Parent Time

Today's Parent: From your book title, you think parents are paying too much attention to their kids, and not enough to their spouses.

David Code: Yeah, I’m surprised at how radical an idea this has become. Certainly neglect is not a good thing; we can all agree on that. But what we didn’t realize is that the pendulum has swung too far to the other extreme. We didn’t realize that it’s possible to pay too much attention to our kids.

I think today’s parents are trying to provide the perfect trauma-free childhood, so that their children can grow up without any of the problems that you and I take for granted. And I don’t think that’s possible. All of us suffer; suffering is part of life. So what happens when parents try to create this perfect childhood? The parents aren’t having fun; they’re anxious and exhausted. The kids aren’t having fun, they’re anxious and troubled and entitled. And they’ll grow up to have bosses and spouses who just can’t stand them.

TP: We’ve heard lots of talk about helicopter parents who are over-involved with their kids, but your take is that we’ve got to bring it back to our spouses. That’s new to me.

DC: What I’m looking for is a balance. In many families, it almost seems like we’re marrying our kids instead of our spouses. We think it’s a child-friendly, great way to go. But what we’re doing is escaping our relationships; relationships are hard, and it’s so easy to throw yourself into parenting instead. It becomes almost a flight response from your spouse, and that’s where I think the problem lies.

I’m not saying dump the kids on a nanny. But if we can put our marriages first, that’s win-win in so many ways. First of all, it recharges our batteries. I mean, we married these people for a reason — to have that kind of dependable friendship that is a support and a source of joy. If you feed and water that relationship on a regular basis, it will sustain you for life.

Second, it gets the helicopter off the kids, so they grow up with self-reliance, independence and the ability to problem-solve themselves, instead of needing mommy as entertainment director, leadership director, home-schooler, chauffeur…you name it.

Finally, we have an opportunity to set an example for our children’s future relationships. You and I both know that kids don’t learn by what we tell them; they learn by what we model. It’s incredibly important to model a healthy relationship.

Originally published in Today's Parent, July 2010