Parent Time

If you ask parents what the greatest joys of parenthood are, they will invariably answer, "The chronic fatigue and the vomit stains on practically every shirt." However, when the sobbing subsides, parents often describe the god-like power they felt while deciding on a name for their child. It's an extraordinary duty: "From this day forth, you shall be called Rowena!" However, despite the magnitude of such a responsibility, I am continually surprised at the casual approach taken by so many parents. They assume that naming their child will be easy, since they've had plenty of experience naming things in the past. They've chosen names for pets, baseball teams and even their air guitar band in grade seven, so how hard could this be?

Sadly, these parents are missing the boat. A child's future is at stake and names like "Mr. Boots" or "The A&W Tigers" aren't going to cut it this time. But these parents never listen. Even when I offer to help, they say things like, "I think we can manage," or "Get out of the delivery room, you imbecile!" However, if you are looking for guidance in this matter, I offer the following tips.

Don't Delay

Many prospective parents believe that the best strategy is to wait until their precious child has arrived before choosing a name. The premise is that, upon seeing their baby for the first time, they will be struck with a name matching the child's appearance and personality. This is a risky strategy. The sad fact is that newborn infants often appear to be, well ... newly born, and names assigned during this period may be less than flattering. Although I have yet to hear of children being named "Slimy" or "Elephant Head," I understand that there has been a dramatic increase in the number of toddlers named "Violet." Enough said.

Avoid age-specific names

As any historian will tell you, one of the strangest aspects of living in the 1940s was the preponderance of children with names like Mildred or Walter. Apparently, parents of that era were unaware that these aren't children's names. They are the names of old people who drive RVs and enjoy marmalade. One must learn from these mistakes. While "old names" (Edna, Murray, Ecclesiastes) are guaranteed to earn respect around the bridge table, these same names will cause countless hours of angst for your youngster. However, don't fall into the trap of overcompensating and selecting a name that is too young. Although Poochie, Brandi, Candy and Cody are names suitable for preschoolers, your children will find the transition into adulthood difficult unless they happen to become exotic dancers or soap opera characters.

Beware of self-fulfilling prophecies

Once a person is assigned a name, an unstoppable chain of events is set in motion. Consider the consequences of naming a child Mabel or Lee Harvey. Other appellations such as Bertha, Newt, Festus, Cher and Urkle have dangerous ramifications as well and should be avoided at all costs. Those in doubt of the prophetic nature of names should note that scientists recently discovered that the seemingly innocent act of naming one's child "Tony" more than quadruples his chances of growing up to be Italian.

Discard damaged names

One of the most disturbing aspects of selecting a name is the stark realization that you are acquainted with a seemingly endless number of people whose personalities you do not regard highly. When evaluating the lists of name alternatives, you hear yourself saying things like, "Helen isn't a good name. I know a Helen at work who steals doughnuts from the lunch room." Or, "My uncle had a dog named Kevin and it was always very gassy." When you think of your child you should feel proud. She should be your inspiration, the one who reminds you of everything that is good in the world. Your child should never remind you of your hillbilly cousin who collects toilet seats. To avoid this predicament all yearbooks, photo albums, and former cellmates must be reviewed and a list made of damaged names. This brings me to my last tip.

Do your research

In any library, you will find an assortment of books needed in researching the origin and meaning of most names. Having said this, it is not necessary to undergo inordinate hours of investigation. Many parents, in their quest for the perfect name, have gone too far. They can be overheard at Starbucks saying things like, "We're calling her Whipara after the Norse goddess of functional furniture." On the other hand, a little research wouldn't hurt. Case and point: Not long ago, I discovered that a female ass is called - brace yourself  a jenny. I happen to know a Jenny and I think that she has every right to be upset with her parents. Please don't let this happen to you. No one wants to find themselves explaining to their child, "Honestly, I didn't know it was a swear word." It's inexcusable. Other names to avoid include Fanny, Basil, and Rover.

After following these simple rules, I'm confident that you will select the right name for your child. Once this task has been completed, you are ready for your last mission. A middle name.

Strangely, the best strategy for selecting a middle name is to break all the rules outlined above. After all, it is only fair that your child should have a middle name that is at least as embarrassing as yours.

Resources:

If you're simply looking for a large list of baby names including brief origins and meanings, there are plenty available at most supermarket checkouts. However, for a more detailed inquiry, I suggest the following:

The Last Word on First Names, by Linda Rosenkrantz and Pamela Redmond Satran, Mass Market Paperback, 1997.Featured on the Oprah Winfrey Show, this book draws from history, mythology and popular culture to provide readers with a witty guide to what's hip in baby names.

The New Age Baby Name Book, by Sue Browder, Workman Publishing, 1998. In addition to the meanings, national origins and pronunciation of over 20,000 names, this book includes a chapter on the self-esteem issues surrounding your baby's name as well as tips on creating new names.

The Baby Name Survey Book by Bruce Lansky and Barry Sinrod, Meadowbrook Press, 1998.How does popular culture affect our perceptions of names? Based on a survey of over 100,000 people, this book outlines the most common images people hold about popular names and assists parents in selecting a name with positive connotations.

What's in a Name?, by Susan Osborn, Pocket Books, 1999. Features numerous facts about the meaning, origin and evolution of names, as well as astrological associations, numerical significance and the relationships with particular herbs, colours, metals and stones.

Spring 2001