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Dependence and independence

Your little one can't wait to get going, but she still needs you to help steady her steps

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Originally published in Today's Parent September 2004

For Melissa Howe, adjusting to the total dependence of a newborn baby was pretty overwhelming at times. She recalls: “I remember sitting on the toilet and breastfeeding Matthew and realizing that he had completely infringed on my personal space and boundaries. With a baby, there are no boundaries.”

But at least that was consistent. Now that Matthew is a toddler, she’s had to make another adjustment: “It’s a time of fluctuation - sometimes he’s as dependent as an infant, sometimes he’s determined to be independent. And it can be incredibly frustrating for both of us.”

Take something simple like opening the door. Matthew can just barely reach the doorknob and can’t quite turn it. But he’s determined to try. And try. And try. Fifteen minutes go by, the tears are starting to appear, and Matthew and Mom are still both on the wrong side of the door.

“I’ll tell him, ‘You seem to be getting frustrated. Would you like me to help?’” says Howe. “He starts to cry, but he nods, so I open the door and walk through. And then he collapses on the floor all upset because I went through the door ahead of him. He wanted to be first!”

That’s one day. The next day Howe might serve Matthew finger foods for lunch on his high-chair tray, thinking she can eat her own meal while it’s still hot. Nope. Today, Matthew’s gone all helpless and wants to be fed. She tries to coax him into serving himself, but he’s already tired and hungry and the only way to head off the approaching meltdown is to pick up the spoon and feed him.

Early childhood educator Candice Clarke laughs when she hears about Matthew’s quick-change personality. “This is so normal, it just screams normalness. In fact, I would be worried about a toddler who wasn’t behaving this way.”

Clarke explains that toddlers are at an age when they are increasingly aware of what the older children and adults around them are capable of, and their natural drive to learn pushes them to give those things a try for themselves. “Often, though, their bodies haven’t caught up with their brains, so while they want to do it, they can’t,” she says.

Then the pendulum swings back, and the toddler’s need for comfort and nurturing comes to the surface. “It’s knowing that you, the parent, are available to help when needed that makes the hard work towards independence possible,” according to Clarke.

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