Tween and Teen

There is a playground in Victoria renowned not for its state-of-the-art climber but for its “snobby, cliquey, cold” visitors. This is a park where a three-year-old is scolded for pushing another’s stroller and a mother tells a child to find her own toys rather than share her son’s. Where is their playground etiquette?

It may look like fun and games, but the parents chatting and the children chasing each other in parks are heeding an unwritten code of behaviour. According to New York urban anthropologist Setha Low, who studies public spaces, we should be able to do whatever we like in our playgrounds. However, Low notes, “people are willing to compromise those rights in order to be there together.”

What are we willing to compromise? Victoria parents weigh in on playground etiquette.

Lending a Hand
A three-year-old is struggling to get on a swing. His mom is busy with her new baby. Should you help?

“I tend to do for other kids what I’d do for Hannah [six],” says mom Nicole Moen. “If they’re struggling with something, I’ll seek non-verbal permission — a nod, a gesture — from a parent, then I’ll get to their level and ask them if they’d like some help. If they say no or look uncomfortable, then I don’t help.” Parents often help other children up ladders or off teeter-totters, but a few go further and include them in games or cheer them on when they master the monkey bars. Ralph Wimmer, father of four-year old Hamish, acknowledges parents may be doubly nervous about a man touching their children. “I would definitely check with them before I helped their child, mostly because it’s good manners, but also because I wouldn’t want to upset them.”

When Push Comes to Shove
A four-year-old hits your preschooler. The other parent doesn’t do anything. What should you do?

If a child pushes or hits her four-year-old daughter, Pam Campbell steps in. “If I feel Chloe can’t handle it herself, I go straight over to the child and say, ‘Excuse me, if you’re going to play here with other kids, please play gently.’” Tanya Kendall, mother of four-year-old Sage, says she also speaks to the aggressor, but if the behaviour persists, she alerts the parents. A few, it seems, are oblivious. “I’ve had parents surprise me by not getting involved when their child is being aggressive. They don’t even acknowledge it,” says Campbell. “I’ve said things to children, but kids need to hear it from their parents too.”

Alexandra Flynn, who runs family drop-in and parenting programs at the James Bay Community Project in Victoria, has gained insight into why a parent may do nothing. “Perhaps they’re having a really bad day. Or they’re thinking, ‘This is the 59th time, I just want a break from dealing with this.’ Or maybe they don’t know what to do.” By stepping in, you may be helping them. But step carefully: Parents who do nothing may be deeply embarrassed because, as Flynn adds, “we all feel we should be able to control our children’s behaviour.” Try to empathize rather than blame. “All kids have different temperaments. What you may see is a very active child,” says Flynn. “If yours is quiet, you may not understand that this is not within the parent’s control.”

Originally published in Today's Parent, May 2004