Tween & Teen

For many parents whose kids haven’t reached the teen years yet, adolescence can seem scary indeed. One day you’re stressed about scheduling playdates and whether they’re eating enough vegetables. The next you’re imagining your kids operating a vehicle and worried about them experimenting with drinking, drugs and sex. Karyn Gordon is a counsellor with a private practice in Toronto, a popular keynote speaker and the author of Dr. Karyn’s Guide to the Teen Years. She’s been coaching adolescents and parents for more than a decade. Dan Bortolotti talked with Gordon about parenting in the teen years.

Q Let’s begin by talking about an idea you call “inside-out” parenting. What does the term mean, and why is it important?

Pretty much all parents I talk to say they want their kids to be confident, responsible, trustworthy, hard-working, reliable and courageous. If they were to define success, it really boils down to developing a child’s character. Yet if you listen to most parent-child conversations, they aren’t about character, they’re about behaviour: “Why did you only get a B on this test?” “Why are you hanging out with those friends?” We get stuck when we start focusing on the outside. So I try to get parents to focus on the inside, on what kind of character you want to develop in your child. When a child has a solid character, then you see it on the outside.

It’s not that behaviour should be ignored, but teens feel judged if you focus on behaviour. And behaviour is always a symptom of a character trait, or lack of one. If a teen brings home a poor mark, inside-out parents will ask questions about why the lack of achievement is occurring. They’ll focus on the teenager’s self-esteem, her thoughts and feelings.

Q Is this idea specific to parenting adolescents or is it important for parents with younger kids as well?

For a lot of parents with younger children, there is a huge fear factor: “I’m so scared about when my kids become teens.” So I emphasize that if they start now to develop a parenting style that is more inside-out, they’re going to see the fruits of their labour when their kids hit adolescence. Parents who try to implement inside-out parenting only after their kids are teens are going to have a way more difficult time.

Originally published in Today's Parent, March 2009