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How to raise an appreciative child

In a world where the focus is always on "I want" and "I want more," how do you raise an appreciative child?

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Originally published in Today's Parent December 2010

While the holidays may bring togetherness and celebration, for Kerri Bishop,* they also bring anxiety. “I always worry how my kids will react when they receive gifts,” confides the mom of Nolan, seven, and Julia, five. “No matter how many presents they receive, they still want more, and it drives me crazy!”

Learning appreciation is an evolving, sometimes complicated process for kids (and their parents). As with all developmental traits, the age at which a sense of gratitude appears will vary from child to child, and if yours is on the later side, it may just mean that she’s taking longer to transition out of her egocentric stage of childhood.

Personality also plays a role. “There are kids who have a me orientation — the expectation that other people will do for me, serve for me, get for me, entertain for me,” explains Alyson Schafer, parenting expert and host of The Parenting Show. Despite the best of intentions, some parents foster this attitude by doing too much for their kids.

But take heart: Your child has what it takes to be appreciative and compassionate. “People are hard-wired to care deeply about others,” says parenting educator Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It. “Even an 18-month-old child is compelled to take a blanket to a crying baby to soothe him.”

So how do you build on that and foster appreciation in your kids?

Start with the basics

Most parents work at teaching their kids basic manners — saying thank you and excuse me — and that’s a great place to start in building a foundation of appreciation. Krista Michaels,* of Point Edward, Ont., started teaching these skills to her kids — Leah (now 12) and Christopher (10) — before they could talk. “They knew signing please was how they asked for something. If Grandma and Grandpa brought them something, they might not have been able to use words, but they could sign thank you or give them a kiss and hug.”

Sharing is also a good intro to appreciation. While our tendency is to turn cartwheels when our kids share willingly, Coloroso explains that it’s more important to make kids aware of the impact they’ve had, than to shower them with praise. So instead of saying, “I’m so proud of you for sharing that doll with your sister,” say, “Thank you for sharing that doll. Look how happy your sister is to play with that.” Thank them for sharing a cracker with you. Tell them you were really hungry and now you feel much better. By stroking the deed instead of the child, you’ll help him understand the impact of his actions, she says.

Stand firm on values

What kids are taught about behaviour and consumption becomes increasingly important once kids become aware of all the stuff that’s out in the world, through commercials, shopping and exposure to what other kids have and do.

“My kids come home from school all the time comparing their lunches with what the other kids get,” says Bishop, who lives in Ingersoll, Ont. “They say, ‘Tyler gets to bring Lunchables to school. Why can’t we?’ or ‘Madeline gets a Kool-Aid Jammer every day, and we only get one on special days. It’s not fair!’”

While Bishop knows she can’t really expect the kids to appreciate the effort that goes into making healthy lunches every day, she tries to explain why she’s made that choice. “I tell them that Lunchables are expensive and aren’t as healthy as fresh food, and those things are important. But then I worry they’re going to say something like that to another kid’s mom!”

*Names changed by request.

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