If you are pregnant or thinking about getting pregnant, you might be wondering about the best time of year to have swollen feet, an extra 40 pounds of baby weight, morning sickness and a newborn! Well, wonder no more. We’ve figured it all out for you.
January/February Congratulations! You got to drink at holiday parties and probably wore some pretty cute outfits. You’re not going to be ginormous this winter, which means that you can keep the same winter coat and all of your winter clothes. And by the time your feet get really swollen, it will be flip-flop season! As an additional bonus, your baby will arrive in the fall—perfect strolling weather before it gets too cold.
But wait! You’re going to be super-pregnant all summer. Imagine carrying a 40-pound heated blanket in your shirt at all times. Actually, you won’t have to imagine it; you’ll get to live it. By the time you’ll want to get out with your new baby, it will be cold and grey and then you’ll be stuck inside all winter. Great news about the holiday parties, though! I hope they were super-fun because you’re unlikely to attend any this year.
March/April If you’re getting pregnant in March or April, you won't be super-preggo this summer (woo-hoo!), but you will have great cleavage and a cute little belly for summer halters and bikinis. Also, you might have a Christmas baby (and the perfect excuse to miss your boss’s annual holiday potluck)!
But wait! Once your baby is born, you’re not going to be able to leave your house because it will be winter. Even if you try to leave, getting your baby into weather-appropriate clothing will take so long that it will be time to feed or change your newborn again once you’re done. Also, most kids I know hate having birthdays the same week as Christmas, so fingers crossed that doesn’t happen.
May/June Phew, you won’t be carrying an overheated basketball all summer but rather a sweet little kumquat. Also, by the time you’re ready to leave the house with your newborn, the coldest months of winter will be on their way out. You must be feeling pretty smug right about now.
But wait! You’ll be in your first trimester all through patio season. Get used to making up excuses for why you’re not drinking at every barbecue, music festival and outdoor party. No worries, the smell of everything good will probably make you nauseous anyway, so you might not even wind up attending a lot of that stuff. Also, you’ll probably want to stay off moving boats—trust me on this one.
July/August If you get pregnant in July or August, you’ll have a baby when the buds are blooming, spring is in the air and everything feels fresh, amazing and beautiful. I had two of my three kids in early spring and it’s amazing!
But wait! You will be forced to make up excuses for why you aren’t drinking for much of the summer. Also, you’ll definitely need a new winter coat—or an extension on your winter coat, or a new winter coat with an extension. Maybe new boots, too, for when your feet get really swollen.
September/October You got to enjoy some summer fun and drinks on the patio. The fact that you’re getting pregnant now seems pretty perfect as your little baby will be at her most portable next summer.
But wait! You’ll need a new winter coat, but you won’t be able to justify buying one for the last remaining month of winter when you can no longer do up your zipper. Instead, you’ll try a combination of sweaters, fleeces and your partner’s old windbreaker, but you’ll never be comfortable or warm. Also, it won’t be a great fashion statement, but no one will tell you that.
November/December If you get pregnant in November or December, you might feel sad that you’re going to miss out on drinking at all the holiday parties (not to mention snacking on smoked fish, cold cuts, sushi and soft cheeses). Also, you’ll be exhausted and not really in the mood to go to any parties that involve staying up past nine o’clock.
But wait! Late-summer babies are amazing! The weather will be perfect for walks and quiet naps in shady parks (naps for the baby, just to be clear). Speaking of shade, your baby will obviously be too young for sunscreen, so you’ll have to make sure to stay out of the sun at all times.
Congratulations! You couldn’t have had your baby at a more perfect time (because, really, there is no perfect time).