Tween & Teen

Your daughter, who is in grade seven, tells you that she’s “going out with someone.” What does that mean exactly?

She doesn’t seem to want to invite her special friend over and, as far as you can see, the only “date” they’ve had was going with a larger gang of friends to the movies.

“With younger teens, it’s mostly practice,” says Sarah McIvor,* who teaches a grade seven/eight split class near Port Hope, Ont. “It’s funny — the kids in grade seven who are supposedly going out together don’t actually communicate directly that much at all. A girl who is interested in a boy will tell her friend, who tells a friend of the boy, who tells the boy, and somehow it’s decided that they are officially going out together. They may hug when they come in from recess — which is usually just a quick moment of contact, and they certainly do a lot of online chatting, but they don’t seem to do things together much. When it comes time to break up, that also happens through third parties.”

By the time kids are in grade eight, dating intensifies, says McIvor. Kids do spend time together and hold hands in public, and they might even visit each other’s houses.

A recent canadianparents.com forum featured a lively discussion on young love, and parents were divided. Some thought it was best to ban dating until age 15 or 16. Others worried that doing so would just make things worse: As one poster said, “Forbidden fruit is the tastiest.” Other parents were dealing with kids struggling with the emotional intensity of romance.

*Name changed by request.

Originally published in Today's Parent, April 2010