TIME magazine breastfeeding cover: What I think
After seeing TIME magazine’s controversial “Are You Mom Enough?” cover, Katie adds her two cents.
Photo credit: TIME magazine
I’ve been thinking about this post forever — maybe even before Soph was born, and she’s six months old next week, so that’s saying something — but I wondered over and over again if it’s the kind of thing I could put into words. It’s just such a big topic, unwieldy even, and I didn’t know if my limited experience of motherhood would be enough to really do it justice. And then this week a Time magazine cover, with the cover line “Are You Mom Enough?,” happened and it was just the push I needed to put pen to paper.
I’ve read a few posts about the cover already, most expressing outrage over the sentiment scrawled across an image of a woman breastfeeding a toddler — like if you aren’t an attachment parent, you aren’t in the same league as those who are — and, I admit, it was my first reaction, too. I subscribe to some of the AP ideas (for example, we wore Soph for weeks but co-sleeping made me so nervous that I couldn’t do it) but it’s not because I set out to follow a set of principles. I just did what made sense to me, and what would work for my daughter. I’ve written about that before. But no, what angered me most about the cover was that it seems to suggest there is only one way to parent, and that diminishes all of the incredible mothers I know — attachment or otherwise. You are mom enough if you love your kids fiercely, if you make them feel secure and safe, and if you put their best interest ahead of everything else. However you do that is up to you, but it means that you are in the same league as every other mother out there.
When I think about the kind of mother I want to be, I don’t think about rules and research. I don’t go back to my books (and I’ve read a lot of them) to tell me how I should be. Instead, I look to the women around me, mothers who have earned their stripes in myriad ways, who have happy, funny, interesting children. These women have inspired the mother I want to be.
I want to be the kind of mom who celebrates her kids every day (even if they colour on the living room walls. I’ll celebrate in my head, later, when I’m not so annoyed). I want Sophie, and any siblings that may follow, to feel special and unique. One of my old camp counselors, Michelle, celebrates the half-birthdays of her three girls. I love that. Who says birthdays have to come once a year? Soph’s first half-birthday is next week, and you can bet she’s getting sweet potatoes for supper.
I want to be the kind of mom who fingerpaints, colours with sidewalk chalk, makes forts and builds sandcastles. My brother Matt actually put hooks into the ceiling of his rec room in order to make elaborate blanket tents for my nieces. (Oh yeah, this post doesn’t just pertain to mothers. Matt, you are dad enough, too.)
I want to be the kind of mom who makes home wherever she is. My friends Nat and Nicole are married to professional athletes, and they are constantly on the road. When Nat’s husband was traded, she picked up and made a home in a different city. Nicole takes home out of a suitcase during training camp or in the off-season. I want to be like that — to make any space feel comfortable and safe.
I want to be the kind of mom who does her best to balance work and family. I have a tendency toward workaholism, but I want to learn boundaries. I also want to be the kind of mother who knows that time for herself and her dreams, and for her partner and for her friends, is important. My friend Ashley, despite having a full-time job, a husband and a busy one-year-old, always has time to write me an email when she knows I’m struggling (and she always says exactly the right thing. Like Yoda).
I want to be the kind of mom who makes tough decisions, even if it’s going to upset their child. I have more examples than I can count on this one. It’s no fun to have a sad kid, but if that kid is sad because they can’t drop math or because they don’t like curfew, I’m okay with that. I want to be the kind of mom who can say no when I have to. But in addition to that, I want to be the kind of mom who lets go when it’s time. Who says “You’ve got wings, baby — let’s see you use them.” Even if it scares the crap out of me.
I want to be the kind of mom who knows that it’s never going to be perfect. Who stops trying to get all the ducks in a row all the time. I like that orderly row of ducks, that’s for sure, but life with kids is chaos. My kitchen counter at this very second is proof. My aunt Bernadette told me that she does one thing a day for herself, for her family and for her home. That seems doable to me.
I want to be the kind of mom who does all of the voices in books, who brings treats on long car rides, who is the best Christmas shopper ever, and who makes a mean plate of spaghetti and meatballs. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.
At the end of the day, I don’t know if any of these women — or the other amazing mothers in my life — breastfed, or wore their babies, or shared their beds. And I don’t care. Because they are all mom enough. And then some.
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marianarosem says ....
Funny...for all the press it's getting I have yet to be able to find a copy anywhere...I started looking weeks ago :(
Anonymous says ....
It's so sad to read all those comments, including the ones that imply that you hold your child back if you practice AP or nurse for longer than 2 years.
I think this magazine does a great disservice to those who let their children decide when they are done nursing. Having nursed my son for 4 years and currently nursing my 3 year-old daughter, and also knowing many kids who have been nursed for 2 years or more, I can say they are independent, outgoing, social kids, who managed to spread their wings just fine.
alexandra says ....
"You are mom enough if you ... put their best interest ahead of everything else." I totally disagree with this, and it is this kind of thinking that enslaves us as parents. The family's best interests should come first, not just the children. Something may be good for the child, but if it means the rest of the family suffers, then it isn't a good idea. Everyone seems to worship the Moms who make incredible career, financial, and social sacrifices for their kids, but I think they are sad.
LAVANDULA (not verified) says ....
umm i have followed attachment parenting and breast all 4 of mine but that time cover weirds me out a bit because that kid looks like hes in kindergarten and you are right there are lots of awesome mums out there and we each parent in our own unique and sometimes quirky ways
Alexandra S (not verified) says ....
Cheers from Greece. Your post was excellent. I am not a mother, yet you somehow managed to accurately describe the kind of mother I wish to be.
Dan Freeman (not verified) says ....
Awesome! Me and Anna were just talking about this controversy, expressing many of the sentiments you've articulated here. Thanks for representing!
Kristi W (not verified) says ....
When I had my son 5-1/2 years ago, I spent so much time trying to do what I thought I "should" be doing, that I missed out on so much of what I "could" have been doing. Now that I'm expecting #2, I truly hope that the 5+ years experience of trial and error (a lot of error) has paved the way for a more relaxed mommy and baby this time around. Katie - beautiful post! I wish more people felt the way you do.
Jaye says ....
I love it... looking forward to reading the article, but it appears to be a write up about how what our society and culture call 'extended' breastfeeding is ACTUALLY the natural duration of breastfeeding for humans. My son who is now 17 months old just self weaned a month ago, and only because I'm pregnant again and my milk changed. I would have gladly continued to nurse him if he hadn't decided to stop on his own. I do not speak ill of parents who choose to formula feed, or to force-wean their children at a specific age, or who have had trouble breastfeeding and chose to find an alternate way to nourish their child, and I am quite tired of being told that how I chose to feed my son for so long was 'disgusting' and 'unnatural'... it is no one's business, so long as it is not causing harm to the child. Period. The WHO and many other pediatric societies are now proving that it is BEST (not the only option, but considered the best option) to breastfeed for the first 6 months of a childs life as their only sourse of nutrition, then introduce foods along with breastfeeding until AT LEAST age 2, and that the NATURAL weaning age for humans is actually between ages 4 and 6. I think it is unfortunate that our society and culture seems to force mothers to wean their child before then, because it is considered frowned upon. If it is not harming the child, and not harming you, then why do you care what other parents do? There are so many other things that make parents 'good' parents... why can't we just realise that there is more than one way to be a good parent? Why do we have to judge each others parenting styles? If there is no harm to the child, the child is happy, healthy, and well adjusted, then why does anyone care if the child was breastfed longer than they personally would have done? I chose to breastfeed my son until he self weaned (and will do the same for future children I have), because that is what I felt was right for us. That doesn't mean that any other way is wrong. Every parent needs to do what they feel is the right course for themselves and their child(ren). As long as the child is not being harmed in the process, no one has the right to say 'what you're doing is wrong'.