Parent Time

Jennifer Kolari wants to turn you into a therapist. In her new book, Connected Parenting, the Toronto-based social worker explains how parents can use a clinical technique called “mirroring” to resolve temper tantrums, sleep problems, food issues, toilet training setbacks… you name it. Mirroring isn’t so much reflecting your child’s experience back to her as it is actually experiencing it — consciously and momentarily — and then showing her you get it through your body language, facial expressions and tone of voice. And Kolari says mirroring is much more than a fix for behavioural or emotional problems; she recommends doing it with all kids as a sure way to shore up their confidence and secure their bond to you. The author spoke with Today’s Parent about how — and why — mirroring works.

Mirroring

TP: What’s different about this book compared with other parenting books out there?

JK: A lot of books talk about how important empathy is, how important it is to listen to your kids, but very few tell you how to do it. Empathy is really hard. It’s more of a therapy skill, not necessarily a parenting skill.

TP: You talk about the language of mirroring, how it’s not the “this is how you feel” kind of thing most of us are more familiar with.

JK: Yeah, that’s more active or affective listening — which is great, but a totally different technique. In active or affective listening, you say things like “That must be really hard for you” or “It sounds like you’re having a really hard time.” Some kids will spit back, “Why are you saying everything I’m saying?” or “I just said that!” They react to the fact that you’re making an observation.

TP: So they think it’s a bit stiff?

JK: For some people it can feel like a technique, like the person is saying, “I know something about you.I figured out something about you.” If you told me, “I love my kid, but she’s so awful at home, and everyone else thinks she’s so great,” and I said, “That must make you feel very frustrated,” that would be OK, but a little…meh. But if I say, “Yeah, you know what? You’ve got this kid who everybody loves, everybody thinks is amazing, but she walks in the door and she’s…awful. That’s what you get.” There’s actually a very big difference between the two techniques.

Originally published in Today's Parent, November 2009