god, the baby.
The baby.
How old is the baby, what happened, oh my god he fell hard.
My baby.
He was screaming, alarmingly loudly and I remember you saying that's good, the cry is good, it's OK. Your hand was on my back as people asked me questions and relayed their stories. A man in a grey jacket tried to prevent a car from leaving the lot, mistakenly assuming the driver was involved with this scene. A woman with weary eyes touched my arm and said, this happened to my baby too. It's OK. He will be OK.
You escorted me to the building, out of the rain. You retrieved my purse from the middle of the parking lot where I'd left it with the contents spilling out. You found my keys and worked with bystanders to call 911 and load up my car with groceries. I stood there under the Safeway awning and I cried because I exist to protect my baby from the world and I didn't, I failed completely and so he is hurt, so badly. I experienced a simultaneous shame and desperate love for my baby and when you asked, I couldn't even remember my husband's phone number.
You retrieved my iPhone from the shrapnel of my purse and that's no easy feat. There are energy bar wrappers in there and socks and loonies covered with mysterious food particles. You somehow extracted the lock code from me and found my husband's number and passed me the phone so I could tell him: Our baby is hurt and an ambulance is on the way and please get here fast.
"You are not a bad mother," you kept saying. "Accidents happen to all of us moms." I am too messed up to thank you for your kindness, to let you know it is saving me right now. You sit beside me as the firemen arrive and look in Jude's eyes and feel his scalp and undo his tiny onesie to check for bruising and my mind keeps replaying the car seat, over the edge, tumbling down, flipping, trapping my baby.
I clicked the seat in, I heard the click, why did he fall?
I let him fall, I let him fall. His head.
When the ambulance came my husband hadn't arrived and when I pleaded for them to please wait, Corey will be here in two minutes, they told me: We have to go. We can't wait around in a situation like this, sorry.
I thought you had demonstrated enough kindness to a total stranger, but you weren't finished: You stepped into the door to ask if I wanted to give you the Jeep keys so my husband could follow the ambulance to the hospital. When the doors shut and the sirens came on, yours was the last face I'd seen and there was no judgment anywhere on it. You were full of human kindness and compassion and I can't tell you what you meant to me in those terrifying minutes.
I wanted to tell you that my baby will be OK. That we sat at the hospital in silence for hours, thinking about what could be and what, thank god, is not. I wanted to let you know that I will never again use a car seat in a shopping cart, and that your kindness touched my heart. I wanted to let you know that my baby stopped crying while he was nursing in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, and that he actually smiled at me. And that, because of you, I smiled back.
You have restored my belief in the goodness of my fellow human beings and especially of my fellow mamas. Thank you for lifting me up in one of the darkest moments of my life, and for caring so much for an utter stranger. I'm not sure I'll ever meet you again, but I know absolutely that I'll never forget you.
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Superwife (not verified) says ....
I'm so, so glad your baby was okay. I slipped and fell on the ice while carrying my 3mo-old in a bjorn, and because I was trying to protect her I tried to twist around and ended up breaking my leg! I can't imagine how I would have felt if she had been injured at all- I'd take the broken leg over hurting my baby any day!!
Thank you for sharing. It's nice to read that there are wonderful people in the world, just when you need them.
Liz J (not verified) says ....
Wow...
So glad people like this exist; thank god for the stranger who helped you.
So sorry you had to go through such hard experience.
I'm glad you and your baby are fine now.
Sometimes god sends angels to help us...
Liz J (not verified) says ....
Wow...
So glad people like this exist; thank god for the stranger who helped you.
So sorry you had to go through such hard experience.
I'm glad you and your baby are fine now.
Sometimes god sends angels to help us...
salena (not verified) says ....
what an amazing story. I'm so glad that your baby is fine and that everything turned out great. What an angel that was sent to you that day. Thank you for sharing.
propertelevision says ....
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Rites for Girls (not verified) says ....
What a gift that your stranger was there and what a gift that you were able to write so beautifully about it. Thank you for touching my heart.
Masanori (not verified) says ....
Lesbian parenting is a difcifult task there are lots of resources out there to help you but that's because there are so many pitfalls to fall into. You really need to do a lot of homework before you embark on this major life journey.Actually getting pregnant is only a small step of the journey. Many people do get lucky using the DIY' method that ReneeHTx describes (although I would buy the syringe before getting the sperm! Sperm has a very short shelf life once it leaves the body). However it's a really tricky business!I would strongly advise you to first consult your doctor, gynecologist or someone at a family planning.planned parenthood centre. They can help you with things like working out when you're ovulating, etc.I would also recommend asking this man to have a sexual health check even though you're not actually having sex with him, you are still at full risk.Any the DIY method is in fact very unreliable, you may find you need the help of a fertility centre, who will (in the first instance) do a much more efficient job. They clean and isolate the sperm, and can inject it much closer to your egg, giving you a much better chance of conceiving.But, I must say, the urgency that you're hoping to do this is a little worrying. Getting pregnant takes time, and becoming a parent isn't something that can or should be rushed into! Take your time sit on this decision for a while. Ask yourself every question a hundred times am I ready for this? Is my relationship strong? Are we still in the honeymoon period? Can I trust this man? Am I financially secure enough yet to give my child the sort of life I'd like to? Do I have access to good support for gay parents? etc etcIf you're worried about either you, your partner or the donor being unwilling to wait for you to be sure, then it's not the right time/person. And finally, if you are certain that this is the right time, you're in the right place emotionally, physically, and financially you need to draw up a legal contract with the donor AND with your partner. With a lawyer. Gay parenting leaves all the parents and donors very vulnerable, and you absolutely MUST get all these things legally dealt with BEFORE you get pregnant. For example, what does not being in the child's life' mean to you? and what does it mean to him? Does he know that a verbal agreement to have no financial responsibility does not leave him in the clear? You could call on him for financial support at any time in the child's life unless you sort this out ahead of time. Similarly, he could file for custody (full custody if he wanted) at any point, unless you have these things dealt with by a lawyer. Without legal intervention, your partner has absolutely no rights over the baby in the event of your separation or your death. And the issues don't stop there!If you're thinking that a lawyer is too expensive, just google the cost of nappies!This all sounds very negative of course having a baby is a wonderful thing! And if you're ready and you go for it congratulations! I guess I'm just trying to cover all the issues that you absolutely need to think through *first*.Good luck!
Anonymous says ....
I read this letter on Monday, and on Wednesday had a slightly similar incident. I was carrying my sick child through the parking lot of his older brother's preschool and rolled my ankle and we tumbled to the asphalt. Falling was like slow motion, trying to do everything in my power to keep my toddler from getting injured, and the awful horrifying sight of watching his head hit the asphalt. I held him and we both cried as bystanders came to our aid. I was confused and bewildered that they seemed more concerned with me and then I noticed the blood pouring from my knee and felt the sudden wave of pain as I realized I was the one who had been injured. Thankfully my sweet boy is just fine. I have some battle wounds, though.
Vinicius (not verified) says ....
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Loretta (not verified) says ....
I have read this post three times and cried my way through it all three times. I feel as though I could have written a very similar story to a kind stranger who helped me in an emergency situation with my baby, a woman I will probably never see again and wouldn't know it if I did see her as I remember her words, her actions and not her face. The same terror, guilt, and love, the panic while waiting for the ambulance, the replaying of the accident. I too, will never forget how she rushed over to help, reassured, kept a pair of eyes on my other children, and was a source of calm and zero judgment. Accidents are simply that - accidents. It is with an open heart, not one that condemns or lectures, that we can help others.
Leslie @ The Bearded Iris (not verified) says ....
I am a sobbing mess after reading this. So glad Jude is ok and that a compassionate stranger was there for you. What a blessing she was. I hope she sees your post! It takes a lot of guts to write about moments like this, moments we ALL have (if we're honest). I am sickened by the commenters who are using your beautiful heart-wrenching post as a platform for giving their unsolicited parenting advice about car seats. How insensitive and rude!
Paola (not verified) says ....
All moms have suffered those horrible moments, but it does not mean we are bad mothers, we are just human beings doing our best. If it feels horrible its because we are good mothers and we worry. And yes, once I hear my baby crying after any bump or fall I know she'll be fine.
Sam Wilson (not verified) says ....
What do I think? To be human is to be loved and admired for having the ability and capacity to give compassion to a complete stranger. I have, and will continue to do so. ANYONE who doesn't give of their heart to another person, especially during these hard times when everyone (government) on the planet (wants?) us (all?) dead, will deserve what comes to them. I admire what the woman who saved a child did, because she cared about another soul. Now, who among us is badass enough to even think about rising up and showing us how to improve on that????? Can anyone anywhere do it better?
If you can, then we need more people just like you.
Babymomma (not verified) says ....
omg i know how you feel. i have had a few scary moment with my kids...i actually tripped going down my sidewalk to my car and all i could do was watch as my daughter inher carseat flipped over 3 times before she landed upside down...i cried so hard because i was supposed to be more careful and i let her down...i am so greatful i have both my kids and i dont know what i would ever do without either of them...
Todd (not verified) says ....
The last line of that should be 'Also, I want my Jeep back'
Mother of 1 and 1 on the way :) (not verified) says ....
"Scopes" why do you think this is fake? Babies die every year from parents not being informed that placing their child's infant carrier can lead to serious injury or even death. Just google "infant injured after falling off shopping cart" you will see a lot of similar stories. Or just go to this link:
http://www.bing.com/search?q=infant+injured+after+falling+off+shopping+c...
I'm thankful that the child wasn't injured or killed. I'm lucky my own child never fell when I had his carrier on top of the cart. And it is true that 'clicking' the carrier onto the cart can damage the locking mechanism causing it to not secure correctly to the base in the vehicle. If it is damaged the infant carrier can come loose and be ejected from the base and possibly even the vehicle (depending on the severity of the crash). Why put your kids in greater danger? Wear the baby in a carrier/wrap or even just carry the baby in the store and avoid the temptation to do it altogether. There are plenty of wraps/carriers on the market (mei tai, moby, etc) so you can find one that you like. I carry my 2yr old who is 30lbs in a mei tai and it works well for us.
TinkStJF says ....
A very moving retelling of the story, Kristin; I can only imagine the panic and anguish you felt. What a blessing to have had the right person come along at such a moment.
Sad to see others feeling the need to judge and reprimand.
simba_spod says ....
It just goes to show you that despite trying our best as parents, we can never prevent harm from coming to our children. I too, had an unfortunate incident with my child in her car seat. Her older brother climbed over the edge of the stroller/car seat to check her out and flipped the car seat out of the stroller, breaking the clips that were designed to hold the infant car seat (but clearly not also a curious toddler). My daughter was fine but it taught me that even though I made sure she was safe and secure, accidents happen.
FYI for those who are saying that it says in manuals that the car seats aren't designed to go in shopping carts. I checked my Graco manual and my manual does not state anything about shopping carts and car seats. It say not to place it onto tables or counters but nothing about shopping carts. The manufacturers of shopping carts and the stores that have them, may wish to present this information more clearly (just like escalators have signs about strollers). Some shops do have a special shopping cart with a baby reclining seat for infants and perhaps more should be readily available for parents with young babies.
KarenP4 (not verified) says ....
Thank your for sharing your story. I am bawling my eyes out reading this, but appreciate the eye-opener. My baby is 7 months old now, and I have frequently put his car seat in grocery carts. I did not realize the potential danger! We are fortunate to have never had an incident, and i'm relieved that your baby is ok! Your story has made me think twice about ever using his car seat outside of the car, and you are helping other parents avoid making the same mistakes. Thank you again for your bravery in sharing your touching story.
Mom of two (not verified) says ....
Seriously 'mypbandj' that is your initial comment to this heart wrenching story? Maybe you could have started with your second paragraph or worded it a bit gentler in this situation.
Kristin, I am sorry you had to go through this experience and I am soooo very thankful your baby is ok. Try asking the Safeway staff, maybe they have the customer's name. All the best as your baby grows.
mypbandj says ....
Its not about judging people for not knowing - it's learning from others mistakes. Educating people. Car seats do NOT go on top of grocery carts and this story is the prime example. Once second you're happily kissing your baby and the next second, the baby is laying face down on the ground. Babies DIE from falling out of grocery carts. And when car seats are used properly, tragedies like that are 100% preventable.
The FACT is this - most people THINK that it is OK to put a car seat on top of a grocery cart. So they do it. Why wouldn't they??? Because NOBODY every TOLD them that they shouldn't.
And it is my hope, that other people will read this and realize proper car seat use. So this doesn't have to happen to any other babies.
When you know better, you do better.
Guest_211755 says ....
The fact IS that we all make mistakes. Some people may THINK they don't make mistakes, but they are wrong. It takes ONE bad decision sometimes for an accident or ONE wrong choice in words to emotionally hurt someone. Either one can alter another persons destiny. We need to give ourselves and OTHERS grace when these mistakes happen, not judgements. A good person can admit when they are wrong and good people try to have empathy for others.
The fact is that car seats can improperly "click" and fall out of strollers too & create a similar scary situation. Being a dedicated Mother often means a lack of sleep - unless you let them "cry it out" like the manual readers do. A lack of sleep can impair judgement & mistakes can happen, but babies are not like brittle glass, they often survive our mistakes & are not damaged permanently later. Bad choices in words however can make permanent scars, far worse than falling out of a grocery cart.
mypbandj says ....
This is exactly why infant seats are not supposed to be placed on top of shopping carts. I know they "click" in and I know most people assume that they are DESIGNED to be used in shopping carts....but the are NOT! Read your manual. It will say specifically: do not place car seat on top of a shopping cart.
I think this story is very touching and lovely - however I hope that it can reach at least one person out there and inform them that car seats on top of shopping carts is a recipe for disaster.
Sheri3 says ....
And huge applause for the woman who came to you side, and supported you. Wish there were more people like you...
Sheri3 says ....
Wish I had been warned I would need kleenex... I am so sorry this happened, that you all went through something so tramatic and terrifying. I am so thankful there was someone with a wonderful, loving, kind heart to help you. I do not know you but I sit here crying for what you must have felt - and I am probably not even close. I always put the carseat on the cart, my kids are now 14,12 and 3, clearly I was lucky this didn't happen. I hope that you are okay and have been able to let it go/forgive yourself for a mistake you didn't know would happen. Remember the moment before when you were touching noses... Take care.
pylorii (not verified) says ....
Glad baby is ok but very saddened to hear people are still balancing car seats atop of grocery carts. Car seats are designed to save your child in the event of a car crash but can prove fatal in the event of a fall form a height. please please please everyone learn from this and stop balancing car seats on grocery carts, table tops or anything else. Take the time to read your manual and follow the warnings very carefully.
scopes (not verified) says ....
rather fake, i would have to say.
Anonymus (not verified) says ....
There are some good people in this world and I wish that everyone would follow this strangers example, our world would be a much better place. I'm thankful your baby is okay.
A dad (not verified) says ....
I think the Car seat she was referring to are those crappy ones they have on some carts for infants. This letter is Beautifully written im glad their are still good people in this world
The Wife says ....
One other thing to consider is that you should probably replace your carseat. Any time a carseat is involved in a collision of any sort (in or out of the car), there is a risk that it is damaged. And there is really no way to verify that it's not. Yet another reason to leave the carseats where they're meant to go (in the car) -- you only have to worry about automobile collisions, and very low-speed (if the airbags don't go off) will likely not risk the seat itself. But a fall from 5 feet to the ground can damage the stability of the plastic, depending on the angle of impact and the state of the seat prior to the fall. So, yes, please replace ANY carseat that has likely sustained a significant impact.
Barbie64 (not verified) says ....
This was beautifully written and I am sure it will help prevent the injury of another baby. My boys are both grown men now but I remember my youngest (who is 21) being strapped in a car seat. My husband put him on the counter to grab his baby bag and down he went to the floor. I know exactly how you feel. The screaming from both the baby and us, the parents. The feeling of being a rotten parent for being so stupid as to put him on the counter even for 5 seconds. Even when we knew he was going to be OK it took a while to get back that sense of peace. You are not alone and you will help others decide not to put the baby in the car seat in the shopping cart.
Justice Montgomery (not verified) says ....
I was not expecting to be a bawling mess. I always wear my babies, we never use carseats outside of the car and this just further sets it into my mind that I am doing the right thing by doing that. It also makes my heart happy that there is strangers out there that will help a mom out like this, rather than the ones that keep walking and mind their business.
saranndur says ....
I had something very similar happen to me in a grocery store parking lot. I was carrying my daughter in her car seat and the heal of my shoe got caught on the cuff of my other pant. It was almost like my legs were suddenly tied together and I felt myself begin to fall. There was nothing I could do to stop it as I crashed to the ground. My daughter's car seat literally flipped and bounced across the pavement. Just like you, another mom came to my rescue. I ran to retrieve my daughter and get her into the warmth of the store (it was December and snowing). She found the shoe that had fallen off my foot, brought it to me, calmly chatted with me to make sure we were OK and waited until I was able to be calm enough to call for help. Thankfully my hubby is a paramedic and was on duty that day. He checked her over (and me - since I took a tumble too) and we were both fine. That mom's actions also meant the world to me. :)
Atlanticcarseat... says ....
Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story here. I am so glad your child was okay and that you had such wonderful support in your worst moment.
We have shared your story with nearly 900 readers on the east coast. You are helping to educate other parents so they don't risk this happening to their infant - you may even save a life. Thank you.
Erikka (not verified) says ....
Thanks so much for sharing this. I'm sure it wasn't easy to write or even think about but you did a big thing for a lot of babies out there. I'm pregnant with my first and I see woman (moms, grandmas, aunts, and so on) putting carseats on the grocery cart, something I never thought twice about, until right this moment. I'm so incredibly thankful that your sweet baby Jude is fine and that the woman who helped you was in that exact place at that exact moment. It's truly amazing to see the acts of kindness that still remain within mankind. You are a wonderful mama and you deserve to know that. Thanks again for sharing. You certainly opened my eyes, and I will be sharing your story on my blogs so other mamas can, hopefully, be enlightened also.
Jason Fonceca (not verified) says ....
Absolutely beautiful, movingly expressed, and I get it, I've been there in a dark place, and I've been touched by angels many times in my life, myself :)
Jason Fonceca (not verified) says ....
Absolutely beautiful, movingly expressed, and I get it, I've been there in a dark place, and I've been touched by angels many times in my life, myself :)
Dawn (not verified) says ....
My goodness...I cried reading that post. Incredible So glad your baby is OK.
Thank God there ARE still good people in the world.
Cathy (Edmonton) (not verified) says ....
You have demonstrated great love and courage to post this story. Parents, and especially mothers everywhere join with you to thank this good samaritan who helped you when you needed it most. Not just anyone can respond the way this kind person did in a crisis situation (I know I could not), so you truly are fortunate to have had her with you.
It is fitting that the name Jude means "praise and thanks".
Tannis Ross (not verified) says ....
Wow! Glad your baby is ok, and faith in humanity can be restored. Thanks for sharing.
Astra (not verified) says ....
There is goodness all around :)
abaigaelsmum says ....
Glad to hear that Jude is okay. Glad your stranger was there when you needed her most.
Mom (not verified) says ....
I am relieved that this baby is ok. I have one child, and cannot imagine how I would possibly react if something like this happened to her, and am grateful that someone was around who was willing to get involved and help! If you want the truth, it is simply not safe to place car seats in shopping carts unless they are in the large bucket area that some carts still have. When my daughter was born I researched a safe way to secure car seats to a cart and found that no such way exists. The way to protect your infant who cannot sit is to wear them while you are shopping. I did it all the time before my girl got big enough to sit, and found that it was just one less thing to worry about.
mon (not verified) says ....
I am happy to read that the baby is okay and that you are doing okay. I cannot even imagine what you went through inside. The anguish and the guilt must have been awful, but do know that you are a great mother no matter what happens! You never intended for this to happen. For anyone who still need to use their carseat while shopping, just put it inside the buggy. Not the top part. or wear your baby... I wear him all the time even though he is over 20lbs. It feels safer.
Andrea Nair (not verified) says ....
I'm not fighting tears... they're way out there.
Beautifully written.
Macarena (not verified) says ....
So glad you and your baby are OK, and I'm fighting the tears (I'm at work) while I read your post. What a wonderful woman, let's hope she does get to read this.
Tracy Chappell says ....
So happy to hear that Jude is fine and that exactly the right person was there when you needed her. I'd almost want to stake out the grocery store to find her again! We've all had these moments in parenting when our heart stops and we doubt ourselves and our abilities. Thank you for sharing.
Darleen (not verified) says ....
Oh yes this is wonderful how a complete stranger helped her, and so glad all was ok. And crying yes...
BabyK (not verified) says ....
So glad you and baby are ok. This world is full of good! You are a great mom and thanks for reminding us the good in this world.
Nikki (not verified) says ....
That story brought me to tears, as a mom of 2 boys a newborn and a three year old and when he was only a week old we had the bassinet on the bed and our weimaraner jumped over it and managed to hit him in the face with her back paw, the amount of blood was unreal i was an absolute nervous wreck , we got him to the ER so quickly i was still in my pjs I couldnt stop crying when the doctors washed his face aall it was a tiny little cut ( which has scarred on his nose , a constant reminder to me) the amount of guilt and failure i had felt took over and I remember the doctor reassuring me that it was an accident and that it had no effect on how I was as a mother, she sat down with me and we had a really good talk, it meant a great deal to me. Its the small acts of kindness that mean the most. I am so happy that you and your baby are okay!!!!!!! And that someone went out of their way to do something nice, there should be more people like that in the world.