Parent Time

Who gets the most spankings? Research says it's preschoolers. Joan Durrant, professor of family studies at the University of Manitoba, says that many parents find this age group particularly challenging.

"Preschoolers are fiercely independent, curious, highly motivated to master their environments, and learn best through touching and experimenting," she explains. "At the same time, they have limited understanding of danger, the monetary values of objects, time and others' perspectives. So while they are busy learning, we are trying to get them to bed or out the door or away from expensive stereo equipment."

But spanking isn't the solution. "Spanking is not only not helpful, it is risky," Durrant states. She cites research showing that children who are spanked are more likely to be aggressive. "This does not mean that every child who is spanked becomes violent," she says. "It's a matter of risk. The more times we strike a child, the greater the risk that the child will strike someone else."

Carrie Marchand, a mother of four children including four-year-old Reid, says she's observed this first-hand. When she worked in a daycare she found that the children whose parents said they spanked them were more aggressive towards their playmates and harder to deal with. "That experience strengthened my resolve not to spank my own kids," she says.

So how can parents handle some of those preschool challenges? Having a large repertoire of alternatives goes a long way towards avoiding spanking. What we need is not more effective punishments, Durrant says, but a better understanding of the child's point of view. "We need to think more about how to foster the behaviour we do want than how to punish behaviours we don't want."

Take a typical preschool situation - a three-year-old playing in the front yard who heads towards the road. "If I see Reid heading onto the street," says Marchand, "I'll yell. I don't yell much, so that gets his attention." She will then take Reid to the backyard - picking him up if he doesn't come willingly. She also makes a point of showing her kids dead squirrels that have been hit by cars.

Not all problematic preschool behaviour is dangerous, of course. When Marchand's son Evan, now seven, was four, he coloured on the dining room chairs with his markers. Marchand dealt with that artistic disaster by having Evan help her clean them up. "I did most of it, but he had to help," she recalls. "And then I put his markers away in a cupboard and tied the handles together with string for three days."

The determined independence of preschoolers can be a source of conflict, too. If you're in a rush to get ready for daycare and your three-year-old is having a temper tantrum because she doesn't want to wear the red shirt you picked out, you can feel like having a tantrum yourself. Sometimes giving a child choices can defuse this situation. Pick out two or three (but not more) tops and let her choose which one she'd like to wear today.

Another common challenge is dealing with preschoolers who are squabbling or even hitting each other. When she sees Reid about to strike a sibling or friend, Marchand tries to move quickly so that, if possible, she can block his hand from hitting the other child. Then she reminds him that hitting hurts. "Often, if he is angry, I will take him out of the room and tell him to come back when he is calm and can play without hitting."

You can also let your child learn from experience - or natural consequences - at times. If your independent five-year-old is refusing to put on his sandals when you head outside for a walk to the store, stuff them in your tote bag and take him along. The hot sidewalk under his feet will quickly convince him that shoes are a good idea.

Remember, too, that your own approach to a situation can make a big difference in your child's reaction. Positive statements ("You need to walk on the pool deck") may be more effective than negative ones ("Don't run near the pool"), for instance, because kids this age hear "no" and "don't" a lot and may tend to tune those messages out. And being specific helps, too. Your three-year-old won't really know what you are asking for if you say, "Now behave yourself while we're at the mall."

Whatever approach you try, "the first step," says Marchand, "is being committed to not spanking."

Want to read More on Preschooler discipline?

Steps & Stages: The Preschool Years, by Holly Bennett and Teresa Pitman, Key Porter Books, 1998. The second in a series of four Steps & Stages books gives lots of practical advice on handling typical preschooler scenarios.

July 2001