Toddler

It's time to leave her friend Andrew's house, but 21-month-old Maddie is having such a good time she doesn't want to. "Come on, Maddie, it's time to go," says her mother. No response. Looking at her watch, she calls again, her voice a little higher, "Maddie, we have to pick up your sister at school!" It's lunch time, Maddie is hungry, Mommy is impatient, and time is short. Maddie explodes. "No! No!" She bursts into tears and kicks the floor as she clutches a stuffed lion.

Knowing that it's always easier to examine someone else's behaviour than our own, let's look at what's happened here. Maddie's outburst, or temper tantrum, was not a planned manipulative act. It happened because she was tired, hungry and frustrated, and because she has difficulty making the transition from one situation to another.

Barbara Coloroso, in her book Kids are Worth It, reminds us that "Temper tantrums happen. They are not planned. Parents can anticipate them intelligently, or they can fear them and then ignore them when they happen ... understanding the causes of the tantrum will help parents anticipate when one is about to happen."

Can temper tantrums really be prevented? No child will get past age two without a few tantrums, certainly, but it is possible at times to see a tantrum coming and head it off.

Child psychotherapist Janet Morrison advises parents to identify the times and places where tantrums have happened before. Does your child hate to be buckled into the car seat and driven to yet another store? Maybe it's best to shorten the number of errands you attempt in one trip; shop for shoes another day.

Listen to your child. If he's squirming in the seat of the supermarket buggy and starting to whimper and rub his eyes, it's time to head for home. Or perhaps you can pick him up and carry him before he falls apart. Holding a child is very soothing and can prevent an outburst in the making.

What about our little friend, Maddie? Maddie's mother might have given her ten- and five-minute warnings of the departure time, preparing her to leave. Offering her a cracker or a small muffin might have eased her hunger and boosted her ability to cope with the situation. Perhaps Mom could have asked Maddie, "Do you want to play the Raffi tape or the Eric Nagler tape in the car?" This would not only distract her from her disappointment by giving her something nice to look forward to, but would allow her feel that she has some choice, even though leaving her playmate's house is not her decision.

Let's give Maddie's mother credit for not 'losing it' herself. Morrison, who is president of the Canadian Association of Psychoanalytic Child Therapists, observes, "Sometimes when a child has a tantrum, the parent falls apart too, and then there's no adult on the premises!"

We hear conflicting information about how to handle tantrums, but what's the best advice? Morrison advises parents to stay calm, "because you can't help your child if you're anxious. The child already feels frightened when he explodes out of control, and he looks to the parent for an interpretation of the situation."

"This can be hard, especially in public," admits Morrison. Parents sometimes feel guilty, angry, or humiliated because they feel -- and look -- inadequate. If Melissa hurls herself on the floor at the drug store, take a deep breath before you react, and say to yourself, "I am a good parent. My child is a nice child." Then let your child know that you are there to comfort her - not by buying her the chips she wanted (you don't want to teach her that tantrums are a good idea!), but with your loving presence. Barbara Coloroso advises you to kneel down and rub your child's back to soothe her (if she is willing to be touched at this point), even if the other people in the store stare at you in disbelief. Speak calmly to her. Sometimes it helps to gently carry her outside, so you're both out of the limelight.

Sometimes we need to help the toddler by putting simple words to his experience, such as "Yes, Thomas, I know you would really like to have that ice cream cone, but we're going home now. Some time soon we'll buy ice cream." You can also say, "You're feeling really upset now, but everything will be all right." Verbalisation helps the child understand his feelings. "If a child falls apart and is not soothed, she'll have more and more temper tantrums," says Janet Morrison. Remember, the child under two is not manipulating you with a tantrum. She is genuinely out of control and needs you to help her through it.

Autumn 1998