Parent Time

Preschoolers

Even at ages three and four, children feel jealousy because of their need for security. The good news is they’re becoming more rational, as well as more capable of appreciating the needs of others. This means we can help them start to recognize the emotion of jealousy and handle it.

That’s what Vancouver dad Dave Olsen strives to do when four-year-old Anicca interrupts a conversation by putting her face right in front of his. “I’ll tell her, ‘I understand you want my attention, but you really have to give me a few more minutes to talk with my friend.’”

That’s spot on, says Christina Rinaldi, an associate professor of child psychology at the University of Alberta in Edmonton, because it provides reassurance without reinforcing the disruptive behavior. That’s particularly important with a jealousy meltdown. “Make sure you’re not sending the message ‘I’m spending time with you because you’re tantruming,’” Rinaldi says. Instead, explain that yelling is not the best way for mom and dad to hear what you have to say. But occupying yourself for a few minutes (say, by drawing pictures or reading a book) will.

Simply helping a child identify the feeling of jealousy often decreases its emotional charge, Huberman adds, as in “Well, it sounds like you’re feeling jealous.” Just keep the tone of your statement neutral. “Remember, jealousy itself isn’t shameful,” Huberman says. Rather, the aim is to help a child cope with the emotion.

Originally published in Today's Parent, September 2009