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5 relationship hurdles new parents face

We tell you how to conquer these common challenges

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Originally published in Today's Parent November 2005

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the handsome couple pushing the baby carriage.

And they lived happily ever after, right? Not always.

As wonderful as it is to bring home a newborn, marital researchers consider the birth of a first baby to be the biggest challenge spouses face. According to recent studies by psychologist John Gottman, founder of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle and the leading international researcher on why marriages succeed or fail, almost 70 percent of couples experience a decrease in marital satisfaction during the first year of baby’s life.

“A lot of couples don’t realize how shocking this transition is until a few months into it, as things between them become less and less good,” says psychologist Alyson Shapiro, Gottman’s co-researcher. “And it’s so easy for things to escalate and become negative.”

Lack of sleep, little or no sex, and conflict over evolving new roles are just some of the relationship stressors almost universally cited by new parents. But experts agree these problems are surmountable and that one key strategy can solve them — communication. “The overall goal is to build a strong, committed relationship through the transition to parenthood, so instead of blaming one another, couples say, ‘We can make it through this together,’’’ says Shapiro.

Here’s a look at the most common new-parent conflicts and how to deal with them.

Hurdle #1: No time for “us”
About two months after becoming a first-time mom to Jonah, now 16 months, Julie Grier realized she was lonely for her best friend — her husband, Jason. “I remember being at my new moms’ group and getting all choked up as I told the other moms, ‘I just miss my husband,’” says the Burlington, Ont., makeup artist. “I slept beside him every day, but I felt like I hardly knew him anymore.”

Maintaining the friendship and passion that binds you as a couple is difficult when both mom and dad are focused on the baby. The kind of exchange that used to come naturally now requires work.

Springboard Carolyn Pirak, director of the Seattle-based program Bringing Baby Home, says the key to a happy marriage after baby is to find ways to get close. To make that happen, she says, you have to be aware of what is going on in each other’s lives.

Research indicates couples who nurture their friendships with one another maintain greater marital satisfaction. Making the effort to stay attuned to the routine details of your partner’s life (what happened in his meeting, what you did at the park) proves that you still care about each other despite the baby’s pervasive needs.

Grier realized she had to make some effort to reconnect with her husband. Sometimes that simply means sending an email to Jason to tell him she misses him. Other times, they talk about their day over dinner at home, while Jonah sits in a chair watching a baby video.

Ann Douglas, author of 19 parenting books and a mother of four from Peterborough, Ont., suggests new parents try to find a few minutes each day to touch base over a cup of coffee or, like Grier, via email. Other suggestions: Swap child care duties with other parents and meet for a monthly lunch date; turn off Law and Order and talk instead; put baby in a stroller and go for a long walk together. Whatever you do, just keep talking.

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