Parent Time

Children’s Birthdays
Birthday parties can get very complicated when parents of the honouree no longer live together. Biological moms and dads often face feelings of insecurity and jealousy, and this prompts rude behaviour such as demanding that your ex’s new spouse not attend your child’s party.

There is always some emotional adjusting to do, but you must eventually accept that your former spouse has a new partner whose place it is to be at your ex’s side on special occasions.

Divorced parents must first decide if there will be one party or two. Estranged parents usually opt for the two-party solution, but that may not be the best idea. Does a child really need two of everything, including parties? Perhaps the best solution is to switch off — one parents hosts the party one year, the other hosts it the next. Ideally, both parents should attend, complete with their extended families if that’s your tradition. If anyone feels uncomfortable, it should be that person’s option to decline the invitation. It is very poor ex-etiquette to agree to go to a party based on who is attending rather than a wish to help the guest of honour celebrate.

Holidays
To help any holiday run smoothly, divorced families first need a solid plan. Being organized will ensure that the kids feel safe and secure and willing to accept the change between past and present. Sure the holidays may not be what you remember as a child, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be a wonderful time of year.

Begin by making the transition from house to house as stress-free as you can by coordinating efforts with your child’s other parent well in advance. Knowing exactly what time he will leave (or when you will pick him up) and planning for it — bags packed at the door rather than scrambling around at the last minute — will help. Avoid saying things like “I’m going to miss you so much.” Even if you will, saying so just makes the transition more difficult for your child. Give him a hug, tell him you love him and then send him on his way.

When he’s with the other parent, agree on a time you will touch base and stick to it. Do not call him every five minutes to check up or remind him he is the most important thing in your life.

To save on expenses, it also helps to coordinate presents with your child’s other parent. Decide who is going to give Billy the bike and Mary the rollerblades. Follow the rules of good ex-etiquette (see The 10 Commandments) and look for the compromise. Then let everything go. Don’t stew over the agreement you just made. Move on and celebrate the day.

Originally published in Today's Parent, August 2005