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The frustration equation

Why a tiny bit of frustration is important for your toddler

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Originally published in Today's Parent September 2011

Your toddler is trying to put on his rubber boots. He can’t manage it sitting down. When he stands up, the boots won’t stay upright while he aims his wiggly feet into them. His brow is furrowed, his expression tense. You know it has to be frustrating — and no one wants a child to feel the angry helplessness of not quite being able to do something. No one wants to deal with the outcome — the red face, the tears. The tantrum.

A very young child’s life is frustrating. It’s full of things he isn’t able, or isn’t allowed, to do. Naturally a caring parent wants to jump in and make it all right. And there is absolutely nothing to be gained by letting a toddler become overwhelmed by the difficulty of his situation.

But frustration has an important role: Sometimes it pushes us to learn new things. Think of a baby, learning constantly. “What frustrates babies one week they will have mastered two weeks later,” says Jan Blaxall, a professor of early childhood education at Fanshawe College in London, Ont. “That little period of frustration is very hard for them, but parents need to have faith that every frustration is also a new skill developing. In reality, they wouldn’t be moving ahead if they weren’t getting frustrated. New things are always hard.”

We certainly don’t want to let a baby become overwhelmed by frustration. Early on, the goal is to meet — even anticipate — a baby’s every need. Blaxall explains, “You are building trust. The baby has to trust that you can meet most of his needs most of the time.” Then the baby becomes an adventurous toddler. He has his own sense of self and he wants to make his own decisions. That’s when parents need to (sometimes) give the child space and time to work it out himself — and the opportunity to accept help if he wants it.  

For that toddler struggling with his boots, the simplest thing might be to put them on for him. But sometimes we step in too quickly.

Kim Pawluck, manager at Mothercraft Eaton Centre in Toronto, says, “Often parents want to ‘save’ the child because they see the frustration and — especially if the child is starting to have tantrums — they want to avoid the kicking and screaming. But there is value in allowing a certain level of frustration. You want children to learn some persistence.”

“On the other hand, allowing a child to become overwhelmed all the time will set him back,” explains Pawluck. “It will foster a feeling of incompetence, and you don’t want him to stop trying. You want balance.”

Finding that balance — the line between stepping in too fast and standing by while a child collapses in an angry heap — takes practice. But the benefits last a lifetime. Blaxall says, “In every situation you’re working with the child, but you’re not necessarily doing it for her. These are teachable moments because there are frustrations throughout life.”

Setting the stage

You can’t eliminate frustration, but you can create an accepting, respectful atmosphere so your toddler can learn how to cope with life’s inevitable ups and downs. Here’s how:

Acknowledge who your child is. You know whether you have the kind of toddler who can stand at the coffee table and work away on a puzzle for ages — or the kind who dissolves when the first piece doesn’t click into place. That knowledge will help you decide when to step in.

Allow some independence. A toddler is eager to do things on her own (hard as it may be to watch). Provide opportunities for her to play and explore safely. Choose toys designed for her age so she will have success.

Share the floor. Getting down at your toddler’s level will give you a close-up perspective on how he manages frustration. Kim Pawluck, manager of Mothercraft Eaton Centre in Toronto, says, “You don’t have to save him, but you can follow his cues, label his emotions and give positive encouragement: ‘You can do this. Keep trying.’”

Teach calming measures. Even a very little child can learn what she needs to calm down in frustrating moments, says Blaxall. It might be a cuddle, a story, music or a game of hands-and-knees chase with Dad. “You can teach the child that this is what helps when she’s upset. That’s a skill she will have forever. Children can learn this so young.”

Be an example. If you let yourself get frustrated at your child’s frustration, the situation escalates. Blaxall says, “Research shows that children learn how to regulate their emotions by watching their parents.”

Coming up: More ways you can help your child

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