Tween & Teen

At 16 my daughter came home with a tattoo. She didn’t try to hide it; in fact, she pointed it out to me — a delicate little forget-me-not forged into the butter-soft flesh of her hip. I thought it was a stick-on at first. I picked at it with a finger to try to remove it. “Mom, that hurts!” she told me. I started to cry.

Carly and I had discussed the tattoo just a week before. I told her she was too young to make a fashion choice that would last the rest of her life. “When you’re 18, you can decide to do that,” I told her. She harrumphed off, but I thought I’d been reasonable and non-hysterical, that she had listened and the crisis was averted. I was wrong. She listened and then she did what she wanted anyway.

All teens reach for independence; that’s what they’re supposed to do. The tough part is figuring out where that leaves you as a parent. After carefully steering your kids toward their future for so long, it’s time to give them the wheel. You still have a role in their lives; it’s just that now that mostly consists of sharing your wisdom and then backing off. So even though you may not appreciate your teen’s penchant for gangsta rap, banning it would be virtually impossible and probably unwise. On the other hand, if you really fear your teen is making a dangerous choice, you need to take a stand. If it all sounds a bit confusing, welcome to the teen years. But don’t worry. We’ve got some sage advice from experts — and parents who’ve already been there — to help you navigate those murky waters.

Originally published in Today's Parent, March 2010