Parent Time

Maybe it’s been a few years; you’re not new to this parenting thing any more. In fact, there’s a good chance you’ve settled into a nice routine that involves sleeping in occasionally and even getting out of the house without the kids once or twice a month. Yay, you’re getting your life back! And you know what that means? Your kids are growing up.

Or, possibly, you’re divorced.

One of the most common side effects of becoming a parent is becoming at least somewhat distant from your spouse. There’s nothing sinister about this; it’s just the way things work, right from the moment your first child is born. It’s the logical outcome of the presence in your home of another person — a demanding, high-maintenance person whom you must feed and constantly cater to. And even after your mother-in-law leaves, there’s still the baby.

So yes, there may be times when you long to return to that same intimate relationship with your spouse. Problem is, there may be just as many times when you look across the dinner table and think to yourself, “Who is that?” This is especially likely to happen on days when you are so exhausted that you’ve accidentally walked into the wrong house.

Top relationship experts say it’s important to ensure the everlasting union with your spouse remains based on the love and respect of one human being caring passionately for another human being, and not the love and respect of one human being caring for another human being simply because he emptied the Diaper Genie. Which brings us to the guts of this exercise.

Parents of a certain age will remember The Newlywed Game.

It was a television game show on which newly married couples would attempt to win exciting prizes and let an international TV audience know the precise coordinates of where last they had sexual intercourse. The unspoken truth of The Newlywed Game? It was pretty easy. The contestants had only recently been married, and most didn’t have children. They spent all of their time together, which greatly increased the chances of matching answers to such gripping questions as: Does your spouse prefer waxed or non-waxed dental floss?

Our Not-So-Newlywed Game boasts a higher degree of difficulty. It’s a quiz designed to gauge how much you and your spouse still know about each other: Have you remained as intimate as ever, or should either of you, on your next encounter, politely ask to see some ID?

All you need in order to play the Not-So-Newlywed Game is a pen or pencil. Depending on your results, you may also need a place to sleep tonight.

Give yourself one point for each answer that correctly matches that of your spouse. (Just one note: We use the term “spouse” throughout the quiz. We mean for the word to cover all its potential synonyms, including partner, life partner, significant other, pelvic companion, ball ’n’ chain, dorko, etc.)

Originally published in Today's Parent, March 2004