The REAL lives of stay-at-home parents
Is staying at home with kids as easy as working parents imagine it to be? We asked eight SAHMs and SAHDs to set the record straight on stay-at-home-parents
Secret #1: SAHPs don’t have halos
The idea that SAHPs are somehow superior parents is alive and well. “I get a lot of ‘pats on the head’ from people who are unhappy with their grown children’s choices,” says Kathy Ciccale,* SAHM of Mackenzie, three, and Adam, four, in New Westminster, BC. “Someone will say, ‘My daughter went back to work and she never gets to see her son. How can she miss out on these precious moments?’” Ciccale, 37, is uncomfortable being “evidence” for criticisms of moms who work outside the home. “I’m happy with my choice to stay home, but it wasn’t clear-cut,” she says.
Melanie Snagg, age 39, of Vancouver, encountered similar reactions when she left her job as a film and video editor to stay home with Carter, now four. “My least favourite comments imply that I am ‘finally’ doing the right thing for my kid,” she says. “Seriously? To me, that suggests a working mom’s job is like a hobby, something she chooses to do for her own well-being.” Snagg adds that some SAHMs she knows seem to forget staying home isn’t necessarily an option for everyone. “I hope I don’t do that the longer I’m at home.”
Secret #2: Living on one income can be surprisingly doable
Such expenses as transportation, buying lunch and maintaining a workplace wardrobe are often part of having a job. But for many families who opt to have a parent at home, the deciding factor is child care expenses. “While on mat leave with my third child, I crunched the numbers and realized after paying for child care, I was only taking home about $500 a month,” says Jenn Nadon, 32, a Guelph, Ont., mom of five kids, aged 11 months to 14 years. “It made more sense to stay home than go back to my factory job.” It wasn’t a decision she and her husband, Rickardo Myers, took lightly, since he’s a self-employed automotive technician without a set salary or benefits package.
Caregiver costs were also a factor in Hannah Munday’s decision to leave her executive assistant position and become a SAHM to James, three, and Isaac, five. (The 33-year-old Hatchet Lake, NS, mom also cared for her ailing father-in-law in their home until his death 1½ years ago.) To augment the paycheque from her husband Michael’s job with a contracting firm, Munday did some consulting work and then started a home daycare. “Sudden expenditures like car repairs can cause a bit of hair-pulling,” she says. “But, overall, it hasn’t been a major hardship.”
Plus, stay-at-home parenting can be relatively short-term, as Ciccale points out. She and her husband, Edward Black, a network administrator, budgeted for two years of Ciccale staying home. “I took an extended leave of absence from my job as an administrative assistant, rather than quitting entirely,” she says. “I’ll be going back to work this fall.”
Continue reading for Secrets #3-8 >
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samuel miles (not verified) says ....
stay at home dads is sometimes needed when the mom is gone and that will place a bond unbreakable.
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worldgirl (not verified) says ....
I'm a SAHM to a 3YO and a 9MO - I was really excited to read this article and felt sure it would dispel the myths about SAHPs...it didn't! This article made it sound like we're all Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music hilltop scene! It can be brutally exhausting and lonely and many people assume it's a luxury to stay home and tell me I'm so lucky. I am lucky, but this was a CHOICE we made; we don't go on vacations, we don't go on expensive dates and we cut corners in lots of ways to make this work. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life!
schultzc says ....
It's nice to hear stories about stay at homes. I get questions all the time regarding this. Mostly on how we can do it. I stay at home and homeschool 6 of my 7 children (one is an infant). My husband goes to school and when he's not at school we play. I have lots of time in my day even with homeschooling and all their extracurricular activities. We don't have money issues as we prioritize. We don't do TV or video games. We don't travel far. But we still do things. We have ski trips and dance competitions. We visit family and we also have to travel for our infant to see his cardiologist since he has had open heart surgery at 4 days old. We just keep our travels within a certain radius. If we want a bigger trip, we save. The kids each have their own paper routes, so that's where their spending money comes in. No allowance. They get rewarded for their behaviour with family activities which they much prefer. We have family game night 3 days a week (the kids would like more) and family movie night with a projector and popcorn. We have lots of time in our day to just play and learn through play. It's totally do-able if things are thought out and prioritzed. The kids are more mature than their peers and we have a great relationship with them. I also don't worry about playmates and creativity. They have great relationships with each other and have friends from their groups. Also the older ones love helping with the younger ones. As we speak, our oldest daughter has our younger 3 boys outside in the snow leading an excavation into King Tut's tomb (candy and plastic jewelry buried in the snow digging with spoons after following clues) so I have time to check my email. I could not imagine having anyone else raise my kids, if I worked outside the home and have daycare or teachers. This works for us. I don't want to be anywhere else but with my family. I feel there is a stigma for sahm. Everyone does what they need and want. There is no wrong way.
kristine hughes (not verified) says ....
#7 and #8 just made me cry. I am a SAHM to a 17 month-old baby girl and am just coming through a dark period. I felt (and still feel, but my daughter is getting much more interactive and entertaining!) bored, tired, like I was a crappy mom for being bored and tired and not appreciating my daughter fully. Some days I would go to bed and think "how on earth am I going to get the energy and creativity to keep us both happy and fufilled tomorrow?" I was getting to the point where I thought my daughter would be better off and happier if I just went back to work and she could be surrounded by playmates at daycare. But this week has actually been a turning point. Even one of my friends said to me today "it's like she went to bed and grew up over night!" We are having so much fun together, and seeing her dance and laugh and interact with me is wonderful. And the way takes times out from running around with her friends, or playing dolls with me to plant a big kiss on me as a thank you for all the fun, fills me up with so much pride and love.
Guest_364355 says ....
I am returning to work after mat leave in January... just a few short weeks away. I am struggling with this in a major way. I would love to be a stay-at-home-mom just until Baby goes to school. After loosing our first daughter, you really put in percepective what matters most (time with family) on the other hand, said family needs a place to stay and food to eat. My parents raisd 3 kids on a salary concidered to be under the poverty line. I only nring this up to show that I do know that with budgeting it is possible to live on one paycheck even if the sacrifices are huge. I was happy to have my mom raise me but I always kinda resented (years later) that she did everything for us and putherselfon hold - no financial recourse if anything would have happened to my dad, for example. Yup, the big work vs SAHP question is a huge one! Thanks for this artivle TP, but I do agree with other reviwers that an article on working parents is needed here too.
MD (not verified) says ....
Frankly I would love to not be a SAHM. I guess it is a case of the grass is always greener but I feel like I NEVER get a break from my kid I can't do anything for myself in peace. I dream of if I could only work outside of the house I would have a few hours to be an adult and concentrate on something else. Then I could come back and see the little man and just be happy to see him again instead of constantly worn out and frustrated. DS is a very demanding child time and attention-wise and I can't go to the toilet without him hammering on the door and wanting in. I cant sit down and eat a meal without interruption he's four now but I feel like being always availiable has made him more dependant not better adjusted.
JJ (not verified) says ....
I agree with nicoelh's comment..... any articles about how to juggle both parents being at work and taking care of a house with two boys? I haven't been a TP member for long, so maybe I missed important articles, but I'd love to get tips from other parents that are finding the everyday rush routine of Shift #1 (daytime job) and Shift #2 (home life) nothing short of exhausting. It seems my husband and I are always trying to catch up on everything else outside of work (laundry, groceries, homework, housecleaning, meal planning - we have severe food allergies so we must have homemade meals, ...) Unfortunately, we do not have the chance of living close to our workplaces, so carpooling is long (average 2:15 hours per day), we don't have any help at home (such as nanny, housekeeper, grand-parents,....) and we simply don't have the financial capability to hire any help, reduce hours at work, or have one of us stay at home. Sometimes I wonder how I'm still standing up straight..... Hats off to all parents out there! ;)
nicoelh says ....
Interesting read -- but I've read it all before. Any articles planned for the "real lives of working parents"?