Photo: @ChrissyTeigen via Instagram
In a heartbreakingly beautiful and insightful essay, Chrissy Teigen has opened up about her pregnancy loss last month when she and husband John Legend said goodbye to their third child, a son they'd named Jack. The grieving star, who is mom to daughter Luna and son Miles, poured her heart out in her typically candid style, sharing the whirlwind of thoughts and feelings that belie such a deeply painful experience.
We really don't want to say much because Chrissy did so perfectly in her Medium essay. Please go read it for yourself. In it, she talks about what it felt like to give birth to her 20-week-old son after a partial placenta abruption and weeks on bedrest, why she documented the intensely sad moment and shared photos of Jack's delivery with the world (despite facing a disgusting amount of backlash for doing so) and what her life has been like since. The essay describes the guilt that haunts her when she's happy, and how she feels about making both her joy and grief so public. "I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will."
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We are shocked and in the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the kind of pain we’ve never felt before. We were never able to stop the bleeding and give our baby the fluids he needed, despite bags and bags of blood transfusions. It just wasn’t enough. . . We never decide on our babies’ names until the last possible moment after they’re born, just before we leave the hospital. But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack. So he will always be Jack to us. Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever. . . To our Jack - I’m so sorry that the first few moments of your life were met with so many complications, that we couldn’t give you the home you needed to survive. We will always love you. . . Thank you to everyone who has been sending us positive energy, thoughts and prayers. We feel all of your love and truly appreciate you. . . We are so grateful for the life we have, for our wonderful babies Luna and Miles, for all the amazing things we’ve been able to experience. But everyday can’t be full of sunshine. On this darkest of days, we will grieve, we will cry our eyes out. But we will hug and love each other harder and get through it.
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But the essay isn't all gloom. Chrissy also expresses how incredibly hopeful and grateful she is for the outpouring of love she's received from fans that has helped her to process the experience.
"I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so. Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky."
Pregnancy loss can be such a lonely and isolating experience, so it's particularly meaningful that Chrissy was able to share her experience publicly and help so many parents feel less alone.