Preschool

Q: Should I be concerned that my four-year-old son says he wants to be a girl? He has two older sisters and was never in daycare, so he spent most of his early years playing solely with girls. He started kindergarten this year and I overheard him tell another child that he was a girl “before.” He does play and eat lunch with boys at school, and he’s rambunctious, fearless and doesn’t act effeminately.

A: Four-year-olds are all about gender — what girls do and what boys do and what’s specific to each group. They tend to value things representative of their gender and devalue or avoid things that represent the other gender. They don’t tend to relax about gender rules and stereotypes until a few years later. So it’s unusual for four-year-olds to reject their gender. When they do, they usually act in a manner consistent with the desired gender; for instance, boys who want to be girls want to dress like girls, play with “girls’” toys and interact with girls.

However, in this case, your son plays with boys at school and behaves in typically boyish ways, which suggests he likes being a boy and feels like a boy, but somehow has concluded being a girl is better. When he played with his sisters, he may have been treated like a girl or chastised for rambunctious “male” behaviour. It’s great he’s adapted to school and to male friends so well. It’s an issue, however, that he says he wants to be a girl. He needs to view males as valued and desirable. Try to reassure him with statements such as “When you were born, we were so happy to have a little boy. It’s great to have both girls and boys in the family.” Also, invite other little boys over to play. If, after a few months, he still says he wants to be a girl and his father is not in the picture, try to find him a male role model. I’m not suggesting his sisters did anything wrong, but a strong male role model may help him value his masculinity.

Originally published in Today's Parent, June 2007