Parent Time

Theresa and Colin Paterson of Richmond, B.C., have family meetings once a week; attend all of their children's parent-teacher interviews together and talk regularly through the day about what and how their eight-year-old twins, Leah and Dean, are doing. That may sound unremarkable given that today's parents share many of the child-rearing tasks, but consider this: the Patersons have been separated for some three years.

While the Patersons admit it wasn't easy to sweep aside the bitter residue of their failed marriage and focus on their children's needs, they're convinced that, in terms of Leah and Dean's emotional health, it was crucial.

And the experts back them up. Recent studies of children from divorced families have been discouraging - showing an increased tendency to develop behaviour problems and to have trouble with school, work and commitments even many years after their parents' split. But, says Carolyn Usher, publications director at British Columbia Council for Families in Vancouver and author of several pamphlets on parenting through divorce, "It's not divorce per se that causes all the damage. Children can usually cope with separation and adapt to new living arrangements. It's the ongoing high level of conflict that hurts them."

The keys to minimizing the effect of divorce on your children, says Usher, are providing an atmosphere of stability and understanding; acknowledging your children's right to have both parents in their lives; and keeping them firmly out of the fighting. "It sounds deceptively simple," she says. "But the whole thing is fraught with difficulty. Parenting is never easy, and parenting under these conditions requires the greatest maturity, responsibility and love."

The first heart-wrenching task is telling your children that Mommy and Daddy aren't going to live together anymore. Frances Smales, a children's therapist with the Aisling Centre for Children and Families in Toronto, advises parents to tell the kids together, if at all possible, and to agree in advance on what you're going to say.

The Patersons did just that when Leah and Dean were five years old. "We told them that our situation was going to change; that Dad would be moving out," says Theresa. "But we said his home would be only five minutes away and any time they wanted to see him, or me, that wasn't a problem. We tried to make it clear that, even though we weren't going to live together, we would both always be there for them."

They also avoided laying the blame for the break-up at the door of either parent, and stressed that it wasn't Leah and Dean's fault. That's something that needs to be emphasized, according to Usher. Children naturally see every situation in terms of themselves, and in the case of a separation, they often feel guilty, believing they caused it, or at least could have prevented it. "They don't realize that there's all this stuff between the parents that has nothing to do with them," she says.

Other common reactions to news of a separation include confusion, sadness and anger, says Smales. And kids may begin to act out their stress in a number of ways: through aggression, or regression (wetting their beds or whining in ways they haven't done since they were much younger); by withdrawing from the world or developing separation anxiety (because, with one parent "gone" the other becomes incredibly important); and through physical symptoms, like stomach problems, headaches, or disrupted eating and sleeping patterns.

For parents - who are going through a rough time themselves - these additional problems may seem overwhelming. But, according to Smales, what children basically need is reassurance, first that their feelings are normal and to be expected, and second, that their world will eventually settle back into a predictable pattern. Because children often have difficulty expressing their emotions, Smales suggests using "prediction" to let them know it's all right to feel bad. For example: "When Daddy moves out, I know that you're sometimes going to feel really sad and you might even feel angry. We understand that, and it's OK to have those feelings, as long as you don't act on them in a destructive way."

Children may also benefit from joining a support group. Having friends, family or other adults to talk to who are not involved in the divorce, says Usher, will help, too. Why? Because kids often worry that by expressing their anger and pain, they'll hurt their parents, so they may just bottle it up inside.

Age-appropriate books about separation and divorce may also open up conversations, and give children examples of positive ways to cope. You can use lines like, "How do you think the little boy in the story feels?" suggests Usher.

Of course, your own approach is critical. Smales recommends "patient, but firm." While you may be tempted to "bend the rules" because you empathize with your children's grief, you're better off maintaining as much consistency in routines and discipline as possible. "Once you change what is a nice firm base for children, it can be really scary," she says.

Toronto father Tony Da Silva and his ex-wife, Danielle McCormack, have been very conscious of the need to provide stability for their son Michael, who was just three years old when they split up six years ago. Da Silva, the non-custodial parent, backs up McCormack's rules and disciplinary techniques. "He knows he's not going to get away with one thing at Dad's and another thing at Mom's," says Da Silva.

Some parents carry the desire to provide consistency to extremes. One dad, who was mentioned during a forum on divorce at Toronto's St. Lawrence Centre, actually re-created his little girl's bedroom identically, from the wallpaper to the bumper pads, in his own home when he and the mother divorced. Other families have tried innovative arrangements where the children stay in the matrimonial home at all times, and the parents shift in and out depending on the custody arrangement, living with friends or relatives when their ex is with the kids.

What really counts, says Smales, is that both parents designate a place in the house that belongs to the child. Even if you can't afford a separate room, you can set aside a particular spot for.

But even if you do everything right in terms of providing security and stability for your children, another vital step you need to take in helping them adjust may also be the most difficult: rebuilding a co-operative relationship with your ex as co-parents, rather than husband and wife. "You may not live with or love this person anymore, in fact you may not even want to be in the same room with him," says mediator Francine McIntyre, one of the key players in developing a Halifax-Dartmouth Family Court program that educates divorcing parents about the effects of conflict on their kids. "But if you're going to successfully parent your children, you'll have to find some way of communicating with each other."

If your co-parent seems unable to perceive how her negative actions affect your child, parent-education programs may help. And, if you simply can't talk to each other without flying off the handle, a mediator may be able to steer you toward constructive discussion.

But sometimes this is easier said than done. After all, you can't control what your co-parent does and says. Toronto mother Betty Grey (not her real name) recalls one terrible scene that took place when her son Jonathan was about four years old and she was picking him up from his dad's house. "Mike was enraged about something - I don't even remember what it was anymore," says Grey. "What I do remember is that Jonathan and I were out on the street and Mike was screaming at me that I was stupid." Jonathan's back straightened in anger and he yelled back at his dad, "My mom is not stupid." Grey was horrified. "All I could think was that I didn't want him to be on my side. I didn't want him to be on anyone's side. He shouldn't be put in that position."

Indeed he should not, affirms Usher. Apart from forcing your child to stick up for his other parent, sniping at your ex-spouse is going to affect your child's own self-image. "Children see themselves as coming half from each parent," she explains. "So when Dad is critical of Mom, the arrows that he's shooting lodge directly in the heart of the child. It's devastating."

What can you do? Avoid responding with an equally barbed comment. You can also avoid topics that tend to draw sparks. Grey, for example, doesn't raise the issue of money, at least not in front of Jonathan, because it almost invariably provokes her ex. She has also had to accept that she doesn't have control over what goes on in Mike's home. "I found that enormously difficult at first," she says. "I have a specific bedtime and I make sure he does his homework. But Mike will say, 'No, we didn't do homework. We were having too much fun.' " Instead of attacking him for being so lax, though, Grey tells herself that "even when people are married they don't have control over what their spouse does."

McIntyre points out that it's natural to want to get back at someone who has hurt you, but adds that parents need to try to understand how the things they say and do to each other make their children feel. "If you're using them as spies, pumping them about what goes on at Mom's house and whether her boyfriend stays overnight, you're asking them to betray the other parent," she says. If you use them as a go-between because you can't communicate, you make them feel responsible for the disputes between you.

How did Theresa Paterson avoid those traps? "There were many times I bit my tongue," she says. "But I would have done anything to protect Leah and Dean. Keeping my feelings very separate from their needs, I was determined this was going to be as easy a transition as possible." And indeed, it has been. Three years after the fact, Theresa praises Colin as a "great parent," and freely admits she couldn't do as good a job without him.

Resources

For Parents

Difficult Questions Kids Ask (And Are Too Afraid to Ask) About Divorce, by Meg F. Schneider and Joan Zuckerberg, Simon and Schuster, 1996. This book looks at the underlying meaning of questions like, "Why isn't Daddy home?" with an eye to opening up communication between parent and child, and provides tips on how to answer truthfully without frightening your kids.

Divorce is the Pits So Stop Digging: Success Strategies for Parents, by Thomas Muha and Maureen Vernon, Looking Glass Productions Inc., 1996. This hands-on guide includes exercises that encourage parents to explore their own and their children's reactions to the split, hopes for the future and ways of handling.

Originally published in Today's Parent, May 1998