When your child is a bully
How to handle accusations and the behaviour involved in bullying.
Robyn Snider was at work when she got the call from her son’s school: Josh, an outgoing fifth grader, had been suspended for bullying. Snider was shocked. Just a few years back, when he was suffering health problems, Josh had been bullied himself. So how had this happened? And what should she do?
As much as we hope our kids won’t become targets of bullies, the reverse is also true — no parent wants the B-word slapped on their little angel. Yet since you don’t see your child interacting all day at school, you just may find yourself in Snider’s position. In case you are, here’s how to handle yourself — and your child’s bullying behaviour.
Take cues
Even if you haven’t received that dreaded phone call, there may be signs you can recognize at home. Always keep your eyes and ears open for any unusually aggressive behaviour, says Chris Hinkle, founder of Firm Foundations, a Barrie, Ont., organization specializing in the prevention of bullying and workplace violence. The sooner you catch what’s going on, she says, the sooner you can put a stop to it.
Watch for red flags like heavy-handed superiority, intolerance of differences and a consistent lack of empathy. For example, is your son bossing around his sister more than usual or picking on her incessantly (nicknaming her Shrimp, laughing when she trips) — especially when you’re not around? You should also be concerned if your child starts coming home with extra money or new objects you’ve never seen before, adds Alexandra Penn of Champions Against Bullying in Toronto, who recently co-authored the interactive CD The No-Nonsense Guide to Kids’ Bullying Solutions. “Right away,” she says, “you should ask where he got that stuff.”
Chances are you won’t know that your child is bullying until someone tells you, and it may not be the principal. Say you’re strolling across the school parking lot with your kid when out of nowhere, a mom is accusing your daughter of bullying hers. Your first instinct may be to start arguing. But do it and you just may spawn a family war.
Your response may differ depending on who’s confronting you. If it’s a teacher or counsellor, get details. “Ask for a log of what transpired,” says Joanne Kates, director of Camp Arowhon in Ontario’s Algonquin Park. Also ask what the institution did to investigate. Did they question the kids? Gather witnesses? Give warnings? If not, Kates says, ask them to explore and report back to you tomorrow. “You can live the 24 hours it will take for them to piece together the picture.”
For her part, Snider was satisfied that the school had the story straight. “Apparently, in front of all the kids, Josh called a girl an unflattering name,” Snider says. “That sparked a shoving match that ended with the girl complaining of a sore arm.” Step by step, the school investigated. “They talked to groups of boys and girls, then to Josh and the girl separately, then together. They explained that name-calling was bullying. They didn’t involve me until they had all the facts.”
But what if you’ve got a furious parent in your face? Take the opposite tack, experts advise. While it’s quite natural to feel defensive, Penn says, “the last thing you want is to get into ‘he said/she said,’ especially in front of the kids.”
Of course, as parents, we want to protect our kids; we’d also like to believe that in raising them, we’re doing a stellar job. But defensiveness will only send your child the wrong message. By immediately siding with her, you’re implying that whatever is going on, it’s OK with you. While your child’s conduct is not necessarily a reflection of your parenting, most kids do learn their meanest tactics close to home — from older siblings, the four hours of TV they watch daily, or maybe even from you. It makes sense: If you see nothing wrong with picking a fight, neither will your child. So instead keep calm, respectfully listen to the accusation and respond with care. Assure the other parent you’ll talk again — once you’ve had a chance to investigate. Then start sleuthing.
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What do you think?
Zevvy says ....
Bully Patrol. What if there was a such a thing as a Bully Patrol at school? I would definitely volunteer for that position. Sometimes it takes the expertise of an adult to see the subtleties of bullying. I was walking with my kids through the school yard and I over heard the kid in front of me bullying another boy walking in front of him. I immediately got his attention and said to him "knock it off". He was shocked and so were his friends. I stared at him until he looked away, he knew right away I was serious. I keep my eye on him all the time and he knows it, so does the kids he was bullying. Having bullies monitored at school is an idea that could work. Think about it.
Sincerely,
Denise J
Barrie Ontario