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And baby makes conflict

The five most common relationship hurdles new parents face and how to get over them

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Originally published in Today's Parent November 2005

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the handsome couple pushing the baby carriage.

And they lived happily ever after, right? Not always.

As wonderful as it is to bring home a newborn, marital researchers consider the birth of a first baby to be the biggest challenge spouses face. According to recent studies by psychologist John Gottman, founder of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle and the leading international researcher on why marriages succeed or fail, almost 70 percent of couples experience a decrease in marital satisfaction during the first year of baby’s life.

“A lot of couples don’t realize how shocking this transition is until a few months into it, as things between them become less and less good,” says psychologist Alyson Shapiro, Gottman’s co-researcher. “And it’s so easy for things to escalate and become negative.”

Lack of sleep, little or no sex, and conflict over evolving new roles are just some of the relationship stressors almost universally cited by new parents. But experts agree these problems are surmountable and that one key strategy can solve them — communication. “The overall goal is to build a strong, committed relationship through the transition to parenthood, so instead of blaming one another, couples say, ‘We can make it through this together,’’’ says Shapiro.

Here’s a look at the most common new-parent conflicts and how to deal with them.

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