Preschool

Four-year-old Meghan fights bedtime, says her mom, “even when she’s so tired she’s falling over herself.” Even after a nice, hour-long bedtime routine, when she’s lying down and apparently drifting off, she’ll declare, “I’m hungry” and insist on a snack. “We realize now it’s just her way of keeping awake,” says Jennifer Hubley.

It’s a common problem, says Judy Arnall, a Calgary parent educator and author of Discipline Without Distress: 135 Tools for Raising Caring, Responsible Children Without Time-Out, Spanking, Punishment or Bribery. “It’s right up there in the list of concerns.”

Why is this such a tough age for bedtime? There are many possible reasons, Arnall explains, so solving bedtime problems starts with what’s going on with your child.

Separation anxiety This is probably the biggest cause up to age four and, says Arnall, “needy children don’t grow out of it at four.” She points out that the practice of having everyone sleep in separate rooms doesn’t fit very well with a preschooler’s need for closeness. One possible solution is to stay with the child until she’s asleep. “You can do paperwork, read, work on your laptop. Be in the room, but not interacting. Just lend your presence.” Another option might be to have siblings bunk in together. “For the first few nights, it’s a lot of fun and they may not get to sleep easily, but they soon get used to it,” says Arnall. “The idea is that they have company, it helps with fears, and they don’t feel left out at night.”

Fears A preschooler’s growing brain allows him to imagine vivid scenarios. And since preschoolers aren’t always so clear on what’s real and what’s pretend, a whole raft of new fears may worry them. “If they’re afraid of the dark,” says Arnall, “I tell parents there’s nothing wrong with letting them go to sleep with a light on.” Arnall is not keen on “monster spray” and other pretend methods of banishing bogeymen. “It’s telling the kids their fears are correct. It’s not helping them get over them. I would acknowledge their fears, but tell them the truth: ‘There are no monsters in the house, they don’t exist, but I can see you are afraid.’” Remember that the conditions adults like for falling asleep — a quiet, dark, closed room — can make a child feel very alone and heighten fears. An open door, a lullaby CD playing quietly, the sounds of a dad who’s just in the next room putting away the laundry are all reassuring.

Missing out One of our favourite books when my kids were little was Bill Harley’s Nothing Happened, in which a young boy is convinced that all kinds of family fun happens after his bedtime. “Are you eating something?” he calls down the stairs accusingly. Kids often do imagine they are missing out, especially if there is a sibling still up, says Arnall. What would reassure them? Perhaps a list of all the chores that await you (sigh).

Originally published in Today's Parent, January 2008