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How to name your baby...without the stress!
Marital bickering, family drama, not-so-friendly suggestions. When it comes to naming your baby, everyone has an opinion.
Photo: Jamie Grill/Getty Images
Were you really surprised when you heard that Beyoncé and Jay-Z plan to copyright the name for their blessed baby Blue Ivy? I wasn’t. Particularly after reading gossip about the personal meaning layered into the name. Blue is Jay-Z’s favourite colour, and the number four — Roman numeral IV, get it? — is significant to both parents. Running down to the trademark office might be more than most of us are willing to do, but stressing over just the right name for our kids is something most parents can relate to.
Find a name that can grow with your child
Obviously you want a name that will suit your child, but also, hopefully, inspire her. A name she can grow into. Rosie is adorable for an apple-cheeked preschooler, but she can switch to Rose when she passes her bar exams. But you don’t want to be too trendy either. Names that sound oh-so-original when you’re in your third trimester have a way of becoming ubiquitous by the time you’re doing the school run.
Prepare for pressure
For many parents, the pressure to come up with the perfect name for their baby is matched only by the headache of dealing with family and friends getting in on the action. When Rebecca Cohen’s* first son was born, she and her husband Daniel decided to follow the Ashkenazi-Jewish custom of using the first initial of a deceased relative as a way of honouring that person. “The origin of this tradition is that you want the child to take on the traits of that person, which is quite beautiful,” she says. “Since Daniel and I both lost our dads early, we knew we had to choose with care.” Their son Ezra’s first name came from Daniel’s father, Eli, and his middle name, Max, came from Rebecca’s father, Morris. Sounds like a thoughtful compromise, right? “This caused a lot of tension with my father’s side of the family and things have not been the same since.”
Come up with a plan
Whether you’re facing these land mines as a single parent or as a couple, family therapist Michelle Moreau proposes coming up with a plan for dealing with the friendly — or not-so-friendly — suggestions from others. “You should prepare a bit of a rehearsed script, such as, ‘Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness. We’ve already chosen a name for our child that we feel pretty decided about. Why don’t you tell me what you like about that name?’ And, she says, if you’re a couple, make sure you present a united front.
Keep an open mind
When trying to decide on a name while maintaining domestic peace, Moreau recommends keeping an open mind. Start by brainstorming as many options as possible. “One parent should carefully listen to the expectations behind why their partner thinks a name should be considered. Likewise, insist that this same courtesy is given to the other parent, too.” It’s also key to establish what’s important to both of you. Do you want to recognize the baby’s heritage with the name? Are there family traditions you’d like to honour? And, above all, tread lightly when shooting down your partner’s suggestions.
Keep your options open
Moreau also thinks it’s a good idea to keep a couple of options open until the baby has actually arrived. Newborns may not look much like who they’ll become, but you do get a sense of their personalities even in those first few days.
Don't tell anyone!
And I would add to that list: If you’ve settled on a name, keep it to yourself. People simply can’t help telling you what they think. And opinions on names are as subjective as they are useless. Everyone knew some awful guy in high school named (insert the name at the top of your list here). I couldn’t bear the look of displeasure that would transform my sweetest friend’s face if I mentioned a name she didn’t like. I actually had another friend say: “I’m not sure how I feel about that” after I told him the name we had already given our new daughter. I bit my tongue but felt like snapping, “Who cares how you feel about it?” Why do we have such big feelings when it comes to names? “Our choices for our children’s names tend to be very personal,” says Moreau. “Names are really a reflection of what we like as individuals.”
Take your time
In the end, my husband and I were somehow able to narrow our choices down, but agreed to give ourselves a few days with our daughter before naming her. When our girl arrived her feisty personality was evident immediately. She just wasn’t a soft-sounding Sofia (our first choice). Instead, we kept coming back to Esme — pronounced Ez-may — in part after a J. D. Salinger character Ben and I both love. In retrospect, I don’t know why I thought we could come up with the answer before actually meeting our baby. Did any of this insight help us when we had to play Name That Baby for the second time? Not a chance.
Check out the Top 10 Canadian baby names of 2011>
*Name changed by request.
Originally published in the June 2012 issue of Today's Parent Magazine with the headline "We're not telling," pp. 101-2.
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Jen VW (not verified) says ....
I absolutly HATED being called Jenny L. in kindergarten. I did not want the same thing for my kids. I also did not want to have the poor kid spelling his name every time he had to give it. So unique or trendy names we off the list. We shook the family tree to find old fashion -ish names. This had a side benefit, no one could complain about the names we chose without insulting great grandpa. lol!
Lori (not verified) says ....
We never told our families the name we picked for our daughter because we have too many opinionated people on both sides of the family. It worked well because if someone wanted to suggest a name we could tell them we already had one, but since they didn't know it they couldn't critize it.
mantaflya (not verified) says ....
We told people what names we were thinking of for our first child. We got a LOT of criticism for the name we ended up using. I don't think anyone on my side of the family liked the name - but now they realize how well it suits him and its grown on them. I would suggest not telling people if you're sensitive about what they think.
I think it was really useful to tell people, especially because it was criticized. It makes me feel like I understand the different ways people perceive the name, and am still able to say I am happy with my decision.
kabannister says ....
We kept the name of our first born a secret - even from the delivery room nurse! Even though we told people with our second and third I still like that we did that. It was great to announce his name, to everyone.
astemml says ....
I was worried about people's reactions to the name we had picked out, but I was surprised at how much people *loved* the name! I was expecting people to give us faces because of it being an "older" name, but everyone just told us how pretty it is instead! Just a few, "Well, that's an old fashioned name" with a bit of a weird look. I didn't care though, we loved the name, and the second I saw her in the incubator and the nurse asked me if we had a name, I didn't hesitate to tell her what it is :)
Anonymous says ....
My first was easy to name. I had heard her first name in passing and thought it was beautiful. My husband was happy with it. My family teased at first but now they all love it. Her name is Emerald Grace but we tend to call her Em or Emmie.
With our second, my husband was away in the Ukraine for work and came home saying if we ever had another girl he'd want to call her Anastasia. Thus we have Anastasia Rose. Only I JUST found out in May that that is the name of the main character from Fifty Shades of Grey. Annoying, yes! We will just have to tell her and many others the story behind her name. All the middle names I have picked are classic style names. Grace, Rose, Mae (should we have a third girl). With their first name being more unique.
Our families have been very supportive of all our names
Tiffany (not verified) says ....
Great article. My hubby and I told everyone with our first child, the name we had picked, and we got a lot of critiques (particularily from his father's side of the family who are notoriously nosey and opinionated...but I'll save that for another article!).
We had decided on Amaya Lilian, and everyone kept saying not to use Lilian (From my husband's Mom's Mom) because it sounded old, and a million other reasons. Then we got "don't use Amaya because it's too hard to pronounce" or "It sounds like a mexican!" Oh gosh...we got so many rediculous responses. In the end, I was impatient and hormonal, I finally said "You name your kids what YOU want, and we will name ours"
In the end, we have Amaya Lily, and Linaya Evyn...and I couldn't be happier.