School Age

The birthday girl eagerly unwrapped her next present, only to find that it was exactly the same as the one before.

“Thank you!” she exclaimed, very loudly and enthusiastically. Then she ducked her head and busied herself in the wrapping. I noticed her chin trembling, and knew that it would only take the slightest remark or look to push her over the edge into tears.

The dangerous moment passed. Minutes later the kids were laughing over the double Barbies and spinning “identical twin” scenarios.

It was hard for this six-year-old to override her spontaneous feelings and protect, instead, the feelings of her guest. The ability to be tactful is, in fact, a big developmental step.

Empathy is the basis for tact, says Cheryl Park, coordinator of early childhood education for Cambrian College in Sudbury, Ontario. “Before about six years of age, children are primarily egocentric — they can’t take in another person’s feelings. But six- to eight-year-olds have undergone a major shift in their thinking; they are in a different place. They are more able to understand how other people might feel.” That understanding is what makes kids realize what might hurt another’s feelings, and want to avoid doing so.

Park has seen the same “unwanted present” scenario in a much younger child, her grandson. “He loves Thomas the Tank Engine, and he was expecting engines for his birthday. When he opened his first present from me — it was paints and brushes — he said, ‘That’s not engines!’ That’s at three. At seven or eight, we would be surprised to hear that. He would more likely say, ‘Thanks, Gran,’ even if in his head he was still thinking, ‘That’s not engines!’”

While most children this age have learned to manage a pleasant “thank you” at gift time (though Park cautions that it varies — “this requires impulse control and some children have it and some children don’t”), other situations are trickier to handle. Jennifer Winter’s seven-year-old daughter, Megan, is polite and caring. But when a friend of Winter’s offered to drive Megan home, the little girl was caught off-guard. She didn’t want to go, and she blurted out why: “She said my friend’s car ‘stinks,’” says Winter. “My friend was really good about it, but…”

Later, Winter says, “I explained to Megan that she could say, ‘No thank you, I’ll just call my mom.’”

It is difficult sometimes, even for adults, to find the right words to smooth over an awkward situation, so kids need a little coaching sometimes. Winter has taught her kids (she is also mother to Keegan, six, Matthew, four, and Levi, 22 months) how to deal with another common dilemma — being offered food they don’t like. “I don’t make my kids try everything, but we discuss how to decline something politely. I tell them just to politely say, ‘No thanks.’” What about adding a reason — I’m fine, or I’m full, or I’m not hungry? At this stage, simple is better, reasons Winter. “If I try to add anything else in, they get confused and mess it up!”

Park agrees — it can be murky ground once you start grasping for a reason that doesn’t hurt and isn’t a lie: “I think it’s important that we not encourage our children to be dishonest.”

An unwanted play invitation is a major diplomatic challenge for kids. At this age, your child’s polite, “No thanks, not today” is likely to be met with a blunt, “Why not?” — and nearly every honest answer (“I don’t really like playing with you;” “I’d rather do something with my other friend;” “I feel like hanging around at home more than going to your house”) could lead to hurt feelings. It’s a good time to invoke the parents!

“Kids may need to be told it’s OK to say they have to talk to their parents before they can say yes to an invitation,” suggests Park. “Let me check with my mom or dad,” is a good standard response. Of course, that puts the onus on you to help your child find a “tactful but true” reason for declining, if a reason is needed.

“Developing tact is such a slow process that parents need to have a lot of interaction in these situations, until kids are comfortable enough and have developed and practised the scripts,” says Park. “You’re not going to have instantly tactful children.” Winter observes that, like many children, her kids seem to show their kindest faces when they are away from home. “I see a lot of room for improvement in my kids, but others are always telling me how great they are. That’s comforting.”

September 2002