How To Discipline A Toddler? 14 Tactics That Actually Work
Disciplining toddlers can be tough, but if you're frustrated with your kid's antics, here are some tricks that actually work.
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Many parents know that toddlerhood can be a period of great frustration—for both parties. As these little humans begin to test their boundaries, parents are often at a loss for how to manage their behaviour.
“Parents need to understand that children are built to explore and experiment. And some of that behaviour parents may call misbehaviour,” says Linda Gilbert, manager of training, youth and family development at the YMCA of Greater Toronto.
She adds that while toddlers are trying to gain more independence, they often don’t have the skills yet, so they get frustrated. Gilbert recommends focusing on managing behaviour, not implementing punishments.
The Canadian Paediatric Society (CPS) echoes this approach, emphasizing that discipline should guide and teach, not punish. They note that toddlers behave best when adults respond with consistency, warmth and clear boundaries. Physical punishment or shaming should never be used; instead, parents should focus on connection, understanding the cause of the behaviour, and offering simple, developmentally appropriate guidance
So how, exactly, can you guide your toddler’s behaviour? You'll likely have to experiment with your techniques, depending on their age, temperament and your values. Our experts share their favourite tactics:
Prevent
“Always think ahead: ‘How can I make this a successful day?’” says Gilbert. This means setting up the environment to promote good behaviour. If your child is really into dressing themself, make sure you have lots of pants with elastic waists and shirts that are easy to put on to cut down on frustration. And allow extra time to get dressed in the morning.
When it comes to playdates, plan ahead to minimize conflict. Connie Delorey-McGowan, who is the executive director and owner of Cobequid Children’s Centre in Lower Sackville, NS, suggests making sure there are enough toys to share (duplicates if necessary) and a variety of activities to prevent boredom.
A child who’s hungry, thirsty, tired or rushed is more likely to misbehave, so forgoing a snack or planning a playdate during nap time is a surefire ride on the Meltdown Express.
Offer options
Because toddlers are experimenting with independence, it’s important to give them safe, reasonable chances to assert it: “Do you want your juice in the red cup or the green cup?” “Do you want to go to the park in your wagon or the stroller?” Adds Delorey-McGowan, “Toddlers want to make choices. If you say no, they want it even more.”
The CPS also recommends using simple “I” statements to guide choices, such as “I need you to pick a cup so we can pour your juice.” Clear, brief directions help toddlers understand what’s expected while still feeling capable.
Supervise
It may not seem like a discipline tool, but you can’t help your child learn appropriate behaviour if you aren’t there to coach them. This doesn’t mean stepping in to solve every problem, but rather guiding them on how to behave: “I know you want to go down the slide, but Ruby is in front of you. She will go, and then you can go.” And the more you watch, the more you’ll be able to tell what situations set them off and how you can help.
Set expectations and consequences
Children can’t follow the rules if they don’t know what they are. Make sure instructions and rules are clear and simple, says Gail Szautner, chairperson of the Saskatchewan Early Childhood Association and executive director of Children’s Choice Child Development Programs in Prince Albert, Sask. “Establish eye contact and check that she’s nodding when you talk to her.”
Marshall adds that directions that use “I” appeal to toddlers who want to please: “I’m scared you will fall off the chair. Please sit down.”
And be clear about what will happen if rules are not followed: “We draw on paper. If the crayons go on the table again, I will put them away so we can take a break. I know drawing is fun. Let’s try again together.”
Show and tell
Toddlers are very visual, says Szautner, and while words are important, so is modelling the behaviour you want. Consider turn-taking, for example. You could try saying: “It’s your turn to put the penny in the piggy bank, now it’s my turn, now it’s your turn.” The CPS recommends keeping explanations brief, since toddlers learn far more from simple demonstrations than long explanations.
Praise
As egocentric as toddlers are, they still want to please you. Complimenting your child when they come to the table the first time you ask not only shows what good behaviour is, it also reinforces your bond. “Children need lots of attention; that’s our job as parents. Be careful to give attention to appropriate behaviour,” says Szautner.
Redirect
“If you see a tantrum building, distract them with something they like to do,” suggests Szautner. If your two-and-a-half-year-old is frustrated that her older sister won’t share her new doll, say, “Let’s play with your stickers at the kitchen table.” And at this age, kids love to help; ask them to help you put the condiments on the table or put the clean towels away.
Redirection can also “unstick” your toddler from a no-no she can’t get off her mind. If she’s drawn like a magnet to Grandma’s stereo system, get her involved in a completely new activity.
Along with redirection, naming a child’s feelings may be helpful: “It looks like you’re really angry that Max took your car. Do you want to go to the couch with me and calm down?”
Connect before you correct
Before you jump into setting limits or redirecting behaviour, take a moment to connect with your toddler. The CPS emphasizes that a warm, trusting relationship is the foundation of positive discipline. Getting down to their eye level, offering a gentle touch, or simply acknowledging their feelings (“I can see you’re really frustrated”) helps your child feel safe and understood.
Once that connection is made, they’re far more able to hear you, follow directions and shift gears. This “connect, then redirect” approach prevents power struggles and teaches toddlers to manage strong emotions with your support—not fear or shame.
Remove
If coaching and redirection don’t work and your child becomes too overwhelmed, you can gently remove them from the situation to help them reset—but stay with them to offer comfort and support.
The CPS recommends using a “time-in” approach rather than a traditional time-out. A time-in means staying with your child in a calm, distraction-free spot and helping them settle while you acknowledge their feelings. CPS also notes that time-outs should not be used for children under age three.
Don't tell them, “Think about what you did”
Though it seems to make sense to talk to a child after an incident of misbehaviour, that’s pointless with toddlers, says Szautner. “As far as they are concerned, it’s done. Bringing it up again won’t accomplish anything. They are not developmentally there yet.”
Don't tell them to say sorry
You can't make a child feel remorse. And this method sends the message that hitting, for example, is okay as long as they apologize afterward.
Don't just say “no”
It’s more helpful to tell—and show—children what to do rather than what not to do. Instead of “No yelling,” try “Please use a quiet voice”—and say it quietly. Of course, there are situations where a firm no (coupled with swift action) is called for, when your child reaches for your mug of hot coffee or walks toward the road. But save no for when you really need it.
Don't just let them have their way
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, toddlers throw a tantrum or just refuse to be swayed. Be sympathetic, but don’t cave in. Your child needs to see that you mean what you say and are strong enough to stand firm, even in the face of toddler fury.
Keep your expectations developmentally appropriate
Toddlers are still learning emotional regulation, communication and impulse control: skills that develop slowly over time. The CPS stresses the importance of tailoring discipline to what young children can realistically do at their age.
For example, sharing is extremely difficult for most toddlers, and expecting them to sit still for long periods or follow multi-step instructions may set everyone up for frustration. Instead, offer simple, age-appropriate guidance (“One turn for you, one turn for me”) and break tasks into small steps. When you match your expectations to your child’s developmental stage, you reduce conflict, boost confidence and set them up for success.
This article was originally published in October 2008.
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