Parent Time

"In the early years of a marriage, you build up trust and goodwill between each other by doing a lot of things and sharing a lot of things. It's like putting money into a bank account. But when you have a child, you're not making steady deposits to that bank account anymore. You're withdrawing an awful lot. And, if you're not careful, you'll have an overdraft."

This explanation from John Hunsley, a University of Ottawa psychology professor, likely hits home with a lot of new parents. It's not rocket science: The addition of a child to a couple's world demands that primary attention be shifted from marital to parental roles. Parents no longer have the same time to devote to their relationship, so it's frequently shuffled off to the most remote burner on the family stove - with no flame lit beneath it.

Robert Colby, a Vancouver psychologist, attributes that chilling reality to our education system, which, as he puts it, "sucks. It teaches math, language and reading skills, but it doesn't prepare people for being parents, both in the role of parenting and the effect on the relationship." And as any new parent or parent-to-be knows, it's just the work involved in rearing a child that gets any airplay in the pregnant and early months. Conversation rarely turns to how the tornadic new addition is going to challenge a couple's values, their views of themselves, their sense of competence, and their life as a duo.

In recent years, a flurry of research studies has feasted upon this phenomenon, and most of them have surfaced with the unhappy news that the belief that children enhance marital quality is a trifle unfounded. Having a baby, it seems, is more likely to detract from, rather than add to, relationship satisfaction - particularly the satisfaction of the female partner - right from day one. "And you can't blame the poor baby," says. Sandra Byers, a professor of psychology at the University of New Brunswick and a private practitioner in Fredericton, "although some people do."

Still, a great many marriages not only survive the experience, but are enriched by it. So why do some partnerships break down when a child enters the picture? And why do others embrace the challenge and grow stronger? Among the most troubled couples, Byers believes, the seeds of discontent are sown long before the baby comes. Some relationships suffer from disastrous communication, a shortcoming that can only worsen with the addition of a baby. "Some couples get along well as long as there are no disagreements, but they don't know how to communicate when they do disagree. You take that and throw in a baby - a situation that adds more stress, more decisions to be made - and marriage satisfaction is going to decline."

The key to rising above it all, say the experts, lies in the seemingly simple art of sharing. New parents have got to excel at sharing their thoughts, concerns and anger, as well as sharing the new duties that a baby brings. Robyn Casimiri observes that the arrival of her daughter added a great gift to her relationship with husband Luciano, in addition to the obvious tangle of challenges. "We're always complaining about how hard it's been," says the Toronto mom, "but the most important thing Elise has done for us is help us to realize how well we work together as a team. In the past, the problems we dealt with were either his or mine. Now, through her, they're ours. It's up to both of us to instill her with values, teach her to be a good person and sort through her to be a good person and sort through her temper tantrums. We recognize how well we've been able to approach all of this together, and that's brought us closer."

But most parents-to-be never take the time to contemplate the myriad side effects a baby might have on their relationship, largely because no one ever suggests that they should. The only kind of advice Marion Green ever got before she gave birth to her son Jamie were quips about the sleep she was about to give up. Mind you, says Byers, the point about exhaustion is a good one to make, because almost every new parent will experiance it. "But I think people are more ready to realize that their lives have been fundamentally changed forever.

Green says nobody warned her about the explosion the baby would set off in her relationship with her husband. And nobody told this Halifax mom that a child can unearth unpleasant - and previously unexhibited - characteristics in people.

A baby, says John Hunsley, places new demands on people "to find out about areas where you and your partner may have different opinions. You typically choose a spouse based on a number of factors, but those don't usually include a thorough discussion of child-rearing practices." When people become parents, they often discover things about their partners that they never knew before, because they were never relevant before. These discoveries can be less than pleasant and, even if they're not, they represent a whole new realm to be negotiated.

If possible, couples should do that negotiating before the big arrival. They should explore a range of issues, including the negative feelings each person harbours about relationships with his or her own parents, the practicalities of arranging their respective work lives post-baby, the "who does what" debate, and all the trouble spots in their relationship.

"If they are both clear on what their expectations are and have already tried to come up with some creative solutions around problems that can be anticipated," says Byers, "then they're that much further ahead." Otherwise, all of this can be a work-in-progress, so long as the couple acknowledges the key word: work.

Still, says Colby, the work can be fun if it's approached in the right spirit. "You have to redefine what is going to be a difficult, frightening - for some people, overwhelming - task into a shared positive experience. With all the worries, concerns, exhaustion and biological confusion that's created, you have to remember you have a positive relationship to begin with."

At the end of a day where you couldn't get anything done, didn't have time for a shower and were merely able to move the basket of unfolded laundry from one end of the living room to the other, you must sit down with your partner, look at the baby you created and try to enjoy what you have, as a family, together. As Colby stresses, "you have to account for the positives so they don't slip by you."

What about finding time for sex? Therapists report this issue among the most frequently discussed at their clinics. Moms, with scrambled hormones and not enough sleep, and dads, buckling under added responsibilities and, sometimes, decreased sexual desire, don't make the most active of sexual partners.

Even when couples do have the desire, it's not that easy to translate into action. New parents should take time for intimacy whenever and wherever they can find it, since spontaneity becomes a thing of the past. You might try having sex in places other than the bed, which takes on a decidedly exclusive reputation as a sleep haven in the early months of a child's life. Scheduling "dates" can be effective. And just because you can't have it as often as before, the quality of your sex can take precedence over the quantity.

But among the principal causes of problems with sex are problems with a relationship. In one common scenario, says Byers, the stay-at-home mom starts resenting her husband because he still gets to see friends, go out for dinner, have private time, etc. The burden weighs heavily on the parent more responsible for child care, and she's exhausted. "Meanwhile, the other partner still thinks they should have sex regularly. He thinks that they have the baby, but everything else should stay as it was, and that becomes a conflict, instead of realizing that, maybe if he did more, they'd both be more interested."

For Gordon Delamont, the joyful presence of five-year-old Kieran and two-year-old Zachary has admittedly put a crimp in his sex life with wife Sandra, but he prefers to look at this as a challenge that's enjoyable to work through. Besides, says the London, Ontario dad, while children may complicate a couple's life, they also enhance it. For one, having kids has opened up a whole new world of friendships with other couples who share similarly child-bound lives. And family life overall has improved. "We look forward to family functions now," says Delamont, "because we realize how important they are to the boys. But we used to think of them as a chore." Most of all, the addition of children to their relationship has allowed the pair to put things into perspective and recognize where priorities lie. "I don't get bugged by little things anymore, and neither does she," Delamont explains. "That's got to help us as a couple."

Resources

The Transition to Parenthood: How a First Child Changes a Marriage, by Jay Belsky and John Kelly, Delacorte Press, 1994. Belsky, a U.S.-based professor, reveals the results of his seven-year study of 250 couples making the transition to parenthood.

When Partners Become Parents: The Big Life Change for Couples, by Carolyn Pape Cowan and Philip A. Cowan, Basic Books, 1992. This book draws upon the results of a ten-year study of 100 couples entering parenthood to produce a compendium of helpful and practical information.

Originally published in June 1997