PREGNANCY

My first baby was born after nine hours of intense labour. He was in a posterior position, so my back hurt with every contraction and the pain didn't go away in between. Even the pushing stage seemed to go on for hours, as the baby moved excruciatingly slowly through the birth canal.

Then he was born, and the doctor laid his wet, pink body on my stomach. As I helped him towards my breast, the room seemed to fill up with light and I felt a new burst of energy. I was overwhelmed by the intense love I felt for this nine-pound boy with his squished-up face and bald head. It was the most powerful emotion I'd ever felt. The memory of that moment kept me going through the labours with my other three children, too - I would remind myself that soon, soon, I'd have that feeling again.

Not all women fall in love with their babies in the immediate, intense way that I experienced. In fact, there are many paths to forming a loving relationship with your baby - and human biology has some amazing built-in backup systems.

You may not realize that your body has been preparing you to fall in love with your baby for a long time - starting long before you became pregnant.

By age 12, or around puberty, girls begin to prefer to look at baby faces rather than at the faces of adults or people their own age. They are already drawn to the chubby curve of a baby's cheek and the round head and big eyes. (Boys are also attracted to baby faces, but this begins later and the preference is not as strong, according to research by Fullard and Renning in 1976).

The process of preparation for motherhood continues during pregnancy. As a woman carries her baby within her body for nine months, the two gradually get to know each other. Every baby, even before birth, moves differently and responds differently to noise, movement, heat and cold. The baby hears his mother's heartbeat and her voice and learns the rhythm of her walk. All these things mean mother and baby are familiar to each other after birth.

Psychiatrist Thomas Verny, author of The Secret Life of the Unborn Child and Secret Lessons says, "By the third trimester of pregnancy, the unborn child is a sensing, feeling, aware and remembering human being. If we understand that, it makes sense to start to communicate with this little being." Verny cites research that shows babies not only recognize their mothers' voices at birth, but will respond to music they have heard repeatedly, and to their fathers' voices if dad has been present during the pregnancy.

Michael Trout, director of the Infant-Parent Institute in Illinois and founding president of the International Association for Infant Mental Health, points out that "there is huge variability. The body tries to prepare the mother, to increase her urgency, to increase her capacity to put up with pain and disappointment, to heighten her interest in what is happening inside of her, to evoke fierce protectiveness. And it often works."

But sometimes, Trout says, "other forces, also present, are exerting more power over her." He gives the example of the woman who has been sexually abused and has developed very negative feelings about her body. In that situation, it may be very difficult for her to feel positive about the baby growing within her. Women who are struggling with these kinds of issues in their lives may find professional counselling to be a help.

Those cases, though, are the exception. Michel Odent, an obstetrician and author originally from France but now living and working in England, discussed how mothers and babies normally fall in love during a conference in Toronto in 1999.

The Hormones of Love

"Mothers and babies are in a special hormone balance during pregnancy and birth," Odent explained. "The hormone oxytocin, which causes the uterus to contract in labour, is at a peak during birth. Oxytocin also has behavioural effects. It is the hormone of love, involved in all loving activities including sex."

At birth, the high oxytocin levels the mother is experiencing are complemented by high levels of another hormone, prolactin. This hormone is responsible for stimulating her breasts to make milk, but it also encourages feelings of relaxation and nurturing behaviour towards her baby.

Even the pain of labour contributes to this process. Odent explains that in response to the pain of contractions, women's bodies produce endorphins, natural chemicals that reduce pain and promote a feeling of well-being. (the same chemicals that cause the "runner's high" some athletes experience). As the baby is born, the contractions stop - but the endorphins are still flowing through the mother's system (and the baby's as well). This means that the mother may experience a wonderful, almost euphoric feeling - just as her baby is placed in her arms.

Odent has studied mothers and babies when they are left undisturbed after birth, and reports that each is completely fascinated by the other. "For the first hour or so, mother and baby will just gaze into each other's eyes. This seems to be an important process that should not be interrupted. They are falling in love."

Julie Beck, mother of six-week-old Chloe, says that she didn't feel a strong connection to her daughter during her pregnancy. "It was unplanned, and while I was happy, it took Mark and me a bit by surprise. I was worried about how this would affect my plans for work and school and how I would manage."

Chloe was born three weeks before her due date, and Beck had an epidural during labour. "They put her on me right away," Beck says. However, she felt awkward with Chloe at first. "She was all slippery and purple and flailing around. It wasn't that she was dirty or gross or anything but she seemed foreign to me."

Those feelings of distance evaporated, though, when Chloe began to breastfeed, just minutes after her birth. "Oh," Beck sighs, recalling the moment, "that was just excellent. I felt a connection to her right away, that this little person needed me. I looked down at her while she was at my breast and she was so cute, so beautiful. I love just staring at her while she's nursing." Sounds like the prolactin kicked in right on cue.

What happens, though, when the natural processes of birth are interrupted? For example, does inducing labour with oxytocin or reducing labour pain with an epidural change this "falling in love" experience?

Odent explains that oxytocin given intravenously (or by injection) does not cross the blood-brain barrier except in very small amounts. Given this way, it will cause uterine contractions, but without the "falling in love" benefits of naturally produced oxytocin. And epidurals reduce the levels of endorphins produced by labouring women.

However, he stresses that this doesn't mean women who have experienced one or more of these interventions will not be able to love their babies - as Julie Beck's experience demonstrates.

"Humans are not the same as animals," he explains. "When ewes are given epidurals in labour, for example, they will not care for their newborn lambs - they completely neglect them. Obviously this doesn't happen to women, since many, many women have given birth with epidurals and have gone on to love their babies."

Beck even wonders if having a long, painful labour might have made her feel less positive about the baby. "If I'd been exhausted from pain, I might not have had the energy to interact with her and get breastfeeding going," she suggests.

Indeed, Odent confirms that helping a labouring woman feel safe and relaxed is also important. Adrenalin and other hormones produced when we experience stress can also inhibit the production of oxytocin and prolactin. "The labour and falling-in-love hormones come from the most primitive part of the brain, the part that we share with other mammals," Odent explains. "If a woman in labour is being asked a lot of precise questions, the wrong part of her brain is being activated. If she feels anxious, if she feels like she is under observation, if the lights are bright and there are unusual noises, all these things will inhibit the release of the beneficial hormones, and will not only make her labour more difficult but make it harder for her to fall in love with her newborn."

Fortunately for human mothers and babies, we have other ways to stimulate hormone production. Odent points out that loving touch is one very important trigger. Your partner's caring presence and affectionate touch - even if it's just his arm around your shoulder as you work hard to push the baby out - will encourage oxytocin production.

The Magic of Touch

That applies once the baby is born, too. Lots of skin-to-skin contact will encourage both mother and baby to produce the chemicals that support their loving feelings for each other. Recognizing this, tiny premature babies are now frequently cared for using "kangaroo care" which keeps them skin-to-skin against a parent's chest. But a full-term baby will benefit from being physically close to you as well.

Being against his mother's chest is also valuable to the baby because once again he hears the heartbeat, voice and sounds that became so familiar to him during nine months of pregnancy. Babies will turn towards their mother's voices within minutes of birth and will respond to other familiar voices (such as dad's) as well. When his mother walks around the room with him, baby feels that familiar rhythm, a comforting reminder of his days in the womb.

Verny notes that synchronicity between mother and baby promote these loving feelings: "It's like a dance. The baby looks at the mother, and she looks back at him and smiles. They are in tune with each other. A baby in the early months is constantly tracking his mother's face, especially her eyes, and there is lots of mutual gazing. But it is not forced - when the baby wants to look away, the mother accepts that."

These early experiences of being understood by and connected with his mother are critical to the baby's brain development, Verny explains. "Babies should have a T-shirt saying Brain Under Construction, and then people would understand how important these early interactions are."

And as Julie Beck discovered, breastfeeding can help mother and baby connect. Breastfeeding gives mom a hormonal boost and ensures lots of skin-to-skin contact. But mothers - and fathers - who are not breastfeeding also fall in love with their babies, and their babies fall in love with them. Lots of holding, talking and interaction will cement the relationship. Perhaps this is the reason that newborn human babies are so helpless - so that we will hold them, feed them, carry them, change their diapers, bathe them and do all those ordinary routine things that put us in frequent contact with our infants.

Julie Beck continues to be astonished at the intensity of her love for little Chloe - just as I was taken aback by the experience of falling in love with my children. "I had no idea I would be this protective, this attached," Beck says. "I am not usually a very patient person, but I am patient with Chloe. Just watching her makes me smile."

Autumn 2001