Toddler

Q: My son is almost three and refuses to use the toilet — he gets upset if we even suggest he try. Did we wait too long to start toilet training?

A: There’s no magic window when it comes to introducing the idea of toilet training, says Judy Arnall, a Calgary parent educator and author of Discipline Without Distress. “Most children just have their individual timetable, the same way some kids walk or talk sooner than others.” That said, boys tend to start a little later than girls, adds Alicia Szielasko, a psychologist in Halifax. But the worst thing a parent can do is try to push the idea on an unwilling child. “If your son doesn’t want anything to do with the potty, it’s best to just back off and wait,” she says. “When he gives you a sign he’s ready, only then is it time to try again.”

Q: My daughter has completely mastered toilet training at home, but refuses to go when we’re out (we’ve had a few accidents at the mall). She says the bathroom is loud and scary, and she won’t even go inside. What should we do?

A: An aversion to using unfamiliar public restrooms is common for kids, not to mention many adults. “To decrease that anxiety, make home a comfortable place, then maybe move on to Grandma’s, then the neighbours’ — and slowly work up to expanding her comfort zone,” says Anita Greig, a family doctor in Toronto.

The important thing is to help your daughter face her fears, instead of trying to rescue her by avoiding them, adds Alyson Schäfer, a psychotherapist in Toronto and author of Honey, I Wrecked the Kids. She recommends simply being supportive and doing what you can to make the situation less threatening. “If it’s the sound of public bathrooms in general or the loud flush that frightens her, teach her to put her hands over her ears or to hum the Happy Birthday song in her head.”

Q: It looked like things were going really well. Lately, though, our daughter has been having some accidents again. Is it normal for her to regress — seemingly for no reason?

A: Going from diapers to totally trained is a process that can take anywhere up to a year, with plenty of ups and downs along the way. Regression is normal, especially if a child is experiencing any kind of stress or change, such as the arrival of a new baby, moving house or starting school, says Szielasko. “If your daughter feels insecure about anything, even a minor disruption to her routine, she may begin having accidents again.”

This sudden change may simply mean a child is just not ready for whatever reason. She can be very into the whole training thing for a while because it’s fun and new, then suddenly stop — which can be pretty frustrating for parents, says Schäfer. It might help to know that other than the teen years, the toddler years are probably the most rebellious stage of a child’s life. “Most bathroom problems are not physiological, they’re interpersonal between the child and parent, like getting undue attention or creating a power struggle,” says Schäfer. “If she’s resisting in an attempt to assert her independence, the minute you take the pressure off is the minute she’ll likely stop resisting.”

If accidents start happening on a regular basis, try using cloth underpants instead of Pull-Ups. “Pull-Ups can become just an expensive diaper and sometimes kids need to feel the wet against their skin to tell them: Oops, I just had an accident,” Arnall says. Sweatpants or plastic underpants over cloth underwear can be helpful so that when accidents do happen, they’re a bit more contained.

There’s nothing wrong with putting her back in diapers for a few weeks or months until she’s ready to resume toilet training, says Greig. “She has been dry before, so she knows how nice it is. Just give her lots of support and gentle encouragement, and it will come back.” Try taking a one- to three-month break before trying again. “You can always reintroduce toilet training when she’s in a better space and at a more co-operative stage,” says Arnall.

Originally published in Today's Parent, May 2009