Toddler

"You mean he's still waking up at night?!" You cringe at the question. It seems that yours is the only two-year-old in the world who doesn't sleep ten hours in a row. But don't believe it.

One of the best-kept secrets of parenthood is this: lots of toddlers wake up at night. And lots of parents are tired. But what's worse, many also feel embarrassed or even guilty about their midnight encounters.

Some sleep experts are quick to blame childhood sleep problems on parental mismanagement. But Dr. David Haslam (bless his heart) points to research which shows that some babies sleep for shorter periods and are more difficult to settle right from birth. You probably didn't teach your baby to wake up.

Now let's put the problem in context.

If your child wants a three a.m. cuddle, and your energy level is OK, odds are you're not too concerned about the situation. Beth Davis, for example, says, "It doesn't affect my sleep needs that much. It's just something that I do; it comes with having children." After all, toddlers are not very independent during the day. It's not surprising, then, that they want us when they wake at night.

Laura Clemes, on the other hand, went through a harrowing few months with her toddler, Christopher, when "he didn't just wake up – he was ready to party. I'd be up with him for at least an hour several times a night. I really need my sleep and it was driving me close to insane." At two, Christopher still wakes up frequently – but he usually settles back down quickly when he's tucked in. Now, says Laura, "It's more of an annoyance than a big deal."

Night waking becomes a major problem when it interferes with a parent's ability to function well. Exhausted people are not very resilient, or even pleasant to live with. But what can you do?

First of all, it's important to take care of yourselves. Share the load in whatever way works for your family. Laura found things were better when her husband took over most night duty: "He seems to need less sleep than me." In other families, mom gets up but gets weekend sleep-ins. Kim Dolan says, "I gave myself permission to take a morning off sometimes. I figured I worked hard during the night!" Talking to other parents gives you support and maybe new strategies; odds are someone you know is sleep-deprived too.

Now for your child.

The most common advice is to "Let him cry it out." Many doctors still advocate this as the way to “retrain” a night waker. A modified version (sometimes referred to as “Ferberizing,” after Dr. Richard Ferber, a leading proponent) requires going in to your crying child at specified intervals, to reassure him that he's fine, that you love him dearly, but that it's time for sleeping right now. The theory goes that over a few nights the child's crying periods will get progressively shorter, as he learns that there's no “payoff” to waking up.

It's not as easy as it sounds. Laura and her husband tried it, and Christopher's sleep patterns did become a little more civilized. But, recalls Laura, "It was really hard for me. I kept wondering if maybe he really needed my attention, and here I was refusing to help him." Even if you're convinced it's for everyone's good, listening to your child cry in the dark is emotionally harrowing for most parents. You'll need a lot of support – from your spouse, from your friends the next day, maybe from a good how-to book you can re-read at three a.m.

Another deterrent to the “crying” method is that already-tired parents may not be able to face a week of even more terrible sleep. Says Helen Wills, “You just do whatever gets you back to sleep fastest, even if it's not a long-term solution.” Active or older toddlers may complicate the situation further with a Houdini-like ability to climb (or fall) out of their cribs -– with potentially dangerous consequences.

Other parents just don't feel right about leaving their child to cry alone. "They may stop crying," says Melisande Neal, "but it teaches them not to trust you anymore."

Melisande and her husband eventually brought their wakeful two- year-old into bed with them – and became sold on the family bed. "I was just a basket case, I was so tired. But once he was in with us, instead of becoming wide awake, he'd snuggle right back to sleep. We all got so much more rest." Dr. Haslam reports in his book, Sleepless Children, "I received more letters quoting bed-sharing as a success story than any other solution." Some parents, though, get even less sleep when a squirmy toddler shares their bed. They may find that a small mattress on the floor of their bedroom, or having the toddler share a double bed with an older sibling, can provide the same nighttime reassurance. It all depends on your own – and your baby's – sleep styles.

Finally, you may want to consider a gradual behavioural change program. The goal is to change your child's falling-asleep behaviour one easy step at a time, until she is able to go to back to sleep by herself when she wakes up. For example, if you usually rock her to sleep, you might start with replacing the rocker with a plain chair. Towards the end of the program, you might stand in the doorway talking softly to her. Eventually, you may be able to just call reassuringly from your bed.

Your own parenting style and energy level have an obvious influence over your approach to nightwaking. Your child’s temperament completes the equation. Clear, apparently inborn differences have been demonstrated in traits such as arousability, regularity, persistence, and sensitivity to stimuli. These traits affect how easily a baby falls asleep and stays asleep, and sometimes cluster into an overall temperament that’s been labelled “high need.”

The very traits that make high-need babies and toddlers poor sleepers -– high arousability and sensitivity, poor self-regulation, etc. –- also work against “training” them to sleep by letting them cry. The more they cry, the more aroused they tend to get, and the harder it is for them to relax into sleep.

Easy-going toddlers may adapt quickly and easily to sleep training programs. High-need toddlers don’t. There’s a clear difference between 20 minutes of fussing, and hours of frantic screaming. Observe your child, and try to find an approach to sleep that suits her temperament as well as your needs.

If some babies never sleep through, they do all grow up. "It's already a dim memory," says Kim Dolan. "They really aren't little for long." In the meantime, she advises, "Try to focus on what happens through the day, not at night." Whether your baby's waking is a minor disturbance or a major stress factor, it's only one aspect of his total self. He's still a wonderful kid.