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Positive alternatives to "No"!

Toddlers don't respond well to a barrage of no's. But what's the alternative?

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Originally published in Today's Parent October 2010

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No. How often do you suppose most toddlers hear this in a day? A week?

Is it any wonder they turn around and give it right back to us?

Let’s face it, toddlers need limits. Curious, impulsive, blissfully unaware of most dangers, they rely on us to keep them (mostly) out of trouble. “Consistent boundaries give a child a sense of safety and security,” says Chaya Kulkarni, vice-president of Parent and Professional Education for Invest in Kids. “But you don’t want to be always saying no.”

Why not? If a toddler’s penchant for imitation isn’t enough to persuade you, consider the tantrum angle. Frustration is probably the top toddler tantrum trigger, and toddlers already have a lot of frustration in their lives. Now imagine hearing no at every turn, feeling thwarted again and again with no alternative path. Some toddlers explode in protest. Others become generally discouraged. “They’re going to start thinking they can’t touch or do anything,” says Kulkarni. “I don’t think we want to turn off a child’s curiosity.”

Finally, no is not such a good teaching word. For a toddler, it conveys disapproval rather than a specific instruction, something along the lines of there is something you are doing right now that I don’t like and want you to stop, but you will have to guess which thing it is. “Because they are still learning to think and understand instructions, the more concrete you can be with them, the greater the likelihood for them to stop,” says Kulkarni.

So here are some positive alternatives to no. But first, a caveat: No is not a dirty word — there’s no need to go to crazy lengths to avoid it. We’re just talking about cutting back from a deluge to a sprinkle. As Elizabeth Matos, mom to 20-month-old Calder, says, “Sometimes it can’t be helped!”

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